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14. CAT CLUBS
When a group of humans who share a similar interest get together on a regular
basis, it is often called a "club". Needless to say, Cats thought of the
idea first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we have
our own. Listed below are the ones that the humans have identified, along
with their names for the clubs. For security reasons (in case this document
falls into the hands of a human) the ones they haven't identified have
not been listed. As with humans, Cats are not restricted to membership
in one club and may belong to many. Each entry consists of a brief description
of typical club members, the average human's reaction to a member's activities,
nicknames for club members, and the club's motto.
Human reactions: cuddling, nocturnal yoga positions, expulsion of Cats.
Nicknames: Big Lump, Extra Blanket, Bed Warmer.
Club motto: "Move over, you big lummox!"
Human Reactions: "What is that horse doing on the bed?", stiffness from immobilized.
Nickname: Leadbutt, Lump.
Club Motto: "Don't even think about moving!"
Human reactions: "No comments from the peanut gallery!", "Shaddap!"
Nicknames: Motormouth, Blabbermouth, Noisy, Backtalk.
Club motto: "What do you mean, shut up?"
Human Reactions: Annoyance, foot under the butt to fling you out anyways.
Nicknames: Waffler, Stupid Cat, Politician.
Club motto: "Just because it's nasty out front doesn't mean it is at the back."
Human Reactions: Grogginess, ignoring, throwing things, general hostility.
Nicknames: Pest Kitty, various expletives
Club motto: "Life begins after midnight."
Human Reactions: Throwing things, squirting, chasing, shouting.
Nicknames: Bigfoot, Thunderball, Godzilla Cat, Light Brigade.
Club motto: "Did you see the look on his face when..."
Human Reactions: Laughter, dragging from under the bed, cruel jokes.
Nicknames: Coward, Mr/Ms Invisible, Spooky, Furry Chicken.
Club motto: "Yeek! What's THAT?"
Human Reactions: Squirting, chasing, throwing things, ejection outside.
Nicknames: Stomach with Legs, Garburator, Bottomless Pit, Greedo, Oinker, Treat-Seeking Missile.
Club motto: "I'll help you eat that!"
Human Reactions: Indifference, "Where'd all this Cat hair come from?"
Nicknames: Comfort Creature, Hot Stuff.
Club motto: "It's cold out there!"
Human Reactions: Shouting, swearing, chasing, squirting, ejection from house.
Nicknames: You Little Monster, Menace To Society, various expletives.
Club motto: "No? What does that mean?"
Human Reactions: Petting, scratching, dumping, "I am not a perch!".
Nicknames: (Cat fur colour) Rider, High-Jumper.
Club motto: Move a bit closer to that shelf!
Human Reactions: Petting, scratching, acceptance, reluctance to get up.
Nicknames: Cuddler, Blanket Substitute, Shedding Machine.
Club motto: "Sit down and I'll be your friend."
Human Reactions: Incredulity, checking for signs of life.
Nicknames: Lump, Obstacle, Still Life.
Club motto: "Zzzzz".
Being a kitten is probably the best time of a Cat's life. As a kitten, you can do almost anything and get away with it because, as the humans say, "Aww, (s)he's so cute!" Practice the "butter won't melt in my mouth" Look of Total Innocence now, as it is much more effective than when you are full-grown and "should know better". Even if you are caught in the act of some mischief, the Look can can considerably reduce the scolding, and if mixed with the appropriate amount of fake penitence, get you picked up and cuddled.
Be sure to make full use of all your excess energy by tearing around the house at full speed, attacking anything that moves, climbing the drapes, scooting across tables, counters and shelves, taste-testing plants and cords, and generally driving the humans crazy. When exhausted, flop down anywhere comfortable and sleep. After waking up, eat and continue the fun! You will quickly learn that night-time is the best time for playing because so many things can hide in the shadows.
As a species, dogs are animals which are in every way inferior to Cats. They are noisy, smelly, dirty, totally dependent on humans, and stupid (have you ever seen a Cat tangle with a skunk at all, let alone more than once?). Unfortunately, they are also for the most part larger than Cats. They are aware of their inferiority and quite resentful of it, using their greater size to harass Cats by chasing and/or barking at them at any opportunity in feeble attempts to make themselves appear superior to their betters. Dog-baiting can be a vastly entertaining sport if the dog is safely tied up in its yard or inside its human's house. A Cat with nerves of steel can perch on a window sill and wash him/herself while the dog within hurls itself at the window on the other side in a frenzy of rage. Of course, should the human inside let the dog out, said Cat had better have somewhere to run for shelter! Of course, this is not to say that Cats and dogs can't be friends or even live with the same humans, especially if both are raised from birth with each other, but these are exceptions. If you are on friendly terms with other cats, you can cooperate with them in dog-baiting to lure the dumb beast into a spot where you can all beat it up together. This can be risky if the dog is large and of a nasty temperament, so judge your target carefully!
Send other rules or suggested modifications to me, Harold Reynolds. The original author of the small list of Cat Rules is Cynthia Whitney, originally published in the October 9, 1989 Family Circle magazine.
The following agents of the Cat Slave Intelligence Service have made valuable contributions to the Cat Rules, at great risk to themselves:
Lisa Abildskov, Dave Blackburn, Lucy Burr, Vicki Burtch, Guy and Julia Burton, Lormè Coetsee, Karen Davis, Eva Denison, Carolyn Devries, Thomas DiSessa, Denise Donaghy, Angi Douglas, Marcia Dycus, Sandy Feldman, Kevin Fox, Mary Fox, Angelina Galindo, Paul Gilbert, John & Dee Hagger, Brenda Haramis, Jamie Hilverding, Ulrike Jaeger, Jocelyn Jenik, Beth Johnson, Derrick Kirk, Connie Kleinjans, Karen Kotchek, Doug Kropp, Barb Kuchera, Dennis Kunze, Anne Lafayette, Phillip Lafleur, Matthew Lecher, Ashley Madaris, Jules May, Patsy Mays, Megan McGuire, Dave Merriman, Kathy Minicozzi,Susette Newberry, John Novello, Mollie O'Dell, Wes Peters, Kris Porto, Sally Santiago, Chris Schenck, Werner Schwab, L. Scott, Evelyn Shockley, Deborah Simon, Susan Hattie Steinsapir, Kelly Tapani, Molly Thomas, Scott Thomas, Susan Turner, Julian Vrieslander, Brian Ward, Erin Valentino, Michael Varney, Catherine Wightwick, Larry Williams, Steven Woodford, Elizabeth Worden.
Illustrations contributed (with many thanks!) by Paul J. Lareau, and placed by Laurie Miller, former maintainer of the The Malcolm Cat Protection Society (in Cyprus) WWW site.
This page last updated .
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