How to give your cat a pill

I have received two versions of this. Both are pretty accurate...


Received: Sat, 26 Apr 1997 18:24:16 PST
Sent by: Betty

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL by Peggy Althoff

  1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
  2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
  3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
  4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
  5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
  6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
  7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
  8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
  9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
  10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
  11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
  12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
  13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
  14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman.
  15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
  16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
  17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
  18. Take two aspirins and lie down.


Second version

Received: January 8, 2002.

I see you already have a version of this, but I thought I'd drop this one by anyway. It's different from the first one but follows the same principle.


How to Give A Cat a Pill

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the [bleep]ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie the little [bleep]'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for RSPA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

(Editor's note: Of course, the latter few items in the list were meant for humour only [albeit, not in the best of taste]. This is not meant to endorse abuse of animals... I'm sure that those readers who have had to give cats medicine can agree with the sentiments, if not the exact actions.)

How to Give A Dog A Pill

  1. Wrap it in bacon.
  2. Feed dog.

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