Date Received: Friday, June 23, 2000
Idiot Sighting #2 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "Why on earth are blind people driving?"
Idiot Sighting #3 At a sad good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting #4 I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting #5 When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
Idiot Sighting #6 We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large"
enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the
largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and
said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than
1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two..."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
Idiot Sighting #7 My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
Date Received: Wed, 10 Dec 1997
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports) and from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
A gross ignoramus = 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
A room temperature IQ.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
One neuron short of a synapse.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes.
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
Date Received: Tue, 28 Apr 1998
George Moscatello, 47, of Woodside, N.Y., was camping in a remote area of the Northwest Territories when he heard "some pitter-patter sounds" outside his tent. Thinking it might be wolves, he loaded his gun and activated an emergency locator signal that is supposed to be used only for air and sea emergencies. Authorities launched a search and rescue aircraft, whose mission cost $12,000. Moscatello, an inexperienced camper who had already burned part of his tent after a mishap with his propane heater, told rescuers he was investigating the legend of Bigfoot.
The FBI announced it is looking for Enca Sandra Kay, 47, who had four husbands at the same time. Kay was born Eddie James Mundell and deserted from the Marine Corps nearly 30 years ago, according to FBI agent Tim Coakley, who said Mundell underwent a sex change operation two years later and changed his name.
Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, the spiritual leader of Israel's Shas political party, decreed that any woman who wears a wig to a synagogue is damned. "Both she and her wig will burn in hell," Yosef said. Yosef also told followers that, contrary to popular belief, it is permissible to pick one's nose on the Sabbath.
A 25-year-old Argentine man pushed his 20-year-old wife out of an eighth-floor window after an argument, but her fall was broken when her legs became entangled in power lines below. A police spokesperson told the state-run Telam news agency that when the husband saw the woman dangling beneath him, he apparently tried to throw himself on top of her to finish her off. He missed, however, and fell to his death. Meanwhile, the woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved.
Young women drive almost as aggressively as men, according to an Australian study that found female drivers below age 30 are only slightly less likely than young men to tail-gate, hurl abuse, shake their fists, blast their horns and cut in front of other drivers. An aggression index, compiled from a survey by the Australian Associated Motor Insurers Ltd., shows young women scored 31.77 points on a road rage "Richter" scale, compared with men's score of 32.63.
Alan Hall, 48, ran into a woman he knew as Brenda at a gas station in Fairfield, Calif., and invited her back to his brother's house, where they had sex. Afterward the woman reportedly made a statement implying she wanted revenge for Hall's conviction in the 1983 murder of a friend of hers. Hall told police the woman then cut off his penis and fled. It was found eight hours later on his front lawn, but by then it was too late to reattach the organ.
Police in Madison Township, Ohio, cited Kim Hansel, 37, for public indecency after someone complained she was mowing her lawn topless. She put bandages and leaves on her breasts and went back to mowing the lawn. Prosecutors dropped the indecency charge, but a judge fined Hansel $40 for disorderly conduct because she turned the riding mower around in the street after drinking.
Date Received: Mon, 12 Oct 1998
It's surprising these people haven't all died... of stupidity.
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car."
"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
"What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
Date Received: Mon, 12 Oct 1998
IDIOTS IN RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS AT WORK
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks that had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Date Received: Mon, 19 Oct 1998
Next time you think you're having a bad day read this:
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the capper .......
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Date Received: Sat, 18 Jul 1998
Things That Make You Go, "Duh!"
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River,they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. One day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. Hestepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folk climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the rest of the story together...
The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.
Date Received: Wed, 12 Aug 1998
Have you ever struggled with a performance review? Read on for some tips to make the next one easier.
John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write
a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
A memo was soon sent following the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
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