Dumb Newspaper Headlines

Air Head Fired

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Autos killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Blind woman gets new kidney from daughter she hasn't seen in years

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

British left waffles on Falkland Islands

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Childs stool great for use in garden

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Deer Kill 17,000

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Eye drops off shelf

Farmer Bill dies in house

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Iraqi head seeks arms

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Lung cancer in women mushrooms

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Man is fatally slain

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Miners refuse to work after death

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told

Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Police found safe hidden under bed

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Stud Tires Out

Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

War Dims Hope for Peace

Date Received: 24 Sep 1996

Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995:

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Holland Sentinal, date unknown.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times, November 2

'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday, July 11

Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible church's focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research
The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

Date Received: Wed, 4 Nov 1998

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub -- $850/Offer

Amana Washer $100. Owned By Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed

Snow Blower For Sale...Only Used On Snowy Days

Free Puppies...Part German Shepherd/Part Dog

2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, Pair: $15

Tickle Me Elmo, Still In Box, Comes With It's Own 1988 Mustang, 5l, Auto, Excellent Condition $6800

Cows, Calves Never Bred... Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale

'83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2000

Star Wars Job Of The Hut -- $15

Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog

Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Unpleasant Little Dog

Soft & Genital Bath Tissues Or Facial Tissue - 89 Cents

German Shephard. 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

Full Sized Mattress. 20 Yr Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell

Free 1 Can Of Pork & Beans With Purchase Of 3 Br 2 Bth Home

For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50

Nordic Track $300 - Hardly Used - Call Chubbie

Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We Haul American Made Products"

Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks

Found: Dirty White Dog...Looks Like A Rat...Been Out Awhile...Better Be Reward

Hummels - Largest Selection Ever - "If It's In Stock, We Have It!"

Get A Little John: The Traveling Urinal - Holds 2 1/2 Bottles Of Beer

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club

Georgia Peaches - California Grown - 89 Cents Lb.

Nice Parachute - Never Opened - Used Once - Slightly Stained

Free: Farm Kittens. Ready To Eat

American Flag - 60 Stars - Pole Included - $100

Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7 - $9 Per Hour

Notice: To Person Or Persons Who Took The Large Pumpkin On Highway 87 Near Southridge Storage. Please Return The Pumpkin And Be Checked. Pumpkin May Be Radioactive. All Other Plants In Vicinity Are Dead

Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Spring -$175

Our Sofa Seats The Whole Mob - And It's Made Of 100% Italian Leather

Joining Nudist Colony, Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300

Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember

Ground Beast: 99 Cents Lb.

Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell

Open House - Body Shapers Toning Salon - Free Coffee & Donuts

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 Box

Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Man - $2.09 Lb.