Dumb Probation Statements

Date Received: Mon, 27 Jan 1997

What was that again? (Notes taken from years of being a probation officer. Statements made by probationers.)


The defendant stated he became predicted to the drug while he was in the Job Corp.

Mr. Jones advised he was not able to report to the probation officer as his wife was pregnant and began to have contraptions.

Mr. Smith related he did not report last week as he had to be a pall burial at his friend's funeral.

He just thought of it on the sperm of the moment.

He was hospitalized because he had eucalyptus fits.

It was difficult for her to walk as she had very close veins.

When the probationer was asked why the Internal Revenue Service was looking for her, she explained that she felt since she was convicted of a felony, her rights as a citizen of this country were taken away from her and she was not allowed to pay taxes.

Probationer advised she always saved money when flying by going stand-still.

Lady answering door to probation officer stated she was related to the probationer by murder. ( The lady was the victim's sister)

My wife came and got the kids. She had a writ of hideous corpus.

When told the probation officer would be sending for classification material from the Oklahoma penitentiary, the probationer advised there would be no problem as the prison had recently installed a new microwave which contained all of this information on the inmates.

Probationer advised he has a brother who lives in Corpus Crispy, TX.

When asked if he had siblings, the probationer responded that he did not and that, in fact, he had never had any kind of social disease.

Probationer advised that he had asked his attorney to handle his new case, but the attorney reclined.

Probationer entered a "no comment" to the charges.

In describing the sequence of events prior to the robbery, the defendant stated the three men got together in an alley and circumcised their watches.

Probationer, after being in physical therapy for a while advised that he regained use of all but one of his arms.

Her excuse for the baby crying all the time was, "She is allergic to Kansas."

One probationers philosophy concerning raising children is to administer discipline with love and understanding rather than by harsh and unnecessary capitol punishment.

She stated she worked at Sears and Robot.

With a prison term approaching for violation of probation, the probationer asked if she couldn't be placed in an outhouse. (Should be out- patient or half way house)

Probationer advised that he was ready now to straighten out his life and now wanted to become a reproductive member of society.

Upon being released to the probation officer for a shoplifting charge at Safeway, the probationer was advised to get a job so he wouldn't have to steal. Probationer agreed and asked probation officer if she thought Safeway would hire him.

She said the welfare dept. assigned her a housekeeper as she was pooped up with the kids too much.

The probationer came into the bar and yelled at another patron "You slammered my name and now I am going to slammer yours" before he hit the guy.

She used methadone so long she was beginning to get amused to it.

The applicant for probation advised that she wanted to take the lie dictator test, but the police would not let her.

She told the probation officer that her husband had died of hemorrhoids of the brain.

Wife of probationer reported that when her husband returned from prison he was terribly thin and emancipated.

The defendant didn't think it was right that the police wouldn't even let her take a liar's detective test.

The defendant claimed he got multiple sclerosis because his wife screamed and yelled at him all the time.

The probationer asked the judge for a preferred judgment (deferred)

The probationer stated she really didn't mind the counseling sessions as her life was actually pretty dull and it helped to break the monopoly.

She said she couldn't report to probation this week because she wa sn't feeling well, and besides it was hot, and she, in fact had nearly fainted from heat prostitution.

A probationer reported that her brother worked in a factory which made the kind of planes that ejaculate the pilot.

The defendant reported that he needed to have surgery for a seriously infected groan.

When asked by the probation officer what the highest grade he achieved in school, the probationer replied, "C".

The defendant stated he would only sign the probation paperwork in the presence of a notarary republican.

She told the probation officer that what happened to her was no accident, but done with predominant meditation.

After instruction from the probation officer, the probationer thanked the officer for abreasting her of her situation.

The probationer told his probation officer that he worked devious hours on his job at the country club.

A police report coming to the probation department stated the following: The suspect knocked on her window and told her she was leaking gas.

A defendant asked her officer for advice on the disillusionment of her marriage.

The defendant said she would be having no more children, as she had tubal realization last year.

She stated her ex-husband was ear-dropping outside at the window.

Probationer states that he is always made the scrapegoat.

Defendant reports that her child's father is using her as a pond to get her back.

Defendant stated he had recently bought a contra-ninney-yum.

One defendant's hobbies were reported to be interior design and yogurt.

A defendant reported that her son was nearly amended by now. (Emancipated)

When asked if her had any outstanding debts, the probationer replied that none of his debts were really very outstanding, just the average run of the mill bills.

She advised the probation department that she had received an educational grant from the federal government which paid for her books and intuition.

Upon visiting a probationers place of employment, the probation officer was invited by the probationer to help himself to a cup of coffee in the next room where there was a coffee urinal.

The probationer was so angry with her daughter for having another illegitimate child, that she told the daughter to go to Planned Parenthood for a condominium so she wouldn't have any more kids.

Defendant stated she was attending opportunity school majoring in adding machines.

Defendant stated there were several black and white people in his house at the time of the arrest.

The defendant could not report to probation one week due to her daughter having the chicken pops.

Defendant reported that his attorney was trying to work out a flea bargain with the district attorney.

When asked what her husband did for a living, the probationer replied that he had been in cement for years.

When asked about her health, the probationer replied that she had an in-grown liver from years of drinking.

From a police report: The defendant did not rape the victim because his erection mechanism failed.

Defendant's statement of the offense on a car theft charge: I was walking down the street when I saw this lady standing next to her car and the hood was up. I asked her if she was having car trouble and she said she was. I offered to try and it fix it, but told her I was broke and could use a little money for helping her. She told me she didn't have any money, but if I fixed her car, she would make it worth my while. After I fixed the car, she asked me to step behind some bushes and she started taking off her pants. I didn't want her pants, so I took her car.

After appearing in court on a new charge, the defendant told his probation officer that the judge has embolished the matter and what happened was just a case of temporary stupidness.

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