Confucius Say...

Date Received: 26 Jan 93
From: Andrew L. Roberts
. Others added by Harold Reynolds.


  1. "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
  2. All men eat, but Fu Manchu.
  3. America Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
  4. Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
  5. Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
  6. Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
  7. Boy who fool around with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.
  8. Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
  9. Boy who play with himself pulls boner.
  10. Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.
  11. Elevator smell different to midget.
  12. Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
  13. Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.
  14. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
  15. He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
  16. He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.
  17. He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!
  18. He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
  19. He who refuses to listen is lying.
  20. He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
  21. He who sleep with itchy bum, he will wake with smelly thumb.
  22. He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
  23. He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.
  24. It take square ass to shit a brick.
  25. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
  26. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
  27. Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
  28. Man piss in wind, wind piss back.
  29. Man should learn to masturbate ... come in handy!
  30. Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
  31. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
  32. Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
  33. Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.
  34. Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
  35. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
  36. Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his father.
  37. Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
  38. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
  39. Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
  40. Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
  41. Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
  42. Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
  43. Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.
  44. Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
  45. Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
  46. Man who polish knob play pocket pool.
  47. Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
  48. Man who put cream in tart, not really a baker.
  49. Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
  50. Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache
  51. Man who put rooster in freezer over night have frozen cock.
  52. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who run behind car get exhausted.
  53. Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
  54. Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
  55. Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
  56. Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
  57. Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
  58. Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
  59. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
  60. Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
  61. Man who who put cock on stove have hot rod.
  62. Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.
  63. Man with atheletic finger make broad jump.
  64. Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
  65. Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.
  66. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
  67. Secretary not permanent fixture till screwed on desk.
  68. Soldier who goes to bed horny wakes up with discharge in hand.
  69. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
  70. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
  71. The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.
  72. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
  73. Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
  74. Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
  75. Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
  76. Woman who eat cookies in bed at night will wake up feeling crumby.
  77. Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
  78. Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.
  79. Woman who put detergent on top shelf jump for Joy.
  80. Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
  81. Woman who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
  82. Woman who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.
  83. Woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.

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