Revised: 31 January 1994 by Harold Reynolds
WARNING: ALL of these jokes are at least semi-x-rated, and all are pretty sick. A more complete list can be found at: Yotta.com, though it hasn't been updated since 1996!
Come upstairs, son, like a good boy. No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again.
Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men? Shut up and get back in the oven.
Billy won't let go of my ear. Billy, let go of Susie's ear. Billy! Let go of her ear! All right Billy, give me the ear.
Can I brush my teeth? Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Can I buy a new dress? You know it won't fit over your iron lung.
Can I get pregnant? Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
Can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush.
Can I play in the sandbox? Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Can I play with grandma? Not today, we already dug her three times this week.
Can't we give Daddy a decent burial? Shut up and keep flushing!
Daddy's on fire! Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Daddy's running down the street! Shut up and step on the gas!
Daddy fell in the campfire! Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Daddy puked! Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Daddy went through the meat grinder! Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Grandma's got a bruise. Shut up and eat around it!
Grandpa's going out! Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course? Shut up and search the sand traps!
I'm sick of learning how to swim! Shut up or I'll flush it again!
I've lost my fingers! Shut up and eat your french fries!
I don't like grandpa. Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
I don't wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging.
I don't want hamburgs for supper! Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
I don't want to go to Australia. Shut up son and keep swimming.
I don't want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel!
I hate daddy's guts. Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
I hate my sisters guts. Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
I HATE spagetti! Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
I HATE tomato juice! Shut up and drink it before it clots.
I keep running in circles. Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
I want to play with Sheldon! Shut up and close the coffin!
Is this the way to make pickles? Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Joey is biting grandma's nail. Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
My head hurts! Shut up and get away from the dart board!
My teacher says my head is too big. Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
The milkman's here; have you got the money or should I go out an play?
The teacher says I look like a monkey! Shut up and comb your face!
There's something in daddy's eye! Shut up and eat around it.
What's a nymphomaniac? Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!
What's a vampire? Shut up and eat your soup before it clots!
What's a werewolf? Shut up and comb your face!
What's an Oedipus complex? Shut up and kiss me!
What's for dinner? Shut up and get back in the oven!
What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa? Shut up and get back in the box!
What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a cleaver? Answer: "But, Mommy, you said that if I was good, I could halve him."
What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat? Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
What happened to all your scabs? Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
What's an orgasm? I don't know dear, ask your father.
When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner? Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Why's everybody running? Shut up and reload.
Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Why can't I play with the other kids? Shut up and deal.
Why can't we get a garburator? Shut up and chew!
Why do I have to hop everywhere? Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Why is daddy so pale? Shut up and keep digging.
This page last updated .
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