The Canonical List of Old * Never Die, they just ...

ATTENTION, READERS!
This is a compilation from a bunch of different sources on the WWW, but primarily based on Tim's Canonical List.

Revised: 15 January 1996 (by Tim Nelson)
Revised: 20 December 1996 (by Harold Reynolds)


INTRODUCTION

We all know that no one really dies, they just have something happen to them in a rather final manner.

To find out what will happen to you in a few years, read on.

Thanks to Mark Israel for starting this list, and especially for those of you who continue to add to it.

And, please don't complain that some are really stupid. I know they are.

This list is posted the first Tuesday of each month into rec.humor.

PS: If you have any more jokes to add to this list, please send them to me.


THE LIST (C) Tim Nelson (additions by Harold Reynolds)


OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
Old Anesthesiologists never die, they just run out of gas.
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
Old Bakers never die, they just lose their dough.
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
Old Barbers never die, they just become old cut-ups.
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling
Old BBS'ers never die, they just log off for good.
Old BBS'ers never die, they just lose their ZIP.
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires
OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
Old Bond investors never die, they just yield to maturity.
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures
OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter
OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down
Old Bricklayers never die, they just throw in the trowel.
Old Brickmasons never die, they just get mortarfied.
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces
OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered
OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away
OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated
Old Butchers never die, they just meat somewhere else.
OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved
OLD CARS never die, they just get run into the ground
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way
Old Chiropractors never die, they adjust.
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose
OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory
OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust
Old Computer programmers never die, they just decompile.
Old Computer programmers never die, they just lose it bit by bit.
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged
OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it! - - (c)opyright 1986 AIR COURIERS INTERNATIONAL Vancouver, BC
OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six
OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
Old Dentists never die, they just look down in the mouth.
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull
OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time
OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop
OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
Old Drivers never die, they just blow a gasket.
OLD EDITORS do it with a red pen
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hertz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
Old Electricians never die, they just lose their charge.
OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White
Old English teachers never die, they just complete their sentences.
OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled
OLD ESKIMOS never die, they just get cold feet
OLD ESKIMOS never die, they just go cold
OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers
Old Fighters never die, they just lose their punch.
Old Fireflies never die, they just find that they can't glow on.
OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way
OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone
OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just petrify
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down - (umpires as in Australian Rules Football)
Old Golfers never die, they just keep putting along.
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
Old Goodyear workers never die, they just retire.
Old Gossip columnists never die, they just lose their sense of rumor.
Old Grammarians never die, they fall into a comma.
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe
OLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just...don't
OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
Old Italians never die, they just pasta away.
OLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the young
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed
OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate
OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
Old Kleptomaniacs never die, they just steal away.
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change color
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves
OLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs
OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions
Old Mechanics never die, they just misplace their tools.
OLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastor
OLD MP's never die, they just attain peerage
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar
OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
Old PCs never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old Penguins never die, they just get hard of herring.
Old Philosophers never die, they just kant.
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
OLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it
Old Plumbers never die, that is why they smell that way.
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
Old Policemen never die, they just lose their beat.
Old Politicians never die, they just lose their hot air.
OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip
Old Preachers never die, they just lose their wind.
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type
Old Procrastinators never die, they just keep putting it off.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas
OLD PROSITUTES never die, they just fake away...
Old Prostitutes never die, they just lose their grip.
Old Psychiatrists never die, they just shrink away.
OLD PUNTERS never die, they just go horse
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover
Old Radio operators never die, they just lose their power.
OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving
OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail
OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up
OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"
OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise
OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission
Old Sanders never die, they just lose their grit.
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
OLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around
OLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their sole
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast
Old Skiers never die, they just go over the hill.
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick
OLD SOLDIERS never die, they just fade away
OLD SOLDIERS never die, they just smell that way
OLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones do
OLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment away
OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in
OLD STATISTICIANS never die, they just get broken down by age and sex
OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
Old Surfers never die, they just get wiped out.
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocks
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just kick-off
OLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULL
OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding
OLD TAPE DISPENSERS never die, they just get used up
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy
OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon
OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Old Undertakers never die, they just vault away.
OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back
OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.
OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering
OLD WANTS never die, they become needs
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip
OLD X-RAY TECHS never die, they just barium (1)
OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to
old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation (1) Thanks to "Lynn J", March 9, 2000.

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