The Canonical List of Old * Never Die, they just ..

ATTENTION, READERS!
This is a compilation from a bunch of different sources on the WWW, but. primarily based on Tim's Canonical List.

Revised: 15 January 1996 (by Tim Nelson).
Revised: 20 December 1996 (by Harold Reynolds).

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INTRODUCTION

We all know that no one really dies, they just have something happen to. them in a rather final manner.

To find out what will happen to you in a few years, read on.

Thanks to Mark Israel for starting this list, and especially for those. of you who continue to add to it.

And, please don't complain that some are really stupid. I know they are.

This list is posted the first Tuesday of each month into rec.humor.

PS: If you have any more jokes to add to this list, please send them to me.

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THE LIST (C) Tim Nelson (additions by Harold Reynolds)

1. Old ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties.
2. Old ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.
3. Old ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted.
4. Old ACTORS never die, they just drop a part.
5. Old ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted.
6. Old ANESTHESIOLOGISTS never die, they just run out of gas.
7. Old ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history.
8. Old ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver.
9. Old ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures.
10. Old ASSETS never die, they just depreciate.
11. Old ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world.
12. Old ATOMS never die, they just decay.
13. Old BAKERS never die, they just lose their dough.
14. Old BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.
15. Old BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan.
16. Old BARBERS never die, they just become old cut-ups.
17. Old BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty.
18. Old BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap.
19. Old BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling.
20. Old BBS'ers never die, they just log off for good.
21. Old BBS'ers never die, they just lose their ZIP.
22. Old BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off.
23. Old BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires.
24. Old BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away.
25. Old BLONDES never fade, they just dye away.
26. Old BOND INVESTORS never die, they just yield to maturity.
27. Old BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures.
28. Old BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print.
29. Old BOSSES never die, much as you want them to.
30. Old BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter.
31. Old BRAKES never die, they just grind down.
32. Old BRICKLAYERS never die, they just throw in the trowel.
33. Old BRICKMASONS never die, they just get mortarfied.
34. Old BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse.
35. Old BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces.
36. Old BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered.
37. Old BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away.
38. Old BURGLARS never die, they just steal away.
39. Old BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated.
40. Old BUTCHERS never die, they just meat somewhere else.
41. Old CANNERS never die, they are preserved.
42. Old CARS never die, they just get run into the ground.
43. Old CASHIERS never die, they just check out.
44. Old CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive.
45. Old CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically.
46. Old CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react.
47. Old CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes.
48. Old CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium.
49. Old CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way.
50. Old CHIROPRACTORS never die, they adjust.
51. Old CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket.
52. Old COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose.
53. Old COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory.
54. Old COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust.
55. Old COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile.
56. Old COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose it bit by bit.
57. Old COOKS never die, they just get deranged.
58. Old COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it! - - (c)opyright 1986 AIR COURIERS INTERNATIONAL Vancouver, BC.
59. Old CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire.
60. Old CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over.
61. Old CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six.
62. Old DANCERS never die, they just step away.
63. Old DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged.
64. Old DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.
65. Old DENTISTS never die, they just look down in the mouth.
66. Old DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull.
67. Old DIETERS never die, they just waist away.
68. Old DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time.
69. Old DIVERS never die, they just flop.
70. Old DIVERS never die, they just get board.
71. Old DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring.
72. Old DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience.
73. Old DRIVERS never die, they just blow a gasket.
74. Old DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC INSOMNIACS never die, they just lie there all night long, wondering if there is a Dog.^x
75. Old EDITORS do it with a red pen.
76. Old ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times.
77. Old ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hertz.
78. Old ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact.
79. Old ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose their charge.
80. Old ELECTRICIANS never die, they just go soldering on.^y
81. Old ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on.
82. Old ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings.
83. Old ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White.
84. Old ENGLISH TEACHERS never die, they just complete their sentences.
85. Old ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled.
86. Old ESKIMOS never die, they just get cold feet.
87. Old ESKIMOS never die, they just go cold.
88. Old EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost.
89. Old FARMERS never die, they just go to seed.
90. Old FARMERS never die, they just spade away.
91. Old FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers.
92. Old FIGHTERS never die, they just lose their punch.
93. Old FIREFLIES never die, they just find that they can't glow on.
94. Old FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp.
95. Old FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired.
96. Old FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way.
97. Old FLORISTS never die, they just make other arrangements.^a
98. Old FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone.
99. Old FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket.
100. Old FORESTERS never die, they just pine away.
101. Old FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool.
102. Old FROGS never die, they just croak.
103. Old FRUIT never dies, it just pear-ishes.
104. Old GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire.
105. Old GEOLOGISTS never die, they just petrify.
106. Old GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize.
107. Old GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate.
108. Old GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down - (umpires as in Australian Rules Football).
109. Old GOLFERS never die, they just keep putting along.
110. Old GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls.
111. Old GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive.
112. Old GOODYEAR WORKERS never die, they just retire.
113. Old GOSSIP COLUMNISTS never die, they just lose their sense of rumor.
114. Old GRAMMARIANS never die, they fall into a comma.
115. Old GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez.
116. Old GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount.
117. Old HACKERS never die, they just go to bits.
118. Old HAMS never die, they just get grounded.
119. Old HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips.
120. Old HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air.
121. Old HIKERS never die, they just trail away.
122. Old HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way.
123. Old HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal.
124. Old HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away.
125. Old HORTICULTURISTS never die, they just go to pot.
126. Old HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED.
127. Old HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it.
128. Old HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe.
129. Old IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just..don't.
130. Old INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off.
131. Old INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.
132. Old ITALIANS never die, they just pasta away.
133. Old JOKES never die, they just get retOld by the young.
134. Old JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed.
135. Old KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again.
136. Old KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out.
137. Old KIDS never die, they just adulterate.
138. Old KIDS never die, they just grow up.
139. Old KLEPTOMANIACS never die, they just steal away.
140. Old KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
141. Old LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent.
142. Old LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.
143. Old LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs.
144. Old LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors.
145. Old LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out.
146. Old LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved.
147. Old LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references.
148. Old LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out.
149. Old LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under.
150. Old LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures.
151. Old MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear.
152. Old MAGICIANS never die, they just float away.
153. Old MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it.
154. Old MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change color.
155. Old MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves.
156. Old MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs.
157. Old MARINES never die, they just fall back to Hell and regroup.^x
158. Old MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms.
159. Old MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate.
160. Old MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent.
161. Old MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions.
162. Old MECHANICS never die, they just misplace their tools.
163. Old MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends.
164. Old MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place.
165. Old MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup.
166. Old METEORS never die, they just burn up.
167. Old MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey.
168. Old MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastor.
169. Old MP's never die, they just attain peerage.
170. Old MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose.
171. Old MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar.
172. Old NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line.
173. Old NUMBER THEORISTS never die, they just get past their prime.
174. Old NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed.
175. Old OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot.
176. Old PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces.
177. Old PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas.
178. Old PCs never die, they just cache in their chips.
179. Old PENGUINS never die, they just get hard of herring.
180. Old PHILOSOPHERS never die, they just kant.
181. Old PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home.
182. Old PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing.
183. Old PILOTS never die, they just buzz off.
184. Old PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane.
185. Old PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction.
186. Old PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it.
187. Old PLUMBERS never die, that is why they smell that way.
188. Old PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain.
189. Old POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out.
190. Old POLICEMEN never die, they just lose their beat.
191. Old POLITICIANS never die, they just lose their hot air.
192. Old POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip.
193. Old PREACHERS never die, they just lose their wind.
194. Old PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type.
195. Old PROCRASTINATORS never die, they just keep putting it off.
196. Old PROGRAMMERS never die, they just branch to a new address.
197. Old PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it.
198. Old PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile.
199. Old PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life.
200. Old PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits.
201. Old PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory.
202. Old PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses.
203. Old PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse.
204. Old PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas.
205. Old PROSITUTES never die, they just fake away..
206. Old PROSTITUTES never die, they just lose their grip.
207. Old PSYCHIATRISTS never die, they just shrink away.
208. Old PUNTERS never die, they just go horse.
209. Old QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away.
210. Old QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces.
211. Old QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover.
212. Old RADIO OPERATORS never die, they just lose their power.
213. Old RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving.
214. Old RAILROADERS never die, they just derail.
215. Old RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up.
216. Old SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY".
217. Old SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise.
218. Old SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission.
219. Old SANDERS never die, they just lose their grit.
220. Old SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals.
221. Old SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt.
222. Old SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles.
223. Old SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point.
224. Old SEERS never die, they just lose their vision.
225. Old SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away.
226. Old SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around.
227. Old SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their sole.
228. Old SKATEBOARDERS never die, they just lose their bearings.
229. Old SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast.
230. Old SKIERS never die, they just go over the hill.
231. Old SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal.
232. Old SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick.
233. Old SOLDIERS never die, they just fade away.
234. Old SOLDIERS never die, they just smell that way.
235. Old SOLDIERS never die, young ones do.
236. Old SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment away.
237. Old SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in.
238. Old STATISTICIANS never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
239. Old STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper.
240. Old STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded.
241. Old SURFERS never die, they just get wiped out.
242. Old SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocks.
243. Old SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke.
244. Old SWIMMERS never die, they just kick-off.
245. Old SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULL.
246. Old TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding.
247. Old TAPE DISPENSERS never die, they just get used up.
248. Old TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class.
249. Old TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing.
250. Old THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy.
251. Old TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured.
252. Old TRASH never dies, they just bury it.
253. Old TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities.
254. Old TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away..
255. Old TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt.
256. Old TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon.
257. Old TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic.
258. Old TYPISTS never die, they just lose their justification.
259. Old UNDERTAKERS never die, they just vault away.
260. Old USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive.
261. Old VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back.
262. Old VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.
263. Old VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering.
264. Old WANTS never die, they become needs.
265. Old WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time.
266. Old WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind.
267. Old WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down.
268. Old WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever.
269. Old WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged.
270. Old WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed.
271. Old WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip.
272. Old X-RAY TECHS never die, they just barium (1).
273. Old YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over.
274. There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old SKEPTICS , but their future is doubtful.
275. WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation.

(1) Thanks to "Lynn J", March 9, 2000.