Multiple Choice questions for a stag party

Scoring: For each choice, add the number of points in brackets. (5) represents an answer most likely to get you a frying pan in the face, (1) the least.

Latest update: September 1, 2001

If The Wife says in a moment of passion "(guy's name), you're so wonderful!", do you:
1. Congratulate her on her observational skills? (4)
2. Agree with her? (4)
3. Modestly deny it? (2)
The correct response to "(your name), will you do me a favour?" is:
1. "The hell I will!" (5)
2. "Gimme a beer and I'll think about it." (4)
3. "I dunno, what do you want?" (3)
4. "Yeah, sure, whatever." (3)
5. "Oh yes, my love, your slightest wish is my ultimate command!" (1)
If you're watching a great game or some other favourite show and The Wife comes in and demands you change to some show which (in your humble opinion) sucks, do you:
1. Say "Tape it and watch it after my show" (5)
2. Set the VCR to tape your show and meekly hand over the remote control? (1)
3. Surreptitiously hide the remote control and claim you can't find it, so too bad? (4)
4. Ostentatiously sit on the remote control and say "No way is that trash coming into our home!" (5)
5. Unwillingly hand over the remote control, complainingly set up the taping for your show, stomp off to the bathroom and make loud retching noises? (5)
If The Wife is in the bathroom and you hear a loud toot, the correct response is:
1. Ignore it and pretend it never happened. (1)
2. Say "Another blast from the past?" (3)
3. Say loudly "I am woman, hear me roar!" (5)
4. Say loudly "Thar she blows!" (4)
You two are in bed and you are drifting off to sleep when The Wife cuddles up and begins nibbling on your ear. Do you:
1. Pretend to be asleep? (3)
2. Pretend to be dead? (4)
3. Give her an elbow in the gut? (4)
4. Say "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." (5)
5. Do what nature tells you to do? (1)
The Wife has made dinner, but something went wrong and you both know it. When she acknowledges the disaster, do you:
1. Claim that no food made by her could possibly be bad and continue eating manfully? (2)
2. Agree that it's not what it could be, but claim it's still edible and keep eating? (3)
3. Agree and call out for pizza? (2)
4. Race to the bathroom with your hand clamped over your mouth? (5)
The correct response to "I love you" is:
1. "I love you too, (name of Wife)." (1)
2. "I love you too, what's-your-name." (5)
3. "You must be crazy to love me." (3)
4. "Yeah, yeah." (4)
The correct response to "We're lost, aren't we?" is:
1. "No we're not!" (4)
2. "The hell we're not!" (5)
3. "No we're not, I recognize that building -- we've passed it before." (4)
4. "Yes dear, get the map." (1)
When The Wife undresses to change or go to bed, do you:
1. Avert your eyes? (5)
2. Scurry out of the room on some pretext? (4)
3. "Help" her? (2)
4. Make lewd comments? (2)
5. 3) and 4). (1)
You wake up at 2 a.m. with a "woodie" Do you:
1. Try to wake up The Wife for some fun? (4)
2. Go to the bathroom for relief? (2)
3. Think of something frightening (like a surprise visit from the mother-in-law) to make it go away? (1)
You detect the imminent arrival of a belch. Do you:
1. Proclaim your manhood by letting fly with maximum volume? (5)
2. Try to burp seductively into The wife's ear? (5)
3. Keep it quiet? (1)
You just farted, but nobody noticed you do it. Do you:
1. Find a pretext to leave the scene of the crime? (3)
2. Move close to the dog or cat to pass the blame if necessary? (3)
3. Pretend it didn't happen and hope the fumes aren't too intense? (4)
Michael Bolton is:
1. Spawn of the Devil. (3)
2. More obnoxious than Barney the Dinosaur. (3)
3. A natural alternative to Ex-Lax and a stomach pump. (5)
4. All of the above. (4)
5. Who's Michael Bolton? (5)
You and The Wife are in a music store and she wanders over to the Michael Bolton section. (You can tell because of the male vomit stains on the floor.) Do you:
1. Gently try to herd her away? (4)
2. Wheedle and attempt to reason with her (even though you know it's futile)? (4)
3. Make a scene by loudly begging and pleading on your knees? (5)
4. Attempt to drag her away bodily. (5)
5. Surrender to the inevitable, but get something she hates. (3)
The correct response to "You have a one-track mind!" is:
1. Deny it loudly. (3)
2. Deny it innocently. (3)
3. Deny it innocently, but leer at her. (2)
4. Prove it. (1)
The two of you are preparing to go out, but she whines "I have nothing to wear!" Do you:
1. Say "That's OK, I like it better that way," and try to get her onto the bed? (1)
2. Pull something at random from the closet and say "I always liked this on you" (3)
3. Wonder aloud how she can have nothing to wear with a closet full of stuff? (4)
4. Say, "OK, I guess we stay at home" get a beer and turn on the TV. (5)
5. Promise (with a straight face) to go shopping with her some time Real Soon? (2)
The Three Stooges are:
1. The greatest comedy team ever. (5)
2. Incomprehensibly, unamusing to women. (3)
3. Something to play at maximum volume when she's trying to listen to Michael Bolton. (5)
4. All of the above. (4)
Shopping for clothes (for you or her) is:
1. Fun and relaxing. (1)
2. A necessary evil, to be dispensed with as soon as possible. (3)
3. Somewhat more enjoyable than a root canal. (3)
4. To be done only as a last resort. (4)
Sex is:
1. So much fun it's to be had as frequently as possible (with The Wife, of course). (1)
2. Great, when I can get any. (3)
3. Best done alone. (4)
4. How the hell should I know? (5)
5. Baaaaaaaa. (5)
If The Wife comes home with a really bad perm, do you:
1. Avert your eyes in horror? (5)
2. Pretend not to notice, and try to not bring up the subject? (5)
3. Say "I didn't know they had Weed-Eaters at the salon!" (5)
4. Goggle your eyes, drop your jaw in amazement, and say how ravishing she looks? (5)
5. Ask if the hairdresser is still alive? (2)
When you refer to The Wife in a conversation, do you call her:
1. The ball-and-chain? (5)
2. The wife-unit? (3)
3. She Who Must Be Obeyed? (3)
4. Her Royal Majesty? (2)
5. My Lord and Master? (1)
The correct response to "How much do you love me?" is:
1. "More than any man has ever loved a woman before." (1)
2. "Come a little closer and I'll show you how much." (1)
3. "More than any beer on the market, past or present." (4)
4. "Hey, where's the remote control?" (5)
The Wife is nattering on about some icky touchie-feelie thing involving feelings and/or the relationship. Do you:
1. Try to sneakily change the subject? (3)
2. Try to fall asleep? (4)
3. Nod and agree with everything she says, while tuning the content out?(4)
4. Develop a need to go to the bathroom? (4)
5. Actually try to engage her in a conversation about it? (1)
While walking in the mall or on the street with The Wife, you spot a lucsious babe of your preferred gender. Do you:
1. Say "Hubba hubba, woo woo!" while looking at the babe? (5)
2. Say "Hubba hubba, woo woo!" while looking at The Wife? (3)
3. Say "Naah, only a 0.75 on the (wife's name) scale." (2)
4. Pretend you don't even notice? (4)
The Wife is in the advanced stages of pregnancy. Which of the following activities will most endanger the sanctity of your life and/or balls?
1. When seeing her in the tub, saying "Hi Moby!" (or Shamu if she's black). (5)
2. Pretending to go into orbit around her. (5)
3. Making furniture-creaking noises when she sits down. (5)
4. Taking her to a place that is more than a minute away from a bathroom. (5)
5. Making remarks she can overhear about "9 months of killer PMS" (5)
6. All of the above, and anything, absolutely anything, else. (5)
You (probably under coercion) wish to "experience the joys of pregnancy" Which of the following do you have to do?
1. Drink castor oil when you first wake up. (3)
2. Strap on a 30-pound corset and whack your back with a baseball bat. (3)
3. Consume plenty of Kaopectate and diuretics. (3)
4. Pump half a bottle of methane up your rear. (3)
5. Gobble uppers and downers at the same time. (3)
6. All of the above. (1)
The correct response to "Honey, I'm pregnant!" is:
1. "That's wonderful!" (1)
2. "Oh, (favourite expletive)!" (3)
3. "Yeah? Who's the father?" (5)
4. To start drinking heavily. (4)
The correct choice of music to accompany The Wife (to be)'s walk down the aisle is:
1. Mendelssohn's Wedding March (2)
2. The theme from Predator, The Terminator, Jaws, or Godzilla (5)
3. Darth Vader's theme from Star Wars (5)
4. Her choice of music (1)
The Wife is 9 months pregnant and wants to go to the video store to rent a movie. The correct movie to choose is:
1. Godzilla (5)
2. Big (5)
3. Titanic (5)
4. Moby Dick (if she's white) or Free Willy (if she's black) (5)
5. Whatever she wants (1)
You stumble across a box of candy that was left somewhere and forgotten by The Wife. Do you:
1. Bring the box to her attention so you can share (1)
2. Eat a few, then bring it to her attention so you can share what is left (2)
3. Eat most of them, then bring it to her attention (4)
4. Eat all of them without bothering to tell her at all (5)
Conversation at a nice restaurant should consist of:
1. Meaningful issues on love and the relationship (1)
2. Topics of current events, TV programs, etc (but not the relationship) (2)
3. Finding ways to turn what she says into lewd remarks (4)
4. "Pass the salt" (5)
5. "How about them (name of sports team)?" (5)