Golf Humour

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Plain It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size, I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Impulsive Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
Alas, A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

To Master Such A Senseless Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But, My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And, It Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often, It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree, Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Often Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
And Then, It Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
For Only If It Could Find The Hole.

It Has Made Me Yell, And Curse,
I Get Angry With Myself And Often Lose The Purse,
I Know The Ball Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
But Only If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Never Give It Up.
But, In The End, I Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
And, The Ball Knows Full Well, I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand tall and ever so proud all you noble golfers, members of private clubs and public courses, fans of spacious fairways and all devotees to the timeless swing. Should your game ever have you down, worry not. Take consolation in these little known but all accordingly important amateur golfer regarding personal efficiencies:

1. A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
2. Another study discovered that male and female golfers drink, on average, 21.5 gallons of alcohol per year.
3. What that means of course is, on average, golfers get about 42 miles to the Gallon.

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches from the hole.

Don't play with anyone who would question a 7.

It's as easy to lower your handicap as it is to lower your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backwards.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

No matter how badly you are playing, its always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the people watching.

Never teach your wife to golf.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence completely evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dog-leg to the right.

The rough will be mowed tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right for right handed golfers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par except Tiger Woods.

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far the shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it's probably because you're not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can't learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn it.