35 signs why you might be too Canadian

Date Received: Mon, 15 Dec 1997


  1. You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars", including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
  2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
  3. You think God probably looks more like Gordon Pinsent than Charlton Heston.
  4. You experience a warm fuzzy feeling while picturing a fat man with a blonde Mr. Spock haircut giving a recorder recital to an audience of two: an orange and purple sleepy-eyed giraffe with a voice like Lee Marvin and a pin-headed hyper rooster who is made out of a flannel tea cozy and lives in a bag on the wall.
  5. You can easily get several people near you to wax nostalgic on this same image (#4).
  6. This doesn't bother you at all (#5).
  7. You know who Ernie Coombs is.
  8. You can still whistle the theme to "The Forest Rangers"
  9. Whenever you hear the word "car", you have to stop yourself from involuntarily reaching back for a hockey net.
  10. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
  11. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read a word... (was that REALLY Sarah McLachlan in that one?)", and "Kanata".
  12. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the "Hinterland Who's Who" spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
  13. You participate in "Participaction". At least, until you fall down laughing when you think of how your hair is getting "sweat-EE and out-of-CONtrol".
  14. You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
  15. And if not, is she free next Friday?
  16. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
  17. You really miss the ongoing saga of Jacques and William. Did they ever escape those soldiers? And what about the girls? Strangely, just thinking about it makes me thirsty...
  18. You wonder if you're the only one who would like to see Ralph Benmergui and Ian Hanomansing team up and become the new Wayne and Schuster.
  19. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
  20. You know Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
  21. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.
  22. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
  23. You spend hours in the dark, making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.
  24. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if The Devil's Advocates made fun of you.
  25. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
  26. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
  27. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
  28. You have more than 3 friends named Gordon.
  29. You remember "Jodie" from "Today's Special" and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.
  30. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
  31. You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.
  32. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
  33. You wonder idly if there is some government coverup of a covert operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X Files" from British Columbia to California, but you're far too apathetic to do anything about it anyway, though it was nice seeing some of the old "Beachcombers" cast getting some TV work now and then.
  34. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
  35. You read rather than scanned this list.

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