The Shit Lists

Have YOU ever wondered just WHY shit happens to you? Well, you're not alone. People have wondered about this fundamental question for many ages, and everyone seems to have a different theory. So, for your reading enjoyment, we have here a massive collection of various ways in which people have tried to explain why shit happens.


SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions

Agnosticism:
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether it's shit or not.
What is this shit?!
I don't know shit!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit!

Amish:
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.

Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Atheism:
I don't believe this shit!
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.

Bahai-ism: Why do you keep shitting on us?

Baptist:
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.

Branch Davidianism:
May shit happen to the FBI!
If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...
David thinks he's hot shit.

Buddhism:
If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Catholicism:
If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism:
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Christian Science:
When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit happens in your mind.

Confucianism:
Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."

Creation Science:
Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Creationism:
... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After
six days of this shit, He rested.

Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.

Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.

Divorcism:
She's full of shit!
He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.
... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!

Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.

EST:
I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism:
There is no shit in the Bible.
Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.

Hare Krishna:
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat
until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.

Hinduism:
I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.

Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!

Islam:
If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any shit.

Jehovah's Witnesses:
No shit happens until Armageddon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Judaism:
Why does shit always happen to US?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some?

Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Moilanenism: Smells like shit of Finnish fish.

Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.

Mormonism:
If shit happens, shun it.
Excrement happens. (You can't say 'shit' in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...

Mysticism: This is really weird shit.

Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit!

Native Americans: Shit is sacred when it happens.

New Age:
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
We're all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Protestantism:
If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?

Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism:
We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.

Scientology:
All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

Seventh Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays.

Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Sikhism: Leave our shit alone.

Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Spam: Spam happens.

Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me.

SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.

Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.

Taoism:
Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.

Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.

Unitarianism:
What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Voodoo:
Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you!

Wicca:
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.

Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen!

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Zoroastrianism:
Shit happens half the time.
Christianity stole half its shit from us.


SHIT HAPPENS in various other ways

Americanism: Who gives a shit?

An Employee:
I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.

An Employer:
Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
You may only shit during coffee breaks.

Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

Bush:
Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.

Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.

Capitalism:
Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

Clinton:
I didn't inhale this shit.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....

Communism: It's everybody's shit.

Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttt

Cray: If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED a supercomputer...

Denialism: What shit?

Dyslexia: Tihs penshap.

Einsteinism:
God does not play shit with the universe.
Shit is Relative.

Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.

Existentialism:
Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.

Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.

Geographical: Texas Toilet Paper: won't take no sh*t off anyone! (from Robert Reedy Nov 4, 1996)

Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.

Heisenberg: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

IBM/DOS: It's shit, but it's compatible.

James Tiberius Kirk: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit.

Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.

Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...

Macintosh: (Enough said)

Martin Luther King:
Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
I have a shit...

Marxism:
The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.

Masochism: Do shit to ME.

Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.

Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!

Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything about it.

Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

Political Correctness: Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.

Procrastinationism: I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit.

Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Realism: I think I need to take a shit.

Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.

Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least I'm still in power.

Sadism: I will shit on you!

Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.

Shirley MacLaine: Haven't I seen this shit before...

Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone.

Surrealism: Fish.

UNIX/C: Shit dumped.

VAX/VMS: No Privilege for attempted shit.

Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

Windows: The same shit as DOS, only GUIer...

Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?


SHIT HAPPENS according to the Philosophers

Archimedes:
Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?
Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.

Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...

Descartes:
I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.

Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.

Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Sartre:
Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?

Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?

Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.


SHIT HAPPENS in various professions

Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?

Acupuncturist:
Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
Let all that shit go.
This will really get the energy shit moving.

Artist:
If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
Shit, I wish I thought of that.
Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Biologist: Is this shit alive?

Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Bureaucrat:
I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO:
(1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

Chef: It needs some more of this green shit.

Chemist:
I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Damn this shit smells...

Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers.

Doctor:
Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

Historian: The same shit happens again and again.

IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Linguist:
What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)

Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Mechanic: Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.

Musician: This shit is out of tune.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.

Poet:
My childhood was shit, let me share.
Ode to a Grecian Shit.
My love is like a red, red shit.
... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...

Politician:
It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
Shit happening is bad for the economy.
My Fellow Americans, all I stand for is shit.

Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Psychologist:
Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.

Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?

Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Waitress: You want fries with that shit?


SHIT HAPPENS to your pets

Cat:
Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
Dogs are shit.
I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.

Dog:
All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
When I catch a car, it will shit!
Oh shit, I caught it!

Fish:
All I do is eat, swim and shit.
Always the same dried shit for dinner?

Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.


THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS for Sanitation Engineers

0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trash can is wishful thinking.
KEEP SHOVELING!!


THE STORY OF CREATION

Date Received: 20 May 1997

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directores went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how shit happens.

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