DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG

Date Received: Mon, 7 Oct 1996
From: Meg Schell
Subject: Do It Yourself Country & Western Song

Write your song by selecting one from each of the sets of phrases.

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I met her	on the highway	in September	I can still recall	that purple dress	she wore.
	in Sheboygan	at McDonald's		that little hat
	outside Fresno	ridin' shotgun		that burlap bra
	at a truck stop	wrestlin' gators		those training pants
	on probation	all hunched over		the stolen goods
	in a jail cell	poppin' uppers		that plastic nose
	in a nightmare	sort of pregnant		the Stassin pin
	incognito	with joggers		the neon sign
	in the Stone Age	stoned on oatmeal		that creepy smile
	in a treehouse	with Merv Griffin		the hearing aid
	in a gay bar	dead all over		the boxer shorts

She was	sobbin' at the toll booth	in the twilight
	drinkin' Dr. Pepper	but I loved her
	weighted down with Twinkies	by the off-ramp
	breakin' out with acne	near Poughkeepsie
	crawlin' through the prairie	with her cobra
	smellin' kind of funny	when she shot me
	crashin' through the guardrail	on her elbows
	chewin' on a hangnail	with Led-Zeppelin
	talkin' in Swahili	with Miss Piggy
	drownin' in the quicksand	with a wetback
	slurpin' up linguini	in her muu-muu

and I knew	no guy would ever love her more	I promised her	I'd	stay with her	forever;
	that she would be an easy score	I knew deep down		warp her mind
	she'd bought her dentures in a store	She asked me if		swear off booze
	that she would be a crashing bore	I told her shrink		change my sex
	I'd never rate her more than "4"	The judge declared		punch her out
	they'd hate her guts in Baltimore	My Pooh Bear said		live off her
	it was a raven, nothing more	I shrieked in pain		have my rash
	we really lost the last World War	The painters knew		stay a dwarf
	I'd have to scrape her off the floor	A Klingon said		hate her dog
	what strong deodorants were for	My hamster thought		pick my nose
	that she was rotten to the core	The blood test showed		play "Go Fish"
	that I would upchuck on the floor	Her rabbi said		salivate

She said to me	our love would never die	; But who'd have thought she'd	run off
	there was no other guy		wind up
	man wasn't meant to fly		boogie
	that Nixon didn't lie		yodel
	her basset hound was shy		sky dive
	that Rolaids made her high		turn green
	she'd have a swiss on rye		freak out
	she loved my one blue eye		blast off
	her brother's name was Hy		make it
	she liked "Spy vs. Spy"		black out
	that birthdays made her cry		bobsled
	she couldn't stand my tie		grovel

with Tony Thaman	You'd think at least that she'd have said	goodbye.
in my Edsel	I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard	She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show"	I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist	I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate"	I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot	She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on	She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club	She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag	I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru	But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor	She sealed me in the vault and smirked.

Yee Haw!