Horoscopes

This file contains the six sets of fake horoscopes that I wrote for my high school's (London Central Secondary School) newpaper, called "Central Intelligence" at the time they were written (1984, when I was in Grade 12, and 1985 when I was in Grade 13). I found them on April 25, 2002, and decided to reproduce them for your amusement. I hope that you enjoy them.


Horoscopes for May, 1984


Aries (March 21-April 19)
A close encounter in the English wing with a herd of rampaging watermelons leaves you dazed and unable to do your homework. Unfortunately, the teachers do not believe you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You are returning from a field trip to Toronto when your bus driver decides to play "chicken" with the 18-wheelers. Though it has its exciting moments, this is not the best way to come home.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Harold Reynolds suddenly tells elephant jokes over the P.A. system. You are the only one who laughs and are sentenced to four hours of old Three Stooges movies with him.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You achieve an incredible 100 words per minute in typing class, but find out that your fingers were resting on the bottom row of the keyboard.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You successfully translate The Rime of the Ancient Mariner into Xhosa and capture first prize in the castanets division while accidentally reading it during the Kiwanis Music Festival.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You impress the music teachers by blowing your nose to the tune of Flight of the Bumblebee and go on the music exchange trip to Elliot Lake to display your remarkable talent.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Surprise! You discover that pi has a finite, though very large, number of decimal places. after the 4,937,658th digit you discover that you used the wrong formula.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Just as you finish typing in a 30,000 byte computer program, you hear a sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies. When the screen goes funny, you realize that it's the sound of microchips frying.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You accidentally slash your wrist in Art class and bleed all over your work. You later win first prize for originality at an abstract art festival.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You reappraise your dressing habits when you come to school dressed as Boy George and nobody notices, except for the local canines.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You are accosted by an aberrant Theatre Arts teacher and assigned the part of Chicken Little. You shout "The sky is falling!" and it does, squashing him to a juicy pulp.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Right in the middle of a crucial Physics test, your calculator dies. The scream you make shatters more glass than an opera singer could in a lifetime (and two others).


Horoscopes for November, 1984


Aries (March 21-April 19)
While on a picnic, you encounter a cloud of hungry mosquitoes and invent a totally new form of break dancing.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You and your friends are suddenly attacked by a mob of angry blintzes. You shout "Blintzkrieg!" and are summarily executed.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You think that you have conquered the math test that you forgot to study for until you encounter the Last Question Killer and are spared the agony of a perfect mark.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You stuff too much food in your mouth at lunch and are accused of having the mumps. Before you can spit it out or swallow it, you are quarantined.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
While doing your pre-dawn jogging, you collide with a low-hanging wasp nest and set a new record for the four-second mile.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You are the cause of an international incident when your demonstration of the tennis overhand smash shoots down a Soviet spy satellite.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Your Medieval History teacher offers your class a demonstration of the techniques of the Spanish Inquisition, but there are no volunteers. His fit of pique is physically unpleasant for the lot of you.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You are the winner of a Trivial Pursuit-eating contest. Contratulations and get well soon.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As a result of reading too many of these horoscopes without taking tranquilizers, you are hauled off to the looney bin swearing vengeance.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Your new summer business is abruptly aborted when your roto-rooter goes berserk and chews up the Mayor's lawn and his dog.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You and your entire Music class become fed up with your teacher's insatiable and erratic demands and impale him with a piano.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You become puzzled by the oversized raindrops faling from a clear sky, until you realize that they are water balloons being thrown by your "friends". You retaliate with the aid of a fire hydrant and hose.


Horoscopes for December, 1984


Aries (March 21-April 19)
You know it's been a bad day when the potatoes that you're peeling resemble Cabbage Patch Kids. You get your revenge by eating them.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A sadistic Chemistry teacher sprinkles touch powder in the halls and disables the custodians before school starts. This gives you and your cohorts a new meaning for purple shoes and "spring in your step".

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your English teacher decides to break the record of having the largest amount of nitroglycerine in the world. He is successful, but hears the pseudo-word "ain't", screams and stomps his foot, with devastating results.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
As a fund-raising effort, the Grad Committee holds a fish fry in the Cafeteria. You get up and sing "O sole mio", but are cod at it, pitched into the corridor and left to flounder in surprise.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your fellow Art student gets brownie points for originality by painting his face and making prints with it. You out-do him by filling your mouth with paint and sneezing a few times.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You are unceremoniously deposed from your position as first violin and demoted by the Music teacher. Unwilling to play second fiddle to anybody, you quit and vengefully anoint his car with pink polka dots.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
During a field trip to a volcano, you develop more respect for your Geography teacher when the ground collapses under him, he falls into the hidden lava pool below and is spat out unharmed moments later.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You get in big trouble when your French teacher arrives on Hallowe'en dressed like an ogre and you quip "You didn't dress up!"

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The Administration unilaterally declares it to be "Reverse Initiation Week" whereby the niners get to harass the Grads. The indignant Grade 13's promptly revolt and refuse to participate. Several stink bombs later, the Administration capitulates with ill grace.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Your Shop teacher wins the "Macho Man" contest by shaving with the rotary sander, doing the finishing touches with a blowtorch and using paint stripper for aftershave. She accepts the award graciously.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
The Student Council stages a Florida Day near Christmas. The heating system unwittingly helps by raising the temperature to 30 Celsus.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Your first attempt at machine language programming crashes the computer so completely that it collapses instantly into a singularity and disappears from our universe. Your teacher is not impressed and demands a new computer.


Horoscopes for January, 1985


Aries (March 21-April 19)
You are cornered by a particulary offensive pollster, who demands to know your favourite rock group. "Twisted Sister" you sneer, but before you can say you were joking, he hands you free tickets to their next concert.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It's major test time and you are sitting nervously waiting for your Math teacher to arrive. He does, wheeling in a dolly cart with a huge stack of paper. "This is only four of them," he snickers.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your German class is getting ready for the free vacation in a mountain-top lodge in Hawaii when, alas, Kilauea erupts, destroying it and your dreams.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You dream you wake up looking like Michael Jackson and are trampled and suffocated by hordes of screaming fans. You wake up to find your dog and three cats trying to shove you off the bed.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You fool the weatherman and go skiing on the snowless slopes of London Ski Club with the aid of a can of El Slippo Axle Grease. You also set a world's speed record, but unable to stop you hit a bump at the bottom and become the first person to cross the Thames River (in London, Ontario) without the mechanical aid of bridges, cars, etc.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
In Geography class, you complain loudly that on the rocky road to success, some things aren't very gneiss and can't be taken for granite. Thinking you have lost your marble, the teacher puts you with the other chatty students in the gabbro.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You try to liven up a boring Algebra class by letting off a smoke bomb at the back of the classroom. Already in a fog of incomprehension, the other students don't notice.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your Art teacher proves there is music in art by soaking several musical instruments in paint and making prints with them. When the Music teachers find out, they get revenge by filling the electric kiln with water and turning it on.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Your Biology teacher is arrested and hauled away by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Turnips after a demonstration of the digestive process involving an acid bath and no anaesthetic for the poor vegetable.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You discover the benefits of duplication when your brat sibling tries to play one of your floppy disks on the record player.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Your favourite teacher is runner-up in the Most Disgusting Sneeze contest, and is second only to the Elephant Man. His prize is a lifetime supply of Kleenex.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You very politely ask your French teacher if your class could have a field trip to France and are rebuffed with a cruel laugh. Annoyed at this callous behaviour, you put chalk dust in all his desk drawers.


Horoscopes for March, 1985


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your Chemistry teacher pesters you with quizzes, so you pester him right back by putting bad puns on the bottom of them. For some reason, he stops after a while.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
For your Home Economics project, you decide to find out where socks go when you put them in the washer with the aid of a tracer. You subsequently are credited with the discovery of space warp drive.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are busily writing a poem in Biology class and do not hear the teacher's question. When brought back to reality, you say you had poetry on the brain. The teacher snatches your work and eats it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
For no apparent reason, your World Literature teacher decides that you need to study Harlequin Romances as as an art form. Unhappy at the laughter generated, the teacher demonstrates their use as missiles.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You find a new way to liven up the party by dumping a couple of ounces of sodium pentothal into the punch bowl. One side effect is that everyone there swears off drinking the next day.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It's computer fair time, and you are proudly showing off your reconstruction of the UNIVAC computer. Unfortunately, when you switch it on for a demonstration, all the fuses in the school blow up, plunging the entire building into darkness.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
During the Winter Carnival, you and your friends have the audacity to make a grotesque caricature of the Principal out of snow. He doesn't like it and you suddenly find that you have a very large snow-cone to eat.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your Spanish teacher goes for realism during your study of Spanish culture by letting a wild bull loose in the hallway. Seeing that none of your classmates have the gumption to fight it, you send it running by waving a picture of Ronald McDonald at it.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
In your determination to avoid writing an English exam, you steal your teacher's notebook, glue all the pages together and replace it. Alas, your clever ploy fails, but you score 90% for a nice try.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Your Physics teacher gives a demonstration of Newton's Third Law in class with the aid of a high-powered pistol and some pesky starlings. He runs out of ammunition before he can ask for student volunteers.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Your Phys. Ed. teacher is incensed when you flatly refuse to have anything to do with gymnastics. You both get a good workout during the high-speed chase through the gym that is already set up for the class.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You, your friends and several teachers get involved in a vigorous snowball fight on the front lawn at noon. The battle is going well for you, but you begin worrying when you see your opponents pull pins from their snowballs and heave them in a volley.


Horoscopes for May, 1985


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your attempt at international haute cuisine is abruptly aborted when the pressure cooker explodes, decorating the Home Economics room and vicinity with spaghetti and meatballs.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You express a desire to become a back therapist for computer operators. When asked why, you reply "To help with slipped disks!" The response is rather byting.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You write a story about Central's inhabitants that slanders a large number of teachers. After your sibling leaks details, you inexplicably begin failing tests.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You and a bunch of friends decide to play a version of the Survival Game in the halls at noon hour with paint pellet guns. Unfortunately, the teachers want to play too...

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You foolishly thumb your nose at Old Man Winter during a windstorm and discover the dubious joys of being a kite.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You are attacked by muggers, but fend them off with a stream of off-colour knock-knock jokes. You are arrested by a nearby cop, along with the muggers, for cruel and unusual pun-ishment, but get off by telling him your source for this unique form of self-defense.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
"April showers bring May flowers," you laugh as you douse an unsuspecting friend with a bucket of very cold water. The next day, you discover an ingenious booby trap in your locker that hoses you with water liberally laced with Chanel No. 5.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your Accounting class is suddenly taken over by the Phys. Ed. department and forced to do pushups for ten minutes. But when your teacher refuses to do your conqueror's tax return and the class rises in rebellion, the others are forced to withdraw in disgrace.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You cannot understand why the librarian is upset about the book that you returned. "It's only three months overdue," you whine as he demonstrates his strength by flinging you out the door without bothering to open it first.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Your Math teacher attempts to persuade your class that there's music in mathematics, especially in forests. When you all express noisy disbelief, she smugly points out the existence of logarithms.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Your English teacher commands your class to write stories about anything you want, so you oblige by creating a parody of the local evening news on TV. To your surprise, the newspeople think it's funny.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Whilst playing with a frisbee in the park with your friends, it suddenly gets snatched by an itinerant dog. You all learn the fine art of cooperation in chasing the hound down and grabbing your toy.

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