How to be Annoying

Date Received: Thu, 2 May 1996


  1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
  2. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  3. Ask 800 operators for dates.
  4. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  5. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
  6. Ask to "interface" with someone.
  7. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
  8. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
  9. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  10. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  11. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
  12. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  13. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
  14. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  15. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
  16. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
  17. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
  18. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
  19. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
  20. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
  21. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
  22. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  23. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
  24. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
  25. dont use any punctuation either
  26. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
  27. Drive half a block.
  28. Drum on every available surface.
  29. Email fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
  30. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy".
  31. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
  32. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  33. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  34. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
  35. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
  36. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  37. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
  38. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
  39. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  40. Honk and wave to strangers.
  41. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  42. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
  43. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
  44. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
  45. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  46. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
  47. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  48. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
  49. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
  50. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
  51. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  52. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  53. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
  54. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
  55. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  56. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  57. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  58. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  59. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
  60. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
  61. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  62. Male or female - wear bedroom slippers and drag your feet so that the backs of the slippers slap your heel.
  63. Mow your lawn with scissors.
  64. Name your dog "Dog".
  65. Never break eye contact.
  66. Never make eye contact.
  67. only type in lowercase.
  68. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  69. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  70. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  71. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  72. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
  73. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
  74. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  75. Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
  76. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  77. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  78. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
  79. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
  80. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
  81. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
  82. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
  83. Set alarms for random times.
  84. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
  85. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  86. Sing along at the opera.
  87. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, from Lamb Chop?)
  88. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  89. Sniffle incessantly.
  90. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
  91. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
  92. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  93. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture"
  95. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  96. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
  97. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
  98. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  99. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
  100. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  101. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
  102. Wear a LOT of cologne.
  103. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
  104. Wear your pants backwards.
  105. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
  106. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
  107. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
  108. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "Third time this week!"
  109. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  110. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
  111. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

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