Date Received: Thu, 2 May 1996
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask 800 operators for dates.
- Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
- Ask to "interface" with someone.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
- At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
- Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
- Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
- Drive half a block.
- Drum on every available surface.
- Email fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy".
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
- Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
- Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
- Make appointments for the 31st of September.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Male or female - wear bedroom slippers and drag your feet so that the backs of the slippers slap your heel.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Never break eye contact.
- Never make eye contact.
- only type in lowercase.
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Set alarms for random times.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, from Lamb Chop?)
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Sniffle incessantly.
- Speak only in a "robot" voice.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture"
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
- When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
- When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "Third time this week!"
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.