EXCERPTS FROM A BIRD'S DIARY
by Irene E Ries
Day 983 - This morning one of my featherless slaves brought me a dish of canned
fruit bits. Ick. Obviously someone has not been paying attention; this slave
has not learned its lesson. I flung each tasteless piece against the wall with
precision and then promptly overturned the dish. That was followed by a nap.
I was then awakened by the sound of a slave mumbling about me while cleaning up
the fruit bits. I decided to tweak the creature's skin for its insolence. I
was rewarded with instant cries of contrition.
Day 994 - Today the slaves allowed the dog upstairs to accompany them while I
granted them an audience; now that I know the dog's name, it should be worth a
few laughs to see just how relatively intelligent canines are...NOT! The cat,
on the other hand, is a nasty, smelly hairball. It wretches all over
everything and mopes around. Today it wandered into my inner sanctum without
my permission, before my agents could stop its entrance. I commenced shrieking
at 20 decibels and beat my wings and flared my crest for added effect. The
slaves are still trying to dislodge the cat from the ceiling.
Day 1003 - Today I am teaching the slaves to speak with me. This is trying my
patience. No matter HOW clearly I enunciate, they keep saying the same thing
over and over to me. How annoying. Since when did bring more apple slices
become good bird ?!
Day 1115 - It's a lovely day and the slaves are carrying my portable palace
outside onto patio to enjoy the good weather. The dog is amusing. I am
calling the dog's name and he thinks its the male slave for him. I'm watching
him press his sloppy wet nose against the glass, listening to his name being
called. He's going crazy trying to obey the command...oops...almost fell off
my perch laughing just now...
Day 1123 - This morning I observed the feline scratching the furniture while
aloft on the curtain rod. I promptly sounded the Universal Avian Distress
Signal. That nasty creature actually attempted to climb up the drapes to where
I was seated! One of the slaves arrived just in time to catch the beast in the
act and grab it by its nape and deposit it out the back door. Must have been
the male slave; the cat was airborne there for a few seconds.
Day 1134 - Today I was good-naturedly minding my slaves' offspring.
They were attempting to mimic my speech. How endearing. I climbed around on
their heads and pretended to make a nest with their hair, which they
perceived as a great honor. Indeed. They will make good and obedient servants
one day, I think. Now, I just need to make it clear to them that they should
dispense with the canine and the feline post haste...