Pet Diaries

Day number 180
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My Favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My Favorite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My Favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My Favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My Favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My Favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My Favorite!

Day number 181
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My Favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My Favorite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My Favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My Favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My Favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My Favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My Favorite!

Day number 182
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My Favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My Favorite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My Favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My Favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My Favorite!
1:30 pm - Ooooooo. Bath. Bummer.
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My Favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog Food! My Favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh boy! Dad! My Favorite!

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. Well, that and the fact that the dog was the next victim after me.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Day 983 - This morning one of my featherless slaves brought me a dish of canned fruit bits. Ick. Obviously someone has not been paying attention; this slave has not learned its lesson. I flung each tasteless piece against the wall with precision and then promptly overturned the dish. That was followed by a nap. I was then awakened by the sound of a slave mumbling about me while cleaning up the fruit bits. I decided to tweak the creature's skin for its insolence. I was rewarded with instant cries of contrition.

Day 994 - Today the slaves allowed the dog upstairs to accompany them while I granted them an audience; now that I know the dog's name, it should be worth a few laughs to see just how relatively intelligent canines are...NOT! The cat, on the other hand, is a nasty, smelly hairball. It wretches all over everything and mopes around. Today it wandered into my inner sanctum without my permission, before my agents could stop its entrance. I commenced shrieking at 20 decibels and beat my wings and flared my crest for added effect. The slaves are still trying to dislodge the cat from the ceiling.

Day 1003 - Today I am teaching the slaves to speak with me. This is trying my patience. No matter HOW clearly I enunciate, they keep saying the same thing over and over to me. How annoying. Since when did bring more apple slices become good bird ?!

Day 1115 - It's a lovely day and the slaves are carrying my portable palace outside onto patio to enjoy the good weather. The dog is amusing. I am calling the dog's name and he thinks its the male slave for him. I'm watching him press his sloppy wet nose against the glass, listening to his name being called. He's going crazy trying to obey the command...oops...almost fell off my perch laughing just now...

Day 1123 - This morning I observed the feline scratching the furniture while aloft on the curtain rod. I promptly sounded the Universal Avian Distress Signal. That nasty creature actually attempted to climb up the drapes to where I was seated! One of the slaves arrived just in time to catch the beast in the act and grab it by its nape and deposit it out the back door. Must have been the male slave; the cat was airborne there for a few seconds.

Day 1134 - Today I was good-naturedly minding my slaves' offspring. They were attempting to mimic my speech. How endearing. I climbed around on their heads and pretended to make a nest with their hair, which they perceived as a great honor. Indeed. They will make good and obedient servants one day, I think. Now, I just need to make it clear to them that they should dispense with the canine and the feline post haste...