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March 12, 2017:
A Making a bet on what colour something will be is risky. It's not azure thing.
A When praising a computer program, I app-laud it.
B Borates stink. They're all about BO.
B Why are people who serve drinks imprisoned by their jobs? Because they're behind bars.
C The French number that catches mice is quatre.
D The struggle over unplugging an inflatable Christmas mouse display could be turned into a comic opera called Deflator Mouse.
D Who is ready for a dix-cent into the madness of French number puns?
G Maxwell House is the skydivers' coffee because it's good to the last drop.
H I wanted my rapper name to be M.C. Hammerhoid, but it made me the butt of piles of jokes and it didn't sit well.
M A person who plays the opposite of fugues accumulates a body of work in a more-gue.
M Cosmeticians are liars. They makeup everything.
M Which French number can feed the hungry? Mille!
N Why does the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base.
O A wild fling with a person of your preferred gender, a bedside table or a rack for a suit of armour: either way, you have a one-knight stand.
O Have sympathy for the person who really likes rowing, for s/he is an orphan.
PQ It takes 15 French numbered nuts to make pe-quinze.
PQ Phosphates are annoying. They PO many of the elements.
R What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
S "I'm the master of French numbers!" "Says who?" "Seize me!"
S As the French numbers say, "Carpe Diem! Six the day!"
S I've collected all of the French numbers! I have the full sept!
S The Titanic was like the French number five: it cinq.
VZ French number bread is made from huit flour.
February 21, 2017:
A Oh, God, I'm Sorry: Apollo Jize
A The unit of measure of anxiety is the Angst-rom.
B The Braun company makes electric razors. If they made a promotional video for a hair clipper for donkeys, would it it be called "Brayin vs Braun"?
C When you flip a boat over you can fit it on your head, because it is cap-sized.
H The best time on the clock is 6:30, hands down.
L Rocket Launch: Cliff Toff
M "I just encountered Rick, Rick, Rick and Rick," said Tom metaphorically.
N Date on a Beach: Nash Carr
N If you feel cold, stand in a corner. They're usually around 90 degrees.
N Why Clothing is Required in India: Vanessa Sari
O The Gift of Life: Morgan Donation
O Where Wolves: Juan F. Deepak
PQ Gepetto first tried to make a boy out of dough, calling him Pi-gnocchi-o.
PQ If a person really likes the song "Top of the World", does it mean s/he has Polish ancestry?
R I say that a mosque can be built in an area prone to rockslides because a rolling stone gathers no mosque.
R Rococo: What to drink while propelling a small boat.
S A Pikachu is an adorable Pokémon that also packs a potent zap attack. It's the Pokémon equivalent of "Shock and Awww".
S A Warrior's Whiskey: Sam U. Rye
TU If I were a plumber with a trumpet, would I play Taps on it?
TU We have tofu. In cannibal country, they have toefood.
TU What kind of dinosaur can you find in Albania? A Tiranasaurus Rex.
TU What kind of dinosaur can you find in Iran? A Tehrannosaurus Rex.
VZ Pinocchio wanted to be a star on Broadway, but was criticized for his wooden acting.
VZ When phones first came to Milwaukee, were they called Milwaukee-talkies?
January 21, 2017:
A Have you seen the picture of Spiderman getting blown up? It's all over the Web.
A People who get wheezy and short of breath when confronted with an equation have mathsma.
A To promote Valentine's Day passion, make a letter R out of something and press it into a soft spot of your amour. It will make him/her R-dent.
A With what do mathematicians chop wood? Axes.
C "Have some Grenadine," said Tom cordially.
C What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
C Why is the nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.
E "The name for the new trans-Uranic element should be Terry," said Professor Watson. "It's element-Terry, my dear Watson," said Professor Holmes.
F Egpyt isn't close, it's pharaoh way.
G Does the Wind Giant eat his food with gusto?
G I got rid of my broom and dustpan. They were just gathering dust.
H Leather armour is the best for sneaking around, since it's made of hide.
I In order to fix a broken snow fort, you can use igloo.
L A devilishly sticky brand of adhesive is Glucifer.
M How much room does a fungus need to grow? As mushroom as possible.
M The worst Christmas crime is myrrh-dur. (It makes Frank incensed.)
PQ Cleaning your teeth makes you wise. A floss-opher.
R Breaking news: the laws against ringing a bell twice have been re-pealed!
S A counterfeit sim can play music, since it's a symphony.
S A marionette was convicted of theft, but given a suspended sentence.
S Chat with friends or murder cheese; either way we shoot the bries.
S If you feel like running naked, spray yourself with Windex. It prevents streaking.
S You can trust a glue salesman. He tends to stick to his word.
VZ I don't like stairs. They're always up to something.
VZ I'm addicted to having money in my bank account. I suffer from withdrawals.
VZ Why did Silly Billy quit his job in the doughnut factory? He was tired of the hole business.
December 23, 2016:
A The Wall Failed and Caused a Flood: Adam Shame
A What's the best way to get into an embassy? Through the ambassador!
H How My Cat Keeps Himself Clean: Felix Himself
S German Q-Tips are made in Swabia.
S The full-length cartoon "Cryo" wasn't cancelled, it was put in suspended animation.
TU Always serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
December 23, 2016:
A A person in pain is like a monarch - aching all over!
B At an Indian fireworks show, there are Bangalore.
C A holiday-season test could be called a Quizmas.
C I don't understand why DC and Marvel haven't licensed superhero house-cleaning products. After all, they are grime fighters.
C Is the fear of Santa called Claustrophobia?
C Long, Green Vegetables, Volume 1: Q. Cumber
C The legalized marijuana industry needs a new name. I suggest cannabusiness.
C Welcome to the herb exhibition! Admission is $5, but kids can comfrey!
C Which mythological creature is the most vain and self-centred? The one that want to be the centaur of attention.
D What is King Wenceslas' favourite pizza? One that is deep-pan, crisp and even.
E I want a beer stein shaped like a pachyderm. I'd call it an alephant.
F Unclean!: Phil Thee
K Would a joint Indo-Australian currency be called the KangaRupee?
L In order to get into Victoria's Secret, one must walk through Labrador.
M A Charlie's Angels spinoff that never got off the ground was "Moe's Lasses", who helped people get out of sticky situations.
M Do Indian children say "Mumbai me a toy!" at the store?
PQ "3.1415926 is a number made in Heaven," said Tom piously.
PQ Do people in the marijuana business throw pot-luck parties?
PQ The sexton and the vicar have disappeared! Should we file a missing parsons report?
R When a jogger passes through a clock tower, does it mean s/he is running out of time?
S "Vacuum cleaners don't float," said Tom succinctly.
S Should an Indian country/pop singer call herself Chennai-a Twain?
TU Upon spotting the (mythological) Indian Desert Whale, you are supposed to say "Thar she blows!"
VZ Long, Green Vegetables, Volume 2: Sue Keeny
December 2, 2016:
A A Baghdad spider is an Iraqnid.
A A Vice-President playing the bongos is mathematical because he's an Al Gore Rhythm.
B "I just ate a block of hay," said Tom balefully.
B What is a skeleton's favourite fruit? A bone-ana.
C A perfume-free merry-go-round is a scent-refuge.
C I could make a big production out of putting a cool hat on a crow. I could call it a caw-beret.
C The best place to buy a phone made of maple is Collingwood.
D When attempting to sell new Products for Torment in Hell, one always needs to provide a demon-stration.
E "Perimeter!" said Tom edgily.
F The Christmas of Reconciliation was memorable because Christmas is forgiving and not forgetting.
G The cheese that will turn you to stone is Gorgon-zola.
G The most Vice-Presidential cheese is Al Goregonzola.
G Undead hockey and soccer teams have ghoulies to guard the net.
H Mountains are funny because they are hill areas.
H Would "Head them off at the pass!" mean something different in a cannibal Western movie?
L Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
PQ "Vertex!" said Tom pointedly.
R The Westin hotel chain has opened a new hotel for zombies just in time for Halloween: the Westin Peace.
VZ A song that should be played at sci-fi fan-cons is "Dr. Who Let the Dogs Out". Except, they're not dogs…
VZ Are orcas, humpbacks and blues found near Venez-whale-a?
VZ The Undead Hockey League cleans its ice rinks with Zombonis.
VZ When meteorologists want to have a stag (or doe) party, they go to Home Depot to see the weather stripping.
October 10, 2016:
A A Tale of German Capital: Amber Lynn Cash
A Do nude banana jokes lack appeal?
A Test audiences always hate advertisements with poetry. They have adverse reactions to them.
B When a ship comes into port, it gets a little older because it's a berthday.
B While on board a ship, I wear a boat-tie.
C Cab, cab, … , cab[n] is very entertaining because it's a cab array.
C In the US Deep South, do cannibals eat their soup with crackers?
D Can a chronic liar be cured with a defibrillator?
D When a ship gets kicked out of a country, it is de-ported.
F What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller.
I Chemists don't go broke, they become insolvent.
J Measuring Musical Aptitude: Julie Yard
L An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.
L Pet hair that is lying around the house is devilish because it is Loose Fur.
M A cannibal went to chef school so she could make something of herself.
M Do those of the Hebrew persuasion put Matzo-rella cheese on their crackers?
M He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
PQ A rock-hard fruit is a pomegranite.
S Putting a plaid suit on a leopard could be called a spot check.
S The problem with champagne is that too much of it will create realpagne. But it's the journey, not the destination, right?
S Where do Greeks get their hair done? At Thessaloniki.
VZ How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eyes.
July 31, 2016:
B Dr. Frankenstein was a fitness buff, and was really into body building.
B How can you tell if an ant is male or female? Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's a boy ant.
B The best place for a composer to bake beets is the Beethoven.
B To celebrate the grand re-opening of the First National Bank after the flood, they held a bank-wet.
C Electricians are musical. Who else put Handel in chandelier?
C How does a musician keep her instrument dry? She wraps it in cello-phane.
C I always get animated when I listen to musical pieces in the car, because they're car-tunes.
C If a musician doesn't quite get the win, do they say "Close, but no Seger"?
D Being ejected from an orchestral performance is neither unsettling nor disturbing, it's disconcerting.
E Why is the Elephant on the Chair?: Zeke Amos.
I When the Schwarzenegger family decided to dress up as classical composers for Halloween, Arnold said "I'll be Bach".
K Is Santa Claus' underwear called St. Knickers?
L Surveyors like Star Wars. They're always looking at the Leia the land.
M An inferior brown pigment is mediochre.
PQ People playing Pokemon Go are Peeping Toms because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.
R Uncooked Proto-Soup: Rob Roth.
S A philosopher who would have liked kicking a ball around was Soccer-ates.
June 19, 2016:
A I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put the oven on aloha setting.
A Noah was an engineer and an ark-itect.
A When I want to work hard, I hold an apple to my eye so I can apple-eye myself.
B A busy fireworks display is like a mini-India because there are Bangalore.
C "Lignite, bituminous and anthracite? Wow, what a coallection!"
C Retirement: Collette Quits
E Dogs are noisy when they're getting on ships because they're embarking.
E It isn't cheap to quit being a philosopher and a thinker. In fact, it's ex-pensive.
G The head of the Fish Mafia is the Codfather.
H At a fish wedding there is his ring and herring.
H Muhammad Ali could have gone into the recording industry. All his songs would have been hits.
H Muhammad Ali's favourite comet could have been Hale-Bopp (you one).
L Hawaiian Parties are Amazing!: Lou Wow
L When your shoes are falling apart, does it mean they're on their last legs?
O Some people like Star Wars food: Organaic.
PQ I wonder if Muhammad Ali's favourite drink and magazine was Punch?
PQ Why is milk the fastest liquid on earth? Because it's pasteurized before you see it.
PQ You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
R A person who thinks before answering is a res-ponder.
S The drink that makes you mad is sangria.
TU Laughing too hard at doughnut jokes torus apart.
TU When the last scene of the movie about N.W.A. was finished, did the director say "That’s a rap!"?
VZ A Mexican magician said he'd disappear on the count of three. Uno. Dos. Poof! Without a tres.
VZ Are doughnuts made from hole grains?
May 23, 2016:
B What colour are whales? Blue-ga.
B What scary things do ghosts wear on their feet? Boots.
D "Charlie and the Chocolate EXTERMINATE!": Roald Dahlek
D Heroin, cocaine, morphine, crystal meth and more definitions can be found in your addictionary!
D To practice for the marathon, I jogged in the desert. It was a dry run.
E If Darwin were alive today, would he drive an eVolvo?
F How did the human cannonball lose his job? He got fired.
F If you dine on steak and find yourself a little hoarse afterwards, were you eating filly mignon?
F If you had steak in the City of Brotherly Love, did you have Philly mignon?
G Good gracious!: G. Whiz
G How can one do a survey of jockeys? With a Gallop Poll.
H Making clothes for nuns isn't addictive, but it is habit-forming.
I Rusty Bedsprings: I. P. Nightly
J A major martial arts actor in Waterworld is Jean-Claude van Damp. He made quite a splash in Hollywood!
J If Nike were to start marketing to singers, would it use the slogan "Just Duet"?
L Stories about my feet are not myths. They're leg-ends.
M "Hey, Theseus, how long will it take you to get out of the labyrinth?" "Oh, a minotaur so."
M "I'm sad that my motorized bicycle isn't working," Tom moped.
M This is Not Optional: Amanda Tory
N "I play the guitar with my nose!" Tom boasted, with a nasal twang.
N I plugged my ears with my fingers and had a near-deaf experience.
PQ For Halloween, I will get a brain gelatine mold, fill it with grape Jello, and dedicate it to Prince. It'll be a Purple Brain.
PQ Punning is a disease. Were it to become contagious, it would be a pundemic.
R I wonder if Thor's favourite music genre is Ragnarock?
S A guy threw away a violin made from watches because he didn't want to be second fiddle to anyone.
S Any humour about a person who's part horse has to be satyrical.
TU Kid: "Dad, I can count my toes!" Dad: "Toe-tally!"
VZ I woke up on Saturday morning feeling listless, unmotivated and barely able to get out of bed. I was in a weekend condition.
April 5, 2016:
A A pullover coat will make you thinner because it gives you anorak-sia.
A My traveling stinks because I am aroma.
A What do aliens sing in operas? Aria 51.
B If the Great Escape requires that the car go into reverse, and the gear breaks, do you need a backup plan?
C Chinchilla: What you get when you eat ice cream too messily.
C The preferred drug of frogs is croakaine.
C The preferred table game of frogs is croakinole.
D What do you call a cow that just had its baby? Decalfinated.
E What I Do When I Get More Work: Emmet A. Groan.
F Should yoga instructors be prepared to work flexible hours?
M Was the Rapper King of ancient Babylon M.C. Hammurabi?
PQ If I get hot throwing pies at people who are using oars, does that make me a pyromaniac?
PQ My word play stinks because I am a pun gent.
PQ When a bald man was given a comb for his birthday, he said "I will never part with it."
R Is cowboy clothing called ranch dressing?
S "I am not too fat for Spandex!" said Tom, stretching the truth.
S The credits of the movie "Eclipse" give the Sun top billing, because it is the star of the show.
TU For April Fool's Day, I was given neckwear with a picture of a tongue on it. I couldn't speak because I was tongue-tied.
TU The next maker of a smart watch should include a comb in its box. It will be successful because it's an idea whose time has comb.
March 2, 2016:
A "Ring this chime when you are ready. It's the availa-bell."
A What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle? Attire!
C A good name for a pet lobster is Claude.
C Shellfish in the Old West used to sing "My Darling Clamentine".
H We should rename the year after 2019 "Hindsight" because Hindsight is 2020.
L A priest, a rabbi and an imam went sky-diving. They called it a leap of faith.
L I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
M A geographer learned to cook because "I wanted to learn to make Medina."
M Are people in Saudi Arabia neat, or do they Mecca mess?
M Bullfighters enter the arena through the matador.
R Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
S "I got to the bowling alley with time to spare!" said Tom strikingly.
S "The Waltz of the Cars" could be called the "Sedance".
S The favourite song of a geographer who studies rivers is "Sedimental Journey".
TU I've Tasted Bad Beverages, But This Is a...: Travis Tea.
TU The study of tree branch angles is twigonometry.
TU The tongue-twister champion was just arrested. A tough sentence is expected.
VZ "I Fly Da Plane" by Yolanda Plane.
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff.
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