I have received two versions of this. Both are pretty accurate...
Sat, 26 Apr 1997 18:24:16 PST
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL by Peggy Althoff
- Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as
if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop
pill into its mouth.
- Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
- Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth
with right forefinger.
- Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)
- Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat,
bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the
upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your
knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
- Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
- If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
- Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open
cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
- This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
- Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
- Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
- Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
- Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse
to flatten cat.)
- Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or
- Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
- Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
- Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
- Take two aspirins and lie down.
January 8, 2002.
I see you already have a version of this, but I thought I'd drop this one
by anyway. It's different from the first one but follows the same principle.
How to Give A Cat a Pill
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to
cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve the [bleep]ing cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie the little [bleep]'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
- Arrange for RSPA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
(Editor's note: Of course, the latter few items in the list were meant for humour only
[albeit, not in the best of taste]. This is not meant to endorse abuse of animals... I'm
sure that those readers who have had to give cats medicine can agree with the sentiments,
if not the exact actions.)
How to Give A Dog A Pill
- Wrap it in bacon.
- Feed dog.