My Diplomacy Poetry

I'm a programmer and analyst at my job, but I think that inside there is a poet trying to get out. Most of my efforts so far have been Diplomacy-related, for which Larry Peery is largely to blame. 8-) I started adding limericks to a Youngstown demo game I was in (as India) in Diplomacy World. I've become the Diplomatic Pouch's "Poet Laureate", and many of these have showed up in its issues.

My output so far consists of a large number of limericks, some haiku, a sonnet or two, and riffs on The Raven, The Night Before Christmas, and miscellaneous styles of my own.


Limericks are what got me started. They're meant to be light and silly, and these certainly are. 8-)
#1 - How to Win (December 1992, from the A-Z)
In Diplomacy to be a winner,
One must be a terrible sinner.
The teller of lies,
Grows to a frightening size,
While the virtuous only get thinner.
#2 - Mack Got the Knife (April 12, 2014)
A Diplomacy player named Mack
Wanted to make a pre-emptive attack.
But he had to depend
On a neighbouring "friend" -
What he got was a knife in the back.
#3 - The Angry German (April 12, 2014)
I got email from a desperate German
Who said "All my neighbours are vermin!
They all have the hots
For my beautiful dots
And they think that my damn name is Hermann!"
#4 - Constantinople (April 26, 2014)
A woman from Constantinople
Lost her favorite jewel: an opal.
It was found by Sam Eppy,
A priest who was peppy,
And the opal is now episcopal. (Spring, 1904)
#5 - New Delhi (Youngstown Dip SC) May 10, 2014
People complain that New Delhi
Is crowded and noisy and smelly.
And that wild baboons
Beating Japanese goons
Is all that they show on the telly.
#6 - Walter Buchanan May 17, 2014
One day our friend Walter Buchanan
Got shot from the mouth of a cannon.
He said as he flew
"There must be better ways to
Go visit my lovely friend Shannon."
#7 - Undead Diplomacy (October 19, 2014)
Undead Diplomacy's cool
Because of the following rule.
It says when you're stabbed,
And your SCs are grabbed,
You get to come back as a ghoul.
#8 - Diplomacy Games (October 20, 2014)
Each Diplomacy game is a tale
Of deceit and defeat and betrayal,
Where being too nice
Is considered a vice
And results in your exile to Wales.
#9 - Jim Burgess (October 23, 2014)
A wonderful guy is Jim Burgess,
But he does have some terrible urges.
Though he might be gabbing,
He's thinking of stabbing,
And soon all you're saying is curses.
#10 - Costaguana (October 26, 2014)
The venerable zine Costaguana
Is not about pricing iguanas.
If you were asked to play,
You would probably say:
"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!"
#11 - The Abyssinian Prince (TAP) November 6, 2014
Nobody's opinion of TAP
Is that it's a huge pile of crap.
If you lifted a stack
Of all issues, your back
Would blow itself out with a snap.
#12 - Not a Waste of Time (Novermber 8, 2014)
Diplomats say it's a crime
To call it the Eater of Time.
Time isn't wasted
If you're enemy's pasted
Into primorial slime.
#13 - Marseilles
There was a young lass in Marseilles
Whose guy wouldn't do as she'd say.
"You must support me in Spain
Or you'll feel the pain
Of a kick in the nuts every day!"
#14 - German Invasion
As the Germans were crossing the Rhine,
They said "We're just here for the wine.
We'll enter Burgundy
At twelve o'clock Sunday
And see you in Paris by nine."
#15 - Black Sea
The Black Sea is an oversized lake
Where Turkish and Russian fleets make
A battle each season
Without any reason
Except for some SCs to take.
#16 - France
A gentleman player of France
Couldn't get into his pants.
And when the seams ripped,
He said "I've been gypped!
This makes it much harder to dance!"
#17 - Kiel (Jan 14, 2015)
I don't see what's so great about Kiel.
It's less sexy than Jessica Biel.
But strategic location
In the German nation
Makes the SC most worthwhile to steal.
#18 - Munich (Jan 18, 2015)
What can I say about Munich?
It wasn't involved in Wars Punic.
But when Italians invade,
They're not there for the shade,
They claim all they want are new tunics.
#19 - Berlin (Jan 18, 2015)
If you want to be taking Berlin,
You don't need to be magic Merlin.
Just move in your army
And say something smarmy
And dodge what the German's hurlin'.
#20 - Larry Peery (Feb 6, 2015)
The Diplomacy God Larry Peery
Works for The Game 'til he's weary.
Everyone knows
That his output of prose
Keeps a game from getting too dreary.
#21 - Honour (February 7, 2015)
In Diplomacy it's no big deal
To lie and to cheat and to steal.
But a man without honour,
Like the family Donner,
Will wind up as somebody's meal.
#22 - Too Much of a Good Thing (February 7, 2015)
I'm getting The Look from my wife -
The prelude to marital strife.
"Too much playing That Game
Is causing me shame!
Why don't you go get a life!"
#23 - China (February 7, 2015)
To be a good player of China,
You really cannot be a whina.
Although it depends
On which neighbours are friends
And which ones will give you angina.
#24 - The Snatcher (February 10, 2015)
An odious man is The Snatcher
Who always is looking to catch yer.
He'll promise you lots
Then snatch all your dots
And then you'll be put out to pasture.
#25. Unfriendly Neighbours
Your neighbours will do what they can
To try to put you in the can.
They stab and they lie
And hope that you'll die
Before the brown stuff hits the fan.
#26 Diverting Attacks
Your neighbours are plotting against you
You know there is one thing you must do.
You must go out back
And plan the attack
Of their neighbours on them, not on you!
#27. Lady Plays Turkey (June 17, 2016)
A clever young lady played Turkey
With allies allergic to work-y.
To those lazy chumps,
She dealt out hard lumps
And chewed them all up like beef jerky.
#28. Leo Belgicus (July 16, 2016)
I drew a map shaped like a lion
That got the cartographers cryin'.
All the Dutchmen are nuts
About Belgians as butts
And a paw Luxembourg's occupying.


These aren't nearly as easy to write as one might think. They have to be short and sweet, but at the same time you have to find a way to sneak something profound into them. I try, but I'm sure you'll find better examples of the craft elsewhere. 8-)

Oh, Austria!
You have too many neighbours
And not enough friends.
It is hard to rule
The waves when they are full of
Other players' fleets.
Just because I'm France,
It does not pay to assume
That I will surrender.
Please give me a chance
To prove to my neighbours that
I have the Reich stuff.
I'm shaped like a boot.
So why do my neighbours want
To walk all over me?
Unlike your mother,
Your welfare is not a concern
of Mother Russia.
Yellow is pretty
When there are lots of pieces
All over the board.
(For the Quickly Crushed)
Coffee and a chair
For me until end of game?
I hate all of you.
A crushing defeat
Makes better conversation
Than a victory.
Your feeling of doom
When everyone looks away
Should not be ignored.

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