My Diplomacy Non-Poetry: Diplomacy Carols

Christmas Carols with a Diplomacy Twist

Starting in mid-December of 2017, I started thinking about how I could give some popular Christmas carols a Diplomatic spin. Given that I'd just lost my job less than a month ago, I had plenty of time on my hands. The results are what you see below. They got published in The Diplomatic Pouch.

I created two more in 2018, albeit a bit too late for the holiday season, but nobody really cares about that. I may make this an annual tradition...

Stabbing Bells [Nov 29, 2017]

Dashing through the board,
Crushing all my foes,
Causing much discord,
And treading on their toes.

This is not a dream,
Since grabbing lots of dots,
And making bad guys scream,
Is giving me the hots.

Oh! Stabbing bells, stabbing bells,
Clang with howls of pain.
Watch and learn as I triumph,
And crush you all again!

I wish that this were true,
It's definitely not.
I feel a sense of doom,
Since neighbours won't be bought.

I know I want to be a
Mighty Dip hotshot,
But when you're stuck with Austria,
Then hope is all you've got.

Oh! Austria, Austria,
You know when you're screwed.
You can deal with one neighbour,
But not with three or two.

Diplomacy (O Christmas Tree) [Dec 7-8]

Diplomacy, Diplomacy,
Why do I keep on playing?
Diplomacy, Diplomacy,
Why do I keep on playing?

I start each game so full of hopes,
But all too soon, I'm on the ropes.
Diplomacy, Diplomacy,
Why do I keep on playing?

Diplomacy, Diplomacy,
My only hope is praying.
Diplomacy, Diplomacy,
My only hope is praying.

My neighbours don't want to be friends,
Alliances meet sticky ends.
Diplomacy, Diplomacy,
My only hope is praying.

Diplomacy, Diplomacy,
Why are you so addictive?
Diplomacy, Diplomacy,
Why are you so addictive?

There's one advantage to my plight:
I can drink beer throughout the night.
Diplomacy, Diplomacy,
Why are you so addictive?

Hark the Herald Dipper Cries [Dec 13-14]

Hark! the Herald Dipper cries:
It is time to spout your lies.
Peace on earth, goodwill to men
Don't exist in game host's den.

Powers rise and Powers fail.
Through alliance and betrayal.
Who put the lie in alliance?
You deserve a kick in your pants!

Hark! the current game is done.
We can't wait for the next one.

Deck the Board [Dec 16-17]

Deck the board with fleets and armies.
We are gonna play Diplomacy.
Normal people think we're barmy.
We will prove you wrong, just wait and see.

Just for fun we'll stab our neighbours,
And we'll howl with rage when they stab us.
Revenge has got a nice flavour.
Wait a minute where are all my dots?

Get your units off of my land!
I'm the one who should be stomping you!
This is what I don't understand:
Even though I lose, I want to play.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Dipper [Dec 20]

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Dipper
Thought he had a clever plan.
He'd get his neighbours fighting,
And move his armies to their lands.

All of the other Powers
Looked as though they'd go along.
But when the moves were read out,
He found out that he was wrong.

All his clever moves had bounced
Neighbours were not fooled.
As his hopes came crashing down,
He just sat and stared and drooled.

He saw his empire crumble,
As his neighbours laughed with glee.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Dipper
Cannot win Diplomacy!

Harry the Gamer

(with apologies to Walter Rollins, Steve Nelson, and Gene Autry)
December 30, 2018

Harry the gamer
Lives to play Diplomacy.
All he wants to do is take off his shoes
Pop a beer and start to play.

Harry the gamer
Was as drunk as drunk can be.
He put down his booze when he had to choose
And wound up with Italy.

He made a cry and had to try
To see if anyone would trade.
He only got some loud rude laughs;
Even Austria refrained.

He was surrounded
By people he didn't trust.
To the west was France where he had no chance
To avoid being crushed to dust.

His eastern neighbour
Might be coaxed into A-I,
It would be a blast if they made it last
Then they wouldn't have to die.

He didn't trust the Austrian
To keep his word at all.
When Trieste and Venice bounced
He began to dance around.

Harry the gamer
Played his greatest game that night.
Yes he got the win, full of lies and sin,
And then he never played again.

When they would ask why,
He would shake his head and say,
"Playing Italy sucked the joy and glee
From my mind and soul that day."

It's the Most Wonderful Time For a Beer

(With apologies to Eddie Pola, George Wyle and Andy Williams)
December 31, 2018

It's the most wonderful time for a beer.
With your enemies swarming, your temperature warming
Until it is clear
That your most natural drink is a beer.

It's the game you were so sure you would win.
One neighbour's a twit, the other half-wit,
You sat with a grin
And you poured yourself a tonic and gin.

All your navies are floating
And you're sitting back gloating
With them retreating in fear.
Of course no holiday's done
Without some eggnog and rum
Chase it all down with more beer.

Why am I lying face down on the floor?
Units are thinning, the room is spinning,
I can write no more.
Yes my most wonderful game is no more!

N.M.R? You are joking!
I am lying here croaking
My orders for you to hear!
Though I'm under the table
I know that I'm still able
To make myself sort of clear!

It's my least successful game of the year.
I just cannot play in this sad decay.
The lesson is clear.
Yes my most dangerous foe is those beers.

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