Tue, 7 Dec 1993
Hi. I got your posting, and remembered the following, although I don't
know whether it fits what you want. Anyway, it's cute and the
veterinarian stuff is new. The author is listed at the bottom.
(Of course, as an accuracy matter, I don't know any dogs who try to get
OUT of cars after being allowed in.)
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.
- Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat
certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of
staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is
eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
- It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower
third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified
by sight or smell are considered gum.
- When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you
would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen
minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your
dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
- Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it
is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take
from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim
- When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and
packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
- If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at
getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second
tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous
drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else
- There are really only two important facial expressions to bother
with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
- Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time
to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best
location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing
position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
- The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully
clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece
- Personal Safety
- At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room
yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them
whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their
balance or have to force you away physically.
- The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it
is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your
- Recreation and Leisure
- Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to
know. a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it. b.
The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
- Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once
inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
- In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you
are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
Since I have taken to sleeping under the bed, I have come to know
tranquility I never imagined possible. You never really know when it might
be cookie time. And that's what the dogs have taught me.
-- Merrill Markoe, "Late Night with David Letterman: The Book"
Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans
Wed, 30 Jul 1997
I think my dog wrote this one!
Regards, Olivia De Bruyn
- After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is
especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
- Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your
ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done
something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house
for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have
done absolutely nothing wrong.)
- Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then
the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the
humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
- Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff
around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go
pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
- Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone
watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a
- When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every
time a strange human walks by.
- Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when
playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
- Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them
at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible
has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken
and close to tears).
- When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time.
Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
- Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and
make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back
inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside,
this will drive them nuts!)
Things We Can Learn From A Dog
Thu, 8 Jan 1998
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp and play daily.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ...run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.