Comparing Men to Dogs

Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996
From: Meg Schell
Subject: dogs vs. men

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

By Jennifer Berman

Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
Dogs are good with kids.
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs do not read at the table.
Dogs don't correct your stories.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs like your size.
Dogs look at your eyes.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
Dogs take care of their own needs.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
You can house train a dog.
You can train a dog.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both like dominance games.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Holiday Inns accept men.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Men can buy you presents.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men open their own cans.