How to Give your Pup a Pill

Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1999
Subject: Here is LATEST POOCHNOOZ!

Volume 2 Issue #7
August 15, 1999

Now the humorous side of giving medication!
From somewhere in Cyberspace--author unknown! Looks a lot like How to Give a Cat a Pill...

  1. Pick pup up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of pup's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As pup opens mouth, quickly and sneakily pop pill into mouth. Allow pup to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and pup from behind sofa. Cradle pup in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve pup from under the bed and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Get new pill, cradle pup in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. FORCE jaws open and PUSH pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth SHUT for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from under the stereo and pup from closet. Call spouse in from garden to help.
  6. Kneel on floor with pup wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by pup. Get spouse to hold pup's head firmly with one hand while FORCING wooden ruler INTO mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub pup's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve pup from behind the toilet, get ANOTHER pill. Make note to buy new ruler. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap pup in large towel and get spouse to lie on pup with its head just visible below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, FORCE pup's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away and TAKE PILL. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Call fire department to retrieve pup from the drain pipe across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid pup. QUICKLY take last pill.
  11. Tie pup's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. FORCE pup's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of T-bone steak. Hold pup's head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  12. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  13. Telephone and arrange for the vet to make a house call.

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