Two-Liners

(The) Fonz [Character on the TV show Happy Days]: I'm thinking about creating a TV show called "Happy Days". It'll be about a family of printers, but its real star will be the fonts. It will be a drama, so Comic Sans.
A Lower: I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put the oven on aloha setting.
A Nap: Is your iPad preventing you from falling asleep? Don't worry, there's a nap for that.
A Sure: Making a bet on what colour something will be is risky. It's not azure thing.
Abbot and Costello: "I hear that Elvis Costello and Abba will be touring this year." "Abba and Costello? Who's on first?"
About: I'm finally going to sit and read that Stephen Hawking book. It's about time.
Accent: I accidentally sprayed some deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a weird Axe scent.
Acoustics: The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not, because a coo sticks.
Acquire: "How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" "You mean 'a choir'?" "Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"
Adverse: Test audiences always hate advertisements with poetry. They have adverse reactions to them.
Ahead: I have a deep admiration for busts. They're really ahead of their time.
Amazement: When I learned what a labyrinth was, I was astonished. It's what a maze meant.
An Ear: We just bought an authentic Van Gogh coffee table. We know it's authentic because there's a bit of veneer missing.
Angrier: My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I mess with her red wine. So I added fruit and lemonade to it, and she's sangria than ever.
Anxiety: Brontophobia is the fear of thunder. Maybe we should call it bang-ziety?
Apocalypse: Hockey Night in Canada has been suspended for the pandemic. It's really the end of the world - the Apuckalypse!
Ardent: To promote Valentine's Day passion, make a letter R out of something and press it into a soft spot of your amour. It will make him/her R-dent.
Are, Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."
Arson: "You two are pyromaniacs, and it looks like your boy is too!" "Well, he is our son Orson."
Ask You: "Why is everything crooked?" "I was going to askew the same thing."
Assembling Cabinet: The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.
At Large: A shipment of weight loss pills was stolen this morning. The suspects are still at large.^Pun.me
Available: "Ring this chime when you are ready. It's the availa-bell."
B Positive: My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "Be Positive", but it's hard without him.
Battered: Did you hear about the big fight at the seafood restaurant? Battered fish were everywhere!
Be Heading: I got a job as an executioner. I'll beheading there shortly.
Bear Arms: The U.S. 2nd Amendment legalizes T-Shirts. Americans have the "right" to bare arms.
Billionaire: I've started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. Someday I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Bills to Pay: "Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald." (Stolen from Laugh-In)
Blocks: The LEGO stores are reopening. People are lined up for blocks!
Blow Job: There exists a reporting application called Tableau. In a business environment, one should say "This is a job for Tableau!", not "This is a Tableau job!"
Blow Up: An unsuccessful demolition engineer can only blow up balloons.
Bolt: I bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
Booked: I heard that there's a hot new restaurant in town called The Library. I tried to get reservations, but it was fully booked.
Bred: At the zoo, I saw some toast in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.
Cabaret: I could make a big production out of putting a cool hat on a crow. I could call it a caw-beret.
Called Ron: Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot. They're both cauldron.
Can: Does a match box? No, but a tin can.
Cannabis: The legalized marijuana industry needs a new name. I suggest cannabusiness.
Cast: A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play. Luckily he was still able to make the cast.
Catastrophe: The taxidermist mounted the wrong end of the lion that the big game hunter had killed. It was a cat ass trophy.
Catch [fish]: There's no such thing as free fishing lessons. There's always a catch.
Catch and Release: Catch and release works well for fishermen. Too bad it doesn't work for viruses and the like.
Centre for Disease Control: In Greek mythology, Chiron was not only half-human and half-horse, but also a doctor of medicine. This made him a Centaur of Disease Control.
Changing of the Guard: For Halloween, I will put on a military uniform and march around the yard swapping pumpkins. I call it the Changing of the Gourd.
Check One Two: I have a Polish friend who's a sound engineer. I have a Czech one too.
Cheech and Chong: Much is known about the ancient Mayan city of Chichen Itza. Less is known of one of its suburbs, Chichen Chong, which produced charcoal and blew a lot of smoke.
Clean: I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now.
Clear the Table: After dinner, my wife asked me to clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
Clog Dance: Even plumbers are getting into "alternative therapies". To clear blocked sinks or toilets, an "alternative" plumber will don wooden shoes and dance a two-minute jig around the offending item, which will then miraculously start to work again. They call it the "clog dance".
Coach: People who work for passenger bus and train companies should be great at sports. Look at all the coaches they have to work with!
Collection: "Lignite, bituminous and anthracite? Wow, what a coallection!"
Combing: The local hairdresser got robbed. The police are combing the area.
Come Forth: And the Lord said unto John: ‘Come forth and you will receive eternal life’. But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Company: Corporate raiders are a little too friendly. They want to keep you company.
Complex: I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
Con Artist: My friend works at a police station drawing sketches of suspects. She's a con artist.
Contacts [Lenses]: To the thief who took my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.
Convenient: Someone asked me the most convenient time for them to contact me, and I said "7:11".
Crime Fighters: I don't understand why DC and Marvel haven't licensed superhero house-cleaning products. After all, they are grime fighters.
Criticizing: I was tossed out of my local park for arranging squirrels by height. They didn't like my critter sizing.
Cry On: Whenever my girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
Damn: I watched a documentary about beavers yesterday. It was the best dam show ever!
Day Off: I can't believe that I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Decoy: I bought a fake koi fish for my pond. It's a dekoi.
Die Late: Did you know that the pupils are the last thing to stop moving when you cease living? Yes, they dilate.
Died: Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Dirty: Some people stole my soap. The dirty bastards.
Dry Run: To practice for the marathon, I jogged in the desert. It was a dry run.
E-I-E-I-O: "Old MacDonald in the 'hood. E-I-E-I-Yo-Mama."
Elephant: I want a beer stein shaped like a pachyderm. I'd call it an alephant.
Episodes: I told my therapist that I sometimes feel like my life is a TV show. He told me to let him know if I have any more episodes.
Escargot: A snail got himself a fast car with the letter S on its side. He wanted to drive really quickly so that people would say "Look at that S car go!"
Exercise: Priests who rid the world of evil spirits are always fit and healthy. It shows that exorcise is good for you.
Exhaust: Last night I dreamed that I was a car muffler. I woke up exhausted.
Expensive: It isn't cheap to quit being a philosopher and a thinker. In fact, it's ex-pensive.
FaceTime (Apple iPhones): There's a guy around town stealing iPhones. When he's caught, he will FaceTime in prison.
Fall: Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he had a great fall.^Pun.me
Falling Out: Some might call a balding guy's disagreement with his hair an argument, but it was more like a falling-out.
False Prophet: My seismologist friend got a job predicting earthquakes. He's a real faults prophet.
Faux Pas: I tell Dad jokes, but I have no kids. Does this make me a faux pa?
Feel Awful: I ate too much Middle Eastern food. Now I falafel.
Fentanyl: The soft drink Fanta is an opiod. When I run out, it's a Fanta-nil situation.
Figment: "I have created a new colour called groozle!" "There is no such colour! It's a pigment of your imagination!"
Final Frontier: It's hard to tell in the pictures, but Mr. Spock of Star Trek has three ears: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Finish Him: Did you know that the video game Mortal Kombat was based on Scandinavian church music? It was a Finnish hymn.
Flattery: "Your steam roller will not persuade me. Flattery will get you nowhere!"
Frankenstein: We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank made a monster.
Free Bee: A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That’s one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It’s a freebie.
Fresh Ground: "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, it's fresh ground."
Gathering Dirt: Don't be worried about your TV and smart phone spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Gesture: Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.
Get It: "Your dog is so dumb, he doesn't even understand the concept of fetch." "Yeah, he just doesn't get it."
Give It: The Historical Society was unable to sell the old prison gallows. They couldn't even gibbet away.
Goodyear [brand of tire]: I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me downhill. Those were Goodyears.
Grosser: A vegan once told me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I told him that people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Ground: "Why does my coffee taste like mud?" "I don't know. It was ground a few minutes ago."
Growing: I don't understand why there aren't more farmers. Isn't it supposed to be a growing industry?
Half Off: You can always get good discounts at topless clubs. Everything is half-off.
Handy Man: Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job. Now he's a handyman.
Head Lines: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
Heart Felt: I cut a heart shape out of red felt and glued it into a greeting card so that it would be a heart-felt expression of love.
Hellmans [brand of mayonnaise]: Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I said, "What the Hellman?" I wonder if he was from the Mayo Clinic.
Hemmorhoid: I wanted my rapper name to be M.C. Hammerhoid, but it made me the butt of piles of jokes and it didn't sit well.
I Know a: Need an Ark? I Noah guy.
I Was Right: Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet is. It was a total guess, but I was right.
IKEA (company): Apple will make its car in Korea. It will fold flat and require some assembly and will be called iKia.
Illuminati: Some people refer to those who refuse to change incandescent lightbulbs to fluorescents as wicked. I say they belong to a secret society - the Illumi-naughty.
In Cahoots: I've been secretly plotting with Peruvian owls. We're Inca hoots.
In the Pen: One ink spot walked up to another ink spot and said "Why are you crying?" The other ink spot replied "because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long the sentence will be!"
In the Pendant: "When I moved out, I got a locket with my picture in it." "You were independent?"
Inaction: Welcome to the Lazy Olympics! Stay tuned to see the athletes inaction!
Increasing: I'm looking at taking up origami as a hobby. My interest in it is in creasing.
Incubus: A person once bought a used school bus and turned it into a mobile tattoo shop. He called it the "Ink You Bus" and gave demon-strations.
Intend To: I hate auto-correct. It always makes me say things I don't Nintendo.
Irate: I took the P out of a pirate. He got really angry.
It Don't Mean a Thing… (Song): Some kids only like playgrounds if they have swings. Their theme song could be "It Don't Mean a Thing if it Ain't Got that Swing."
It's Warm: My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered… "Swarm."
Jamming: Why is there music coming from the printer? The paper is jamming again.
Jean-Claude van Damme: A major martial arts actor in Waterworld is Jean-Claude van Damp. He made quite a splash in Hollywood!
Joint [marijuana]: Marijuana Osteopathic Surgeons, Inc. is a joint operation.
Keeper: I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.
Kiss and Make Up: Did you hear about the beauty salon that offers marriage counseling? It's called the Kiss and Make-Up.
Laced: I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Laughing Stock: The head honchos of Komedy Klub wanted to issues shares and go public, but were advised against it. Nobody wants to be associated with a laughing stock.
Lay Of the Land: Surveyors like Star Wars. They're always looking at the Leia the land.
Legendary: Did you know that the Roman Army sold milk wherever it went? It was Legion-Dairy.
Let Out: A tailor let out my pants. I had to chase them all over the yard before I caught them.
Little Patient: "Doctor, I'm shrinking!" "Well, you'll have to be a little patient."
Looked Surprised: I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Looking Into: I've never owned a telescope. It's something worth looking into.
Love: Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
Lumberjack: I dreamed that I was running around a forest cutting down trees. Does this mean that I'm a slumberjack?
Make Up: Cosmeticians are liars. They makeup everything.
Mass: Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.
Matches: Google is terrible. I searched for lighters and got 145,000 matches.
Means Well: My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
Minors: C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, no minors".
Minute or: "Hey, Theseus, how long will it take you to get out of the labyrinth?" "Oh, a minotaur so."
Moving [emotional]: "Officer, why are you crying while writing my ticket?" "It's a … moving violation."
Mug Shots: Someone stole my coffee cup. Now I have to go to the police station to look at mug shots.
Mulan: I wrote a book about my life installing computer networks on cattle farms. I wanted to call it MooLAN, but the Disney lawyers objected.
Nicholas Cage [actor]: I have a bird cage made out of aluminum, not nickel. It's a nickeless cage.
Night Shifts: I have to work late at the museum, moving suits of armour. I hate knight shifts.
Ninety Degrees (F): If you feel cold, stand in a corner. They're usually around 90 degrees.
No Purchase Necessary: I am giving away my legless parrot. No perches necessary.
No Words to Describe: I just bought a thesaurus, and when I looked, I saw that all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Novel: Someone told me that I should write a book. That's a novel concept.
O+ [positive][blood type]: "How would you rate the movie 'Book of Blood'?" "Oh, positively."
Oar Deal: Did you hear about the huge paddle sale? It was quite an ordeal.
Opened: I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors.
Opinion: Apparently, crows have 16 pinion feathers and ravens have 17. So the difference between the two is a matter of a pinion.
Overreact: Her: "I have ovaries." Him: "Is that why you ovary act?"
Pandemic: Punning is a disease. Were it to become contagious, it would be a pundemic.
Past Tense: You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Penchant: I walked into a stationery store saying my mantra "Pens, pens, pens." I must have a pen-chant for office supplies.
Person: The sexton and the vicar have disappeared! Should we file a missing parsons report?
Philosopher: Cleaning your teeth makes you wise. A floss-opher.
Physical: A man hit another on the head with a pop bottle, killing him. In court, the defendant claimed he was influenced by the song "Let's Get Fizzy-Kill".
Pick On: The various anti-bullying initiatives are great, but not totally inclusive. Let's stop picking on fruit trees!
Pick Up: When at the pharmacy collecting some pills, I held the little bag and said to it, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" To the pharmacy person, I asked "Is this the way to pick up my prescription?"
Pig Meant: "I loved my stuffed pig so much that I dyed it purple!" "I didn't know that pigment so much to you."
Pile It: People who fly airplanes are great at flattery. They really know how to pilot on.
Pilot (First TV Episode): We're making a TV show on people who fly airplanes. We're currently filming the pilot.
Plagiarize: Don't name a song "Jar-Eyes". In English, they teach you to never play Jar-Eyes.
Poor: My daughter is deciding between being a bartender and a barista for her career. I think they're both pour choices.
Posted: "What's the status of the mail?" "I'll keep you posted."
Pressing: Dry cleaners are always busy. They have pressing business.
Pressure: I had to quite my job as a deep-sea diving instructor. The pressure was too much.
Pretty Nuts [expression]: Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter. It's pretty nuts.
Profits Through the Roof: I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Pub Crawl: Jazz singer Diana Krall once played at the Fox & Fiddle, the Bear & Firkin, and the Moose & Mansion. She called the mini-tour the "Pub Krall".
Pun Intended: Pun enters a room and kills 10 people. Pun in, ten dead.
Queen of Sheba: At an Agricultural Fair, I passed by a farmer who was proudly standing next to his prize-winning ewe named Princess. My suggestion of calling her the Queen of She-baa was not well received, as the farmer tried to ram his fist into my head.
Reflection: New Year's Eve is a time for reflection. So is a visit to a mirror shop.
Rehearsal: One of the things funeral home trainees have to practice is loading and unloading a casket from the transportation vehicle. Except it isn't called "practice", it's "re-hearsal".
Returns: I had to close my store that sold boomerangs. There were too many returns.
Right: I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both "lefts". On the one hand, this is great, but on the other hand, it's just not right.
Road Rage: A woman slammed her boat into the boat of the man who cut her off. It’s a clear case of rowed rage.
Rock and Roll: Dwayne Johnson and Dave Grohl should run for the US Presidency in 2020. Who wouldn't vote for The Rock and Grohl?
Rock Man Enough: Classical musicians would support Dwayne Johnson for President. They think the Rachmaninoff for the job.
Round Up [Math]: My farmer friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40!"
Ruins: Archeology is really just a career in ruins. (Sorry, I had to dig deep for that one.)
Sanskrit: My daughter scribbled her name on the ground at the beach. I didn't know she knew sandscript.
Satellite: In the old days, people used to tie lanterns to their horses to help them see at night. It was the first form of saddle light navigation.
Save [religious]: I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get 'saved' or you'll 'burn'. Stupid firefighters.
Saw It: I can cut a tree in half just by looking at it. I saw it with my own eyes!
Seem Stressed: My wife was getting annoyed by her job sewing things. I said to her, "You seamstressed." She replied "It's because I feel hemmed in."
Self Esteem: My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.
Seller: I have written a book called "First-Rate Basement Makeovers". It just made the best cellar list.
Sentences: A twin in prison called his brother. He asked "Remember when we were little and used to finish each other's sentences?"
Shady [untrustworthy]: I don't trust those trees. They seem rather shady.
Shift Work: I've found a job helping a one-armed typist with capital letters. It's shift work.
Shin Dig: The party to celebrate the unearthing of the world's largest dinosaur leg bone was quite the shindig.
Shit Zoo: A man walked into a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shitzu.
Soap Opera: Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Song is Finished But the Malady Lingers On: A warrior went to the tribe's shaman complaining of a headache, and the shaman gave him a leather thong to chew on, promising that he would be better when it was finished. A few days later, the warrior returned and complained that he was still feeling sick. "The thong is finished, but the malady lingers on."
Sore: A conversation in Valhalla: "I am Thor!" "Here, have thome athpirin."
Sound: Friend: "For this appointment, how does two o'clock sound?" Me: "Bong, bong."
Spectacle: Did you hear about the optician at the party? Two glasses and he made a spectacle of himself.
Step [Parent]: I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Stick: You can trust a glue salesman. He tends to stick to his word.
Stiff [dead person]: A small town had two funeral homes. Competition was stiff.
Stink: Skunks know naturally that they have a potent weapon under their tails. This makes me wonder if they put the stink in instinct.
Stop any Time: I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
Strained: How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
Streaking: If you feel like running naked, spray yourself with Windex. It prevents streaking.
Stunning: I went out with a girl who had a Taser. She was stunning.
Superficial: Somebody threw a bottle of Omega3 pills at me. Fortunately, the injury was only super fish oil.
Supervision: Clark Kent lost a custody battle for his kids. Now he can only see them with super vision.
Surcharge: My boss doesn’t like formal titles and said he’d fine us a quarter if we used a title on him. It’s going to be a Sir charge.
Sure Can: Can I make more bad Jungle Books jokes? I Shere Khan!
Sweeping: Have you heard of the new broom craze? It's sweeping the nation!
Tank: Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"
Tattooine Weenie: Luke Skywalker had a tattoo of a hotdog on his arm. He called it his Tattooweenie.
Telling: I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.
Ten Ants: I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
Tender is the Night [novel]: I made a video of myself pounding on a tough piece of meat with a mallet after sundown. I'll call it "Tenderize the Night".
Terrible: I know many jokes about toilet paper. They're all tearable.
The Sorest: I ate a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Theoretical: I just found out that Einstein was real. I thought that he was just a theoretical physicist.
Tie: Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Tireless: A man has been stealing the wheels from police cruisers. The cops are working tirelessly to find him.
Tissue: I tripped over a Kleenex box and hurt my leg. My doctor said it was just tissue damage.
Too Tense: "Doctor, doctor! Some days I think I'm a teepee, others I think I'm a wigwam! What do I do?" "Relax, you're two tents."
Totally: Kid: "Dad, I can count my toes!" Dad: "Toe-tally!"
Tough Sentence: The tongue-twister champion was just arrested. A tough sentence is expected.
Tow Them: Fire hydrants are tiny totem poles. People park next to them and the cops totem away.
Trail Mix: I made a playlist featuring musing from The Cranberries, Peanuts, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.
Trailer [movies]: There's a movie coming out about a mobile home. I just saw the trailer.
Transparent: After they'd had kids, the Invisible Man and Invisible Woman changed their genders. They became trans parents.
Triceratops: I asked the librarian if there were any authors who wrote dinosaur novels. She said "Try Sarah Topps."
Troubleshooting: I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire. I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual. Fortunately, it had bullet points.
Turned Into: Matt the Magician did an amazing quick-change trick while driving. He turned into his driveway.
Turns Out: I'm going to try on my reversible jacket. I want to see how it turns out.
U2: Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. The barkeep says "Not you two again!"
Uber [ride-sharing]: Chickens now hire a sheep to ride across the road. They call the service 'ewe'ber.
Unfolds: Breaking news: A man claims to have learned how to do origami backwards. More on this story as it unfolds.
Up to Something: I don't like stairs. They're always up to something.
Walk Through: I found out that my wife is a ghost. I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.
Web [World Wide]: My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Forget this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Who Let the Dogs Out: The World Health Organization has declared that you cannot get the Coronavirus from dogs, and there is no longer any reason to quarantine them. W.H.O. let the dogs out!
Wholesales: Grandpa used to dig holes for wells as a profession. You could say he was well into holesales.
Wig Warm: To keep your hairpiece from freezing, put it in a teepee. That's a great way to keep a wigwam.
Wigwam: A North American First Nations entrepreneur went to Guam and set up a hairpiece emporium in a large tent. He called it The Wig Guam.
Withdrawal: I'm addicted to having money in my bank account. I suffer from withdrawals.
Without a Trace: A Mexican magician said he'd disappear on the count of three. Uno. Dos. Poof! Without a tres.
Wouldn't You?: I want to go to the Netherlands. Wooden shoe?
You Have My Word: Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.