You know you're at a Redneck Church if...

Date Received: Wed, 21 Jul 1999

  1. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
  2. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
  3. Baptism is referred to as "branding."
  4. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
  5. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
  6. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
  7. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."
  8. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
  9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
  10. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
  11. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
  12. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
  13. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
  14. The Call to Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
  15. The church directory doesn't have last names.
  16. The doors are never locked.
  17. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!"
  18. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.
  19. The pastor wears boots.
  20. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" -- and five guys stand up.
  21. The restroom is outside.
  22. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
  23. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
  24. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
  25. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.

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