Various Redneck Computer Jokes

Date Received: Thu, 26 Sep 1996

What if Microsoft was based out of South Georgia???

  1. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw".
  2. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
  3. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
  4. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
  5. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders'95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky Heart".
  6. Instead of "Ta-Da", the opening sound would be Duelling Banjos.
  7. Instead of an hourglass icon you't get an empty beer bottle.
  8. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
  9. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.
  10. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse.
  11. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.
  12. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++".
  13. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
  14. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag.
  15. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
  16. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.
  17. The "Recycle Bin' in Winders'95 would be an outhouse.
  18. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
  19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire.
  20. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
  21. Winders'95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag.

Date Received: Thu, 10 Apr 1997
Hi Harold,
Got some more for you. The internet is great, isn't it? Do you ever find yourself staying on it too long and failing to get things done that should definately take precedence?

You might be a High-Tech Redneck if:

  1. Your e-mail address ends in ""
  2. You connect to the web via a Down Home Page.
  3. the bumper sticker on your truck says "my other computer is a "laptop".
  4. Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
  5. You've doubled the value of your pickup by installing a cellular phone.
  6. Your baseball cap reads "DEC" or "MAC" instead of "CAT".
  7. Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
  8. Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go" and you still don't miss her.
  9. You ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
  10. You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Betsy".
  11. Your screen saver is a bitmap of your favorite pickup, tractor, or farm animal.
  12. You start all your e-mails with "Howdy y'all".

Date Received: Fri, 20 Feb 1998

Top 20 Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office

  1. Banjos playing in the background.
  2. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
  3. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
  4. John Deere Pocket Protectors
  5. Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no redneck.
  6. Outgoing faxes have beer and/or tobacco stains on them.
  7. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
  8. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
  9. The keyboard is camouflaged.
  10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
  11. The monitor is up on blocks.
  12. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
  13. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
  14. The password is "bubba."
  15. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
  16. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling
  17. The six front keys have rotted out
  18. There is a gun rack is mounted on the CPU.
  19. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
  20. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

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