Date Received: Tue, 5 Jan 1999
WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological
signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm
out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even
see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much.
The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation.
There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers.
The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some
relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
SCROLL DOWN TO YOUR BIRTH DATE!
- OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
- Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra
have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see
the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
- CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
- Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can
make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When
it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then
erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are
best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
- BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
- You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of
things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner
hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about
it.
- MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
- You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch
to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the
key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in
the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about
aerobics. Maybe not.
- POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
- When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency
to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This
strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you.
One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually
running you over.
- CRAWFISH (May 22 - Jun 21)
- Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging
around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool
to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be
particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
- COLLARDS (Jun 22- Jul 23)
- Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them.
Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far
as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It
just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
- CATFISH (Jul 24 - Aug 23)
- Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people
to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above
all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
- GRITS (Aug 24 - Sep 23)
- Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe
you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they
have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where
they have all these things, that serves you well.
- BOILED PEANUTS (Sep 24 - Oct 23)
- You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those
who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you
deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right
ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a
charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull
over and stop for you.
- BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
- Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of
life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to
anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
- ARMADILLO Nov (23 - Dec 21)
- You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually
quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit,
worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's
fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're
really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably
want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating
possibility.