The Mad Scientist is a Redneck If...

Date Received: June 23, 2008

The author of this list is Brian Lallatin. I cannot be blamed for anything except posting it on my site. 8-)

From Brian: The lists, redneck MadSci and Mageknight are both original to me. I'm originally from Idaho, now living in Massachusetts, but most of my military career was spent in Virginia, South Carolina or Georgia.

---

Concerning the Master

1. After he finishes his Christmas shopping, he gets a thank-you note from Jack Daniels.
2. His body odor has been useful in containing an outbreak of zombies.
3. He can't tell you who the enemy was during the War of 1812 without muttering the lyrics of The Battle of New Orleans under his breath. "We fired our guns but the British kept...OH! The British!"
4. He commonly uses the phrase 'from hell' as a qualifier. For example: "Man, that's the Tesla Coil from Hell, innit?"
5. He confused his wife's part-time job as a travel agent with a job as a time-travel agent and tried to arrange a trip to the Flintstones.
6. He does not 'laugh in the face of Death' as much as he gets drunk with Death and ends up playing chicken before the night's over.
7. He fears the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms more than the Justice Department or angry villagers.
8. He goes to his family reunion to recruit sexy lab assistants.
9. He has a feud going with the evil genius over t' next valley.
10. He has a t-shirt that says "If I wanted your opinion, I'd offer you alcohol."
11. He has ever dialed 911 because of a childproof cap.
12. He has ever lectured to you about the nutritional benefits of beer.
13. He has ever picked himself up from where the explosion dumped him and shouted: Yeeehaw!
14. He has ever stood at the gate and asked the approaching villagers if they 'want a piece of me?!'
15. He has every played mumblty-peg with a scalpel.
16. He has referred to the village constable as 'Smokey.'
17. He has sent the Monster to spray-paint science formulas on the overpass outside the village.
18. He has sent you to size the Monster for a bowling shirt.
19. He has shouted 'Ride It, Hoss!' when Igor touched a power supply that was still plugged in.
20. He has spent an hour explaining that the root word of 'vegetarian' is Latin for 'Lousy Hunter.' With references.
21. He idea of a 'software problem' is whipping Igor in a sensitive spot.
22. He idea of compressing files on the hard drive involves a hammer.
23. If the castle is a smoking ruin, the Monster is dead, Igor has run off, and the Master is about to be hung from the village gates, he blames it all on Jane Fonda.
24. The Inner Sanctum has a magazine rack and two-ply 'meditation paper.'
25. Instead of splitting the item in half, Master's last property settlement involved a wood chipper and a mesh net.
26. He introduces people not by name, but by the college they attended ("This is my Clemson friend…").
27. Double credit if he refers to the college by the football team ("And our Gator lab assistant, here…").
28. His lab coat is in a camouflage pattern.
29. He leases a hunting lodge on The Island of Dr. Moreau.
30. On one of those long nights working in the lab, has ever spent more than ten minutes comparing Elvis to Jesus.
31. He once saved everyone from the mob of angry villagers with crowd control rodeo clowns.
32. He punctuates shouts of 'It's alive!' by firing a shotgun into the air.
33. His ringtone is a Jeff Foxworthy one-liner.
34. Televangelist broadcasts play in the lab while he's working.
35. He thinks an HTML Link is part of a chain made of High Tensile Martensite Laminated steel.
36. He uses digital timing, because he hates having to 'perform the calculations' to read the hands on the face of a clock.
37. A visitor said there were too many mounted squirrels in the trophy room and Master harvested their organs out of spite.
38. He was disappointed to discover the actual events that take place at a Monster Truck Rally, so he organized one of his own, involving monsters AND trucks.
39. He wears mirrored sunglasses for all time-travel experiments.
40. When presenting his findings to his ivy-league brain-dead jealous dogmatic paranoid peers, he opens with that joke about the Liberal and the Sheriff.
41. He would rather be a guest on Jerry Springer than printed in Scientific American.

Master's Research Projects

1. Any animal created or changed by his experiments can be controlled through the use of Budweiser beer.
2. Any of Master's research proposals were inspired by a Jerry Springer episode.
3. Anything in the lab was purchased from Ronco.
4. Anything lab equipment was picked up from the curb in front of someone else's lab.
5. At least one device, the very existence of which bespeaks godlike hubris in the manipulation of unhallowed and life-threatening forces, which should earn the maker the approbation of all mankind, did they but know what he was tampering with, sits out back of the castle, among weeds, with a rusty chain around the door so kids won't play in it.
6. Experiments in glass jars are all labeled "Critters".
7. Igor adjusts the knobs on the teleportation device with pliers.
8. Igor has to play Master's Theme Music before he enters the ring (I mean, the Laboratory).
9. Igor has used the lab to bring his coonskin cap back to life.
10. Master began designing his doomsday device the day he learned that hot sauce can cause nerve damage.
11. Master has ever said that ethanol makes the Monster 'run better.'
12. Master has ever shouted 'Ethel! Don't Look!' before opening a body bag.
13. ...especially if the sexy lab assistant is not named Ethel.
14. Master has invented a 12-gauge can opener.
15. Master has invented a key ring that automatically clears ear wax from the keys.
16. Master has made a bug zapper powered by the lightning collector and has ever spent the evening watching vampires hit it and burst into flames.
17. Master has organized a tail-gate party before the attempt to animate the Monster.
18. Master has sold a failed experiment to a circus side show, then the next day sent you to retrieve his nephew who was just in the wrong cage at the wrong time.
19. Master has worked to discover a cure for a shallow gene pool.
20. Master has, at any time, worked at a sub molecular level using a Leatherman tool.
21. Master Junior's last choice for show-and-tell came from the lab and led to phone calls from ASPCA, CDC, and BATF, and Fox called about a reality show based on the event.
22. Master tinkers with A-bombs because H-bombs are farther into the alphabet than he's ever managed.
23. Master's efforts to clone local wildlife into a supercreature (or supercritter) are hampered by the fact that they all have longer legs on their downhill side.
24. Master's Jekyll/Hyde-like formula merely alternates his tastes between Country and Western. Don't feel bad if you never noticed.
25. Master's last submission to peer review in the field of Astronomy has been classified as hate literature.
26. Master's biosphere project fell apart when it, well, fell apart.
27. Master's plan for an experiment reminds you of a Three Stooges movie, especially if he warns you not to repeat Curly's mistakes.
28. One clone booth is configured to act as a still.
29. Projects are graphed by the estimated number of Skoal cans it will take to complete.
30. The animation table doubles as a barbeque.
31. The autoclave has been used to make gumbo.
32. The clone booths are John Deere green and yellow.
33. The colorful fluids bubbling in the beakers are destined for the rattlesnake chili.
34. The dimension-traveling elevator has a roll bar. And tail fins. And a racing stripe.
35. The Doppelganger Machine has ever been repossessed.
36. The face shield Master uses to mix chemicals has tobacco stains on the inside.
37. The flesh-eating bacteria have a taste for catfish.
38. The HAZMAT containment kit is a burlap sack with Howard Johnson towels in it.
39. The lightning collector has a 'Cajun' setting.
40. The lightning collector was built or repaired with coat hangers.
41. The Tesla coil has a gun rack.
42. The time machine has a trailer hitch.
43. There are ball caps perched on the bottles of the disembodied brains on Level Seven.
44. There are more than three experiments in progress connected to Kudzu.
45. There's no great distinction made between medical waste and bait.
46. Tools purchased from WalMart are referred to as 'the good stuff.'
47. When Master mutters: 'Dear God, what have I created?' it's not a crisis of conscience. It's the morning after.
48. When Master says 'that's something man was never meant to know,' it's because Master failed that subject at Ol' Miss.
49. You've ever taken something fished out of the time stream to the pawn shop to fund an experiment.
50. Your beakers are really rusty beer cans.
51. You've had to fashion a sweater for the man-eating plant because there's a wind chill factor in the greenhouse.

Igor

1. "Dueling Banjos" makes him run screaming from the room.
2. He also answers to Billy-Bob or Jesse.
3. His back hump is an upside down beer gut.
4. He carries the 800 number for the American Trucking Institute, and considers that his 'backup career.'
5. He doesn't watch Hollywood Squares because he forgets the rules for tic-tac-toe.
6. He has used explosives for fishing.
7. He has a comb-over mullet.
8. He has a t-shirt that says: "If you see me running from a burning castle, try to keep up."
9. He has calculated the value of the cook's chili's contribution to the eventual heat death of the universe.
10. He has suppressed memories of being abducted by aliens.
11. He has used the time machine to artificially age moonshine ... but only by a week.
12. He knows what a bootlegger reverse is.
13. Double credit: The cemetery caretakers now know what a bootlegger reverse is.
14. He refers to his radiation suit as his long-johns.
15. He thinks that having devices 'up to code' means that you can bang on them in Morse. This is why none of the conduits in the dungeon are 'up to code.'
16. To get Igor to do anything in the lab, the order must start with 'Dare Ya to...'
17. Master has ever warned you not to accept when Igor says: 'Double Dare Ya…'
18. When he says 'Amen' there are more than three syllables in the word.

The Monster

1. His boots are labeled: Left foot and Stomp Foot.
2. Double credit if the left boot is the one labeled 'Stomp Foot.' Which explains the casualty count the night the Monster went line dancing.
3. His first words were to quote Paul Harvey.
4. Fuzzy dice on the neck bolts.
5. He has a belt buckle that says: Built For Lovin.'
6. He has ever been repaired by the use of a siphon hose.
7. He has ever played 'Wrestlemania!' in the corridors.
8. Someone has taught the Monster the sign-language to say 'pull my finger.'
9. The ominous background music that plays when the Monster escapes is 'Devil went down to Georgia.'
10. The way to get the Monster to come back is to play Dolly Parton music on the outside speakers.
11. He turns out to have a cow's tongue (which means that what the cook served on the night you assembled the Monster's head was... eugh!).
12. When discussing a name, the fact that it was made with both girl and boy body parts led you to suggest gender neutral names, like Bubba, Bobby Joe or Junior.
13. You only had to exhume three bodies to get all the limbs, but dug up twenty graves before you had enough teeth.

The Sexy Lab Assistant

1. She can burp the periodic table.
2. She files everything under K or D: Know what it is; Don't know what it is.
3. She has a NASCAR tattoo.
4. She has a t-shirt that says "If you take me hostage, you're kidnapping Smith and Wesson, too."
5. She has walked across the valley to the truck stop to use the showers because of cleanliness, privacy or quality of the soap.
6. Her hiring involved a wet t-shirt contest.
7. Her job application includes the applicant's percentage resemblance to Faith Hill.
8. Her uniforms include cut-offs, cowboy boots and/or tube tops.

The Robot

1. It has the Stars and Bars embossed on his chest plate.
2. It holds villagers over the dam until they buy Amway merchandise.
3. You've had to console the robot when his favorite wrestler lost a match.
4. You've had to rebuild the Robot because of what happened to it after it shouted, 'Y'all watch this!'
5. Double credit if the Robot is actually programmed to use 'Y'all.'
6. Triple credit if it was not programmed that way, but picked it up after its initial bootstrapping.

The Living-Brain-in-a-Jar

1. It has a sticker that says: "My son and my cadaver go to University of Alabama."
2. It has called a psychic hotline.
3. Its tattoo is misspelled.

The Artificial Intelligence

1. It does not explode when given logical paradoxes to solve. It does crackle a bit, though, when Democratic press conferences are aired.
2. It has been involved in a paternity suit and now pays child support for a PDA named Junior.
3. It sings 'Georgia On My Mind' when power is pulled.

The Clones

1. Decanted clones already have a tattoo.
2. Double irony if the tattoo refers to 'mom.'
3. They have joined Amway, because they calculate that pyramid schemes will work as long as you occupy all the levels.

The Invisible Man

1. He has a t-shirt that says "If you can see this, you're using thermal imaging. And ain't you a smart one."
2. You can still see his tattoos.

Master's Castle

1. A lake monster is mounted over the fireplace.
2. Any of the artwork in the castle is painted on black velvet.
3. Eschewing the classic skull-shaped castle, Master has had plans drawn up for a citadel that resembles a keg.
4. It has a porch.
5. It has Christmas lights on the battlements in July. Especially if they're turned on.
6. The 80-room, six-story, four-towered, dressed-stone, gas-lit, coal-furnaced castle has a chain-link fence surrounding the grounds.
7. Double credit if the fence is chicken wire.
8. The beer can pyramid is just a scale model of the chemical barrel pyramid out back.
9. The bell in the tower has been replaced. Pull the rope and the whole valley hears 'Dixie' on loudspeakers.
10. The den furniture is made of road signs nailed to the spools that held the lightning collector's cables.
11. The disembodied voice that used to say 'get out!' now says 'get 'er done!'
12. The eyes in the portraits do not follow you around the castle, but you do hear something spit chaw into the spittoon as you pass.
13. The gate has a doggy door big enough for dire wolves.
14. The moat is more of a swamp.
15. There's no drawbridge, just put 'er in four wheel drive and watch for gators.
16. The North Tower doubles as a smoker.
17. The sign on the stairs: You've seen our dungeon, now go home.
18. The stained glass window in the chapel shows dogs playing poker.
19. There's a UFO rusting on the lawn, next to an 18th century sedan chair and a two-man submarine on blocks.
20. The vehicle is a hearse with tires four feet across.
21. There are naked-corpse cutouts on the mud flaps of the hearse.

The Castle's Denizens in General

1. A hound dog is higher than you on the organization chart.
2. For that matter, the fact that a hound dog is ON the org chart...
3. After the Monster has been on a rampage, Master sends Igor out to repair broken buildings with duct tape.
4. Anyone in the castle has been on "Cops."
5. Double credit if their face wasn't digitally masked.
6. At least one animal in the castle is named after a scientist and a Civil War general. ("Here, Stonewall Curie!" "Beauregard Einstein, get off the sofa!")
7. Duct tape across the floor divides the castle into the Monster's side and the living-brain-in-a-jar's side.
8. Igor or the Monster have used the gas chromatography equipment to analyze their farts.
9. Igor usually wins the spitting contests because his brand of tobacco has a higher specific gravity than anyone else's.
10. It just isn't Christmas Eve until the drunken attempt to shoot Santa's sleigh with the Laser.
11. Master and Igor both were amazed when you used the photocopier to copy paper...no body parts involved.
12. Master and the living-brain-in-a-jar have ever taken a personal problem onto daytime television.
13. Master's brilliant but fickle offspring don't fight over being the intellectual heir to the Master's genius, but over who gets the 4x4 hearse when he dies.
14. Neighbors who don't call in noise complaints for the explosions, screeches, maniacal laughter or lightning blasts, call when Igor guns the hearse's engine.
15. The Artificial Intelligence can beat Master at Chess, but loses to Igor at mud wrestling.
16. The castle ghost claims he isn't dead, but merely sleepin' off the hangover from the 1840s.
17. The cook has a recipe for 'hush werewolfies.'
18. The hot water heater rusted through and no one noticed for a month.
19. The lab coats are actually bib overalls.
20. The Vampire's crypt has a bumper sticker that says: "My human servant beat up your human servant."
21. There are no kidnapped scientists slaving away in the lab; but Emeril Lagasse is chained to the stove...
22. When Master taught Igor to play chess, the knight's move was described as 'up one and over yonder.'
23. When you, Master and Igor are moving body parts on three carts, anyone has said 'We got ourselves a convoy.'
24. You've ever argued with Igor over whether it's flea powder then tick powder or the other way around.
25. You've ever had to get the skunk smell off of the werewolf after a camping trip.
26. You've ever mistaken the mutants for Master's relatives.
27. ...or the relatives have ever welcomed the mutants to the reunion.

Evil Genius Projects

1. Anyone has ever figured out the code for the Inner Sanctum by noting the touchpad keys with ketchup on them.
2. Igor never argues about "Do we have the right to do this?" merely questions, "Do we have the firepower on hand to stop it when it all goes to hell?"
3. Master had the sexy lab assistant beef up his 'my evil plan' speech because heroes kept laughing at 'I'm a-gonna ______ the whole entire world!'
4. Master likes MacGuyver's ingenuity, but doesn't understand his no-guns stance.
5. Master never accepts a challenge from the strong-chinned Hero...unless it's a tractor pull.
6. Master's automated weapons system has settings for Federal, State and Yankee.
7. The clean-cut Hero has been corrupted by Igor by teaching him how to tip cows.
8. The written plan for World Domination kinda peters out after the scheduled fall of Branson, MO. A few notes about Atlanta, immigrants and Moon Pies are penciled in on the last page.

---

From Brian: I also have a list for Mage Knight Figure rednecks but that might be a bit too off-mainstream for some lists.