June 23, 2008
The author of this list is Brian Lallatin. I cannot be blamed for anything
except posting it on my site. 8-)
From Brian: The lists, redneck MadSci and Mageknight are both original to
me. I'm originally from Idaho, now living in Massachusetts, but most of my
military career was spent in Virginia, South Carolina or Georgia.
Concerning the Master
- After he finishes his Christmas shopping, he gets a thank-you note
from Jack Daniels.
- His body odor has been useful in containing an outbreak of zombies.
- He can't tell you who the enemy was during the War of 1812 without
muttering the lyrics of The Battle of New Orleans under his breath. "We fired
our guns but the British kept...OH! The British!"
- He commonly uses the phrase 'from hell' as a qualifier. For example:
"Man, that's the Tesla Coil from Hell, innit?"
- He confused his wife's part-time job as a travel agent with a job as
a time-travel agent and tried to arrange a trip to the Flintstones.
- He does not 'laugh in the face of Death' as much as he gets drunk
with Death and ends up playing chicken before the night's over.
- He fears the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms more than the
Justice Department or angry villagers.
- He goes to his family reunion to recruit sexy lab assistants.
- He has a feud going with the evil genius over t' next valley.
- He has a t-shirt that says "If I wanted your opinion, I'd offer you
- He has ever dialed 911 because of a childproof cap.
- He has ever lectured to you about the nutritional benefits of
- He has ever picked himself up from where the explosion dumped him
and shouted: Yeeehaw!
- He has ever stood at the gate and asked the approaching villagers if
they 'want a piece of me?!'
- He has every played mumblty-peg with a scalpel.
- He has referred to the village constable as 'Smokey.'
- He has sent the Monster to spray-paint science formulas on the
overpass outside the village.
- He has sent you to size the Monster for a bowling shirt.
- He has shouted 'Ride It, Hoss!' when Igor touched a power supply that
was still plugged in.
- He has spent an hour explaining that the root word of 'vegetarian' is
Latin for 'Lousy Hunter.' With references.
- He idea of a 'software problem' is whipping Igor in a sensitive
- He idea of compressing files on the hard drive involves a
- If the castle is a smoking ruin, the Monster is dead, Igor has run
off, and the Master is about to be hung from the village gates, he blames it
all on Jane Fonda.
- The Inner Sanctum has a magazine rack and two-ply 'meditation paper.'
- Instead of splitting the item in half, Master's last property
settlement involved a wood chipper and a mesh net.
- He introduces people not by name, but by the college they attended
("This is my Clemson friend…").
- Double credit if he refers to the college by the football team ("And
our Gator lab assistant, here…").
- His lab coat is in a camouflage pattern.
- He leases a hunting lodge on The Island of Dr. Moreau.
- On one of those long nights working in the lab, has ever spent
more than ten minutes comparing Elvis to Jesus.
- He once saved everyone from the mob of angry villagers with crowd
control rodeo clowns.
- He punctuates shouts of 'It's alive!' by firing a shotgun into the
- His ringtone is a Jeff Foxworthy one-liner.
- Televangelist broadcasts play in the lab while he's working.
- He thinks an HTML Link is part of a chain made of High Tensile
Martensite Laminated steel.
- He uses digital timing, because he hates having to 'perform the
calculations' to read the hands on the face of a clock.
- A visitor said there were too many mounted squirrels in the trophy
room and Master harvested their organs out of spite.
- He was disappointed to discover the actual events that take place at
a Monster Truck Rally, so he organized one of his own, involving monsters AND
- He wears mirrored sunglasses for all time-travel experiments.
- When presenting his findings to his ivy-league brain-dead jealous
dogmatic paranoid peers, he opens with that joke about the Liberal and the
- He would rather be a guest on Jerry Springer than printed in
Master's Research Projects
- Any animal created or changed by his experiments can be controlled
through the use of Budweiser beer.
- Any of Master's research proposals were inspired by a Jerry Springer
- Anything in the lab was purchased from Ronco.
- Anything lab equipment was picked up from the curb in front of
someone else's lab.
- At least one device, the very existence of which bespeaks godlike
hubris in the manipulation of unhallowed and life-threatening forces, which
should earn the maker the approbation of all mankind, did they but know what he
was tampering with, sits out back of the castle, among weeds, with a rusty
chain around the door so kids won't play in it.
- Experiments in glass jars are all labeled "Critters".
- Igor adjusts the knobs on the teleportation device with
- Igor has to play Master's Theme Music before he enters the ring (I
mean, the Laboratory).
- Igor has used the lab to bring his coonskin cap back to life.
- Master began designing his doomsday device the day he learned that
hot sauce can cause nerve damage.
- Master has ever said that ethanol makes the Monster 'run
- Master has ever shouted 'Ethel! Don't Look!' before opening a body
- ...especially if the sexy lab assistant is not named Ethel.
- Master has invented a 12-gauge can opener.
- Master has invented a key ring that automatically clears ear wax from
- Master has made a bug zapper powered by the lightning collector and
has ever spent the evening watching vampires hit it and burst into
- Master has organized a tail-gate party before the attempt to animate
- Master has sold a failed experiment to a circus side show, then the
next day sent you to retrieve his nephew who was just in the wrong cage at the
- Master has worked to discover a cure for a shallow gene pool.
- Master has, at any time, worked at a sub molecular level using a
- Master Junior's last choice for show-and-tell came from the lab and
led to phone calls from ASPCA, CDC, and BATF, and Fox called about a reality
show based on the event.
- Master tinkers with A-bombs because H-bombs are farther into the
alphabet than he's ever managed.
- Master's efforts to clone local wildlife into a supercreature (or
supercritter) are hampered by the fact that they all have longer legs on their
- Master's Jekyll/Hyde-like formula merely alternates his tastes
between Country and Western. Don't feel bad if you never noticed.
- Master's last submission to peer review in the field of Astronomy has
been classified as hate literature.
- Master's biosphere project fell apart when it, well, fell
- Master's plan for an experiment reminds you of a Three Stooges
movie, especially if he warns you not to repeat Curly's mistakes.
- One clone booth is configured to act as a still.
- Projects are graphed by the estimated number of Skoal cans it will
take to complete.
- The animation table doubles as a barbeque.
- The autoclave has been used to make gumbo.
- The clone booths are John Deere green and yellow.
- The colorful fluids bubbling in the beakers are destined for the
- The dimension-traveling elevator has a roll bar. And tail fins.
And a racing stripe.
- The Doppelganger Machine has ever been repossessed.
- The face shield Master uses to mix chemicals has tobacco stains on
- The flesh-eating bacteria have a taste for catfish.
- The HAZMAT containment kit is a burlap sack with Howard Johnson
towels in it.
- The lightning collector has a 'Cajun' setting.
- The lightning collector was built or repaired with coat
- The Tesla coil has a gun rack.
- The time machine has a trailer hitch.
- There are ball caps perched on the bottles of the disembodied brains
on Level Seven.
- There are more than three experiments in progress connected to
- There's no great distinction made between medical waste and
- Tools purchased from WalMart are referred to as 'the good
- When Master mutters: 'Dear God, what have I created?' it's not a
crisis of conscience. It's the morning after.
- When Master says 'that's something man was never meant to know,' it's
because Master failed that subject at Ol' Miss.
- You've ever taken something fished out of the time stream to the pawn
shop to fund an experiment.
- Your beakers are really rusty beer cans.
- You've had to fashion a sweater for the man-eating plant because
there's a wind chill factor in the greenhouse.
- "Dueling Banjos" makes him run screaming from the room.
- He also answers to Billy-Bob or Jesse.
- His back hump is an upside down beer gut.
- He carries the 800 number for the American Trucking Institute, and
considers that his 'backup career.'
- He doesn't watch Hollywood Squares because he forgets the rules for
- He has used explosives for fishing.
- He has a comb-over mullet.
- He has a t-shirt that says: "If you see me running from a burning
castle, try to keep up."
- He has calculated the value of the cook's chili's contribution to the
eventual heat death of the universe.
- He has suppressed memories of being abducted by aliens.
- He has used the time machine to artificially age moonshine ... but
only by a week.
- He knows what a bootlegger reverse is.
- Double credit: The cemetery caretakers now know what a bootlegger
- He refers to his radiation suit as his long-johns.
- He thinks that having devices 'up to code' means that you can bang on
them in Morse. This is why none of the conduits in the dungeon are 'up to
- To get Igor to do anything in the lab, the order must start with
'Dare Ya to...'
- Master has ever warned you not to accept when Igor says: 'Double Dare
- When he says 'Amen' there are more than three syllables in the
- His boots are labeled: Left foot and Stomp Foot.
- Double credit if the left boot is the one labeled 'Stomp Foot.' Which
explains the casualty count the night the Monster went line dancing.
- His first words were to quote Paul Harvey.
- Fuzzy dice on the neck bolts.
- He has a belt buckle that says: Built For Lovin.'
- He has ever been repaired by the use of a siphon hose.
- He has ever played 'Wrestlemania!' in the corridors.
- Someone has taught the Monster the sign-language to say 'pull my
- The ominous background music that plays when the Monster escapes is
'Devil went down to Georgia.'
- The way to get the Monster to come back is to play Dolly Parton music
on the outside speakers.
- He turns out to have a cow's tongue (which means that what the cook
served on the night you assembled the Monster's head was... eugh!).
- When discussing a name, the fact that it was made with both girl and
boy body parts led you to suggest gender neutral names, like Bubba, Bobby Joe
- You only had to exhume three bodies to get all the limbs, but dug up
twenty graves before you had enough teeth.
The Sexy Lab Assistant
- She can burp the periodic table.
- She files everything under K or D: Know what it is; Don't know what
- She has a NASCAR tattoo.
- She has a t-shirt that says "If you take me hostage, you're
kidnapping Smith and Wesson, too."
- She has walked across the valley to the truck stop to use the showers
because of cleanliness, privacy or quality of the soap.
- Her hiring involved a wet t-shirt contest.
- Her job application includes the applicant's percentage resemblance
to Faith Hill.
- Her uniforms include cut-offs, cowboy boots and/or tube tops.
- It has the Stars and Bars embossed on his chest plate.
- It holds villagers over the dam until they buy Amway merchandise.
- You've had to console the robot when his favorite wrestler lost a
- You've had to rebuild the Robot because of what happened to it after
it shouted, 'Y'all watch this!'
- Double credit if the Robot is actually programmed to use 'Y'all.'
- Triple credit if it was not programmed that way, but picked it up
after its initial bootstrapping.
- It has a sticker that says: "My son and my cadaver go to University
- It has called a psychic hotline.
- Its tattoo is misspelled.
The Artificial Intelligence
- It does not explode when given logical paradoxes to solve. It does
crackle a bit, though, when Democratic press conferences are aired.
- It has been involved in a paternity suit and now pays child support
for a PDA named Junior.
- It sings 'Georgia On My Mind' when power is pulled.
- Decanted clones already have a tattoo.
- Double irony if the tattoo refers to 'mom.'
- They have joined Amway, because they calculate that pyramid schemes
will work as long as you occupy all the levels.
The Invisible Man
- He has a t-shirt that says "If you can see this, you're using thermal
imaging. And ain't you a smart one."
- You can still see his tattoos.
- A lake monster is mounted over the fireplace.
- Any of the artwork in the castle is painted on black velvet.
- Eschewing the classic skull-shaped castle, Master has had plans drawn
up for a citadel that resembles a keg.
- It has a porch.
- It has Christmas lights on the battlements in July. Especially if
they're turned on.
- The 80-room, six-story, four-towered, dressed-stone, gas-lit,
coal-furnaced castle has a chain-link fence surrounding the grounds.
- Double credit if the fence is chicken wire.
- The beer can pyramid is just a scale model of the chemical barrel
pyramid out back.
- The bell in the tower has been replaced. Pull the rope and the whole
valley hears 'Dixie' on loudspeakers.
- The den furniture is made of road signs nailed to the spools that
held the lightning collector's cables.
- The disembodied voice that used to say 'get out!' now says 'get 'er
- The eyes in the portraits do not follow you around the castle, but
you do hear something spit chaw into the spittoon as you pass.
- The gate has a doggy door big enough for dire wolves.
- The moat is more of a swamp.
- There's no drawbridge, just put 'er in four wheel drive and watch for
- The North Tower doubles as a smoker.
- The sign on the stairs: You've seen our dungeon, now go home.
- The stained glass window in the chapel shows dogs playing poker.
- There's a UFO rusting on the lawn, next to an 18th century sedan
chair and a two-man submarine on blocks.
- The vehicle is a hearse with tires four feet across.
- There are naked-corpse cutouts on the mud flaps of the hearse.
The Castle's Denizens in General
- A hound dog is higher than you on the organization chart.
- For that matter, the fact that a hound dog is ON the org chart...
- After the Monster has been on a rampage, Master sends Igor out to
repair broken buildings with duct tape.
- Anyone in the castle has been on "Cops."
- Double credit if their face wasn't digitally masked.
- At least one animal in the castle is named after a scientist and a
Civil War general. ("Here, Stonewall Curie!" "Beauregard Einstein, get off the
- Duct tape across the floor divides the castle into the Monster's side
and the living-brain-in-a-jar's side.
- Igor or the Monster have used the gas chromatography equipment to
analyze their farts.
- Igor usually wins the spitting contests because his brand of tobacco
has a higher specific gravity than anyone else's.
- It just isn't Christmas Eve until the drunken attempt to shoot
Santa's sleigh with the Laser.
- Master and Igor both were amazed when you used the photocopier to
copy paper...no body parts involved.
- Master and the living-brain-in-a-jar have ever taken a personal
problem onto daytime television.
- Master's brilliant but fickle offspring don't fight over being the
intellectual heir to the Master's genius, but over who gets the 4x4 hearse when
- Neighbors who don't call in noise complaints for the explosions,
screeches, maniacal laughter or lightning blasts, call when Igor guns the
- The Artificial Intelligence can beat Master at Chess, but loses to
Igor at mud wrestling.
- The castle ghost claims he isn't dead, but merely sleepin' off the
hangover from the 1840s.
- The cook has a recipe for 'hush werewolfies.'
- The hot water heater rusted through and no one noticed for a month.
- The lab coats are actually bib overalls.
- The Vampire's crypt has a bumper sticker that says: "My human servant
beat up your human servant."
- There are no kidnapped scientists slaving away in the lab; but Emeril
Lagasse is chained to the stove...
- When Master taught Igor to play chess, the knight's move was
described as 'up one and over yonder.'
- When you, Master and Igor are moving body parts on three carts,
anyone has said 'We got ourselves a convoy.'
- You've ever argued with Igor over whether it's flea powder then tick
powder or the other way around.
- You've ever had to get the skunk smell off of the werewolf after a
- You've ever mistaken the mutants for Master's relatives.
- ...or the relatives have ever welcomed the mutants to the reunion.
Evil Genius Projects
- Anyone has ever figured out the code for the Inner Sanctum by noting
the touchpad keys with ketchup on them.
- Igor never argues about "Do we have the right to do this?" merely
questions, "Do we have the firepower on hand to stop it when it all goes to
- Master had the sexy lab assistant beef up his 'my evil plan' speech
because heroes kept laughing at 'I'm a-gonna ______ the whole entire
- Master likes MacGuyver's ingenuity, but doesn't understand his
- Master never accepts a challenge from the strong-chinned
Hero...unless it's a tractor pull.
- Master's automated weapons system has settings for Federal, State and Yankee.
- The clean-cut Hero has been corrupted by Igor by teaching him how to tip cows.
- The written plan for World Domination kinda peters out after the
scheduled fall of Branson, MO. A few notes about Atlanta, immigrants and Moon
Pies are penciled in on the last page.
From Brian: I also have a list for
Figure rednecks but that might be a bit too off-mainstream for some