Dumb News Bites

Date Received: Mon, 28 Jun 1999

British News Bits

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.

From The Times:
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

From The Gloucester Citizen:
A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."