Human Stupidity

Date Received: Wed, 21 Jul 1999

Sorry for so many jokes in one day but this one, from Alan, really got me.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter..
Amy Richardson
Stafford, Virginia

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again...
Tim Cahill
Poughkeepsie, New York

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got of the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SU- PERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???"

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".

Date Received: Fri, 13 Jun 2003 In High School, I was in Army JROTC, or Junior Reserve Officers Training Corps. Every year, we had a Military Ball, an affair similar to a Prom or Homecoming dance. My senior year, I went all out. I rented a stretch Limo for my date and I, and planned on a little action later that night. Preparing for this, I put a condom and a mint in the breast pocket of my uniform. When I got to the dance, someone realized that no one had brought a spatula or a knife for the cake. Captain Avery, a retired Airborne Ranger, was my teacher, and he asked me to run across the street and buy the items, and he gave me the money. I did it, and put the change in my breast pocket. When I returned to the dance hall, I gave him the money, not thinking about what else was in the pocket. The mint was on the top of the stack of bills I gave him, and I took it, and began walking away. As I was walking away, I put the mint back into my pocket, but didn't feel the condom. Captain Avery called my name as I was walking away, but I just kept walking, red-faced. The following Monday, in class, be casually walked over to my desk and quietly told me to hold out my hand. He then deposited the condom into my palm. Talk about embarrassing.

Embarrassing moments