Bumper Stickers

Date Received: 15 Dec 1997 (and later messages)

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This file is a collection of tag lines and bumper stickers that I have received over the years. Enjoy!

1. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
2. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
3. "No, mister Budweiser, I haven't had any officers tonight."
4. "Sir, I seem to be stuck." (Data) "Well, get unstuck." (Picard)
5. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
6. (001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
7. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
8. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
9. (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
10. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
11. 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
12. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
13. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
14. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
15. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
16. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
17. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
18. A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
19. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
20. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
21. A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it.
22. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. A day without sunshine is like ... night.
25. A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
26. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
27. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. And state lotteries are a tax on the mathmatically challenged.
28. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
29. A fool and his money are soon partying.
30. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
31. A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
32. A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. A pessimist is never disappointed.
35. A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
36. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
37. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Adults are just kids who owe money.
40. Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
41. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
42. All generalizations are false, including this one.
43. All life's answers are on TV - Bart Simpson
44. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
45. ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS - I married with their King.
46. All work and no play will make you a manager.
47. Allow me to introduce my selves.
48. Alone: In bad company.
49. Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
50. Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
51. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
52. Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
53. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
54. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
55. And just how may I screw you over today?
56. And which dwarf are you?
57. And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
58. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
59. Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a man to face cancer.
60. Anything free is worth what you pay for it
61. Are the noises in my head bothering you?
62. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
63. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
64. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
65. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
66. ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
67. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
68. Assassins do it from behind.
69. At least Jennifer got kissed
70. Atheism is a nonprophet organization!
71. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
72. Auntie Em; Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog--- Dorothy
73. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
74. Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
75. Bad cop, no donut
76. Bad girls wanted
77. Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
78. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
79. Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
80. Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
81. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.....
82. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
83. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
84. Better living through denial.
85. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
86. Beware of dragons, for we are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
87. Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
88. Bill Clinton is going to be Hillary's Cigarette Bitch In Prison.
89. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
90. Black holes really suck.
91. Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
92. Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they will see God twice.
93. Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
94. Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
95. Blondes may tease, but redheads please.
96. Boldly going nowhere
97. Born again pagan.
98. Born an ass hole (The rest grew later)
99. Born free... taxed to death.
100. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
101. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
102. Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
103. Brain dysfunction detected....
104. Brain over - Insert coin
105. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
106. Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
107. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
108. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
109. Bugs come in through open Windows.
110. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
111. Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
112. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
113. Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
114. Cats... the other white meat.
115. CAUTION: Driver legally blonde
116. CAUTION: I drive like you do.
117. CAUTION: Vehicle sometimes moves sideways.
118. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
119. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
120. Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4.
121. Chastity is curable, if detected early.
122. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
123. Chess players mate better.
124. Cigar Smokers Appreciate A Great Butt
125. Clones are people two.
126. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
127. COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
128. COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
129. Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
130. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
131. Computers can never replace human stupidity.
132. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
133. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
134. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
135. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
136. Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
137. Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
138. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
139. Dear God... Protect me from your followers.
140. Death to all fanatics!
141. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
142. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
143. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
144. Did anyone see my lost carrier?
145. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
146. Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
147. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' -- untll you can find a rock.
148. Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way.
149. Do I look like a freaking people person?
150. Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
151. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
152. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
153. Do you think you could drive better if you stuck that phone UP YOUR ASS?
154. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
155. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
156. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
157. Dog and wife missing. Reward for Dog.
158. Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
159. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
160. Don't blame me I didn't vote for Hillary
161. Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
162. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
163. Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
164. Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
165. Don't drive faster than your angel can fly
166. Don't follow me or you'll end up at my place...
167. Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
168. Don't laugh - it could be your daughter in here.
169. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
170. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
171. DON'T STEAL! - The government hates competition
172. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
173. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
174. Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
175. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
176. Double your drive space - delete Windows!
177. Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
178. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
179. Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss' ass.
180. Dyslexics have more fnu.
181. Dyslexics of the World: 'Untie!'
182. E PLURBUS MODEM
183. E Pluribus Modem
184. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
185. EARTH FIRST! - Then we log the other planets!
186. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
187. Earth is full. Go home.
188. Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
189. Eat Lamb. 50,000 Coyotes can't be wrong.
190. Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
191. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
192. Eat shit! A million trillion flies can't be wrong.
193. Editing is a rewording activity.
194. Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
195. Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
196. Enter any 11 - digit prime number to continue.
197. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
198. Entropy isn't what it used to be.
199. ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
200. Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
201. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
202. Eschew obfuscation.
203. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
204. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
205. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
206. Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
207. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
208. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film!
209. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
210. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
211. Everything I need to know about women I learned from my cat
212. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
213. F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
214. Facts are stubborn things.
215. FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue....
216. Feel lucky? Update your software!
217. Few women admit their age... fewer men act it.
218. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
219. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
220. For a small town... this one sure has a lot of assholes.
221. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
222. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
223. Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
224. Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons
225. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
226. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
227. Friends don't let friends drive naked.
228. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
229. From a chicken in every pot to a chicken smokin' pot
230. Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
231. Get In, Sit Down, Shut Up & Hang On
232. Get Off My Ass, Or I Will Flick A Booger On Your Windshield
233. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
234. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
235. Give Pizza Chants
236. God created men and rested. God created women and no-ones rested since!
237. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
238. God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy.
239. God must love stupid people, he made so many.
240. God, Guts, & Guns Made America Great.
241. Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
242. Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
243. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
244. Grow your own dope, plant a man.
245. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!!
246. Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
247. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
248. GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
249. H lp! S m b dy st ll th v wl s fr m my k yb rd!
250. Half of the people in the world are below average.
251. Half the people you know are below average.
252. Hang up and drive.
253. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
254. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
255. Harder than your husband!!
256. hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
257. Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool.
258. He who hesitates is probably right.
259. He who laughs last has the best lawyer
260. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
261. He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
262. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
263. Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
264. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
265. Help nature, don't breathe.
266. Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
267. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
268. Help! My Reality Check Bounced!
269. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
270. Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw...
271. Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
272. Hold the Liberals liable
273. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
274. Horn broken. Watch for finger.
275. House guarded by SHOTGUN 3 nights a week. You guess which 3.
276. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
277. How can my checking account be overdrawn? I still have checks!
278. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
279. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
280. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
281. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
282. I am built for comfort, not for speed!
283. I am logged in, therefore I am.
284. I am only horny on the days that end in y.
285. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be fixed with the right amount of C4!
286. I brake just for the hell of it!
287. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
288. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
289. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
290. I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
291. I did alot of drugs in the 50's now I do them at room temperature.
292. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
293. I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
294. I don't care, I don't have to.
295. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
296. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
297. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
298. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
299. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
300. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
301. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
302. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
303. I failed my urine-test.
304. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
305. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
306. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
307. I got some diving equipment for my wife... It was the best trade I ever made.
308. I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
309. I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
310. I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar.
311. I intend to live forever - so far, so good
312. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
313. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
314. I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
315. I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
316. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
317. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
318. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
319. I love animals... they're delicious.
320. I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
321. I love cats... dead ones
322. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
323. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
324. I love Jesus. It's his fan club that makes me nervous.
325. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
326. I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
327. I may be going slowly, but I am ahead of you!
328. I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
329. I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
330. I plead contemporary insanity.
331. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
332. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
333. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
334. I smile because I do not know what is going on.
335. I souport publik edekashun.
336. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
337. I still miss my Ex, but my aim is getting better!
338. I support the three basic food groups.. KEG - BOTTLE - CAN
339. I think, therefore I am DANGEROUS.
340. I think, therefore I am. I think.
341. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
342. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
343. I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
344. I tried to think but nothing happened! - Curly Howard
345. I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
346. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
347. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
348. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
349. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
350. I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line.
351. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
352. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
353. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
354. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
355. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
356. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
357. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
358. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
359. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
360. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
361. I'm going Nucking Futs!!
362. I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
363. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
364. I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
365. I'm not a tourist, I live here.
366. I'm not as think as you drunk I am
367. I'm not cheap, but I am on special
368. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
369. I'm not deaf, I just like to block your way.
370. I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
371. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
372. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
373. I'm the guy your parents warned you about
374. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
375. I've got plenty of lead in my pencil... but none in my tank.
376. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
377. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
378. If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
379. If a thing goes without saying, LET IT.....
380. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
381. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
382. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
383. If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta testing.
384. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
385. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
386. If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question!
387. If Hillary were President, Airforce One would be a Broomstick.
388. If I can't fish in heaven....I'm not going
389. If I go any faster I'll burn out my Hamsters
390. If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
391. If I save time, when do I get it back ?
392. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
393. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
394. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
395. If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
396. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
397. If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
398. If it's got tits or wheels it's trouble.
399. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
400. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
401. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
402. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
403. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
404. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
405. If this van is rockin' don't bother knockin'
406. If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
407. If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. (Dan Quayle)
408. If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
409. If you can read this, back off!
410. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
411. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer!
412. If you don't have time to do it right, what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?
413. If you don't like the news, go out and make some
414. If you don't like the way I drive, Get off the sidewalk!
415. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
416. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
417. If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
418. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
419. If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
420. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
421. If you voted for change, better start counting it
422. If you voted for Clinton YOU must have inhaled
423. If you want to hang your ass out of the window, please make sure it's clean first.
424. If you're going to ride my ass, you might as well pull my hair.
425. If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
426. IF, a two-letter word for FUTILITY.
427. Illiterate? Write for help today!
428. Im not as think as you drunk i am.
429. Impeach Hillary
430. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
431. In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
432. In Love With Your Wife!
433. In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed
434. Individualists - Unite!
435. Inhale to the chief
436. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
437. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
438. Is it time for your medication or mine?
439. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
440. It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
441. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
442. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
443. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
444. It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
445. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
446. It's all fun and games, until someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*
447. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
448. It's better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
449. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
450. It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession!
451. It's not just winning the game---its drinking the beer
452. It's not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.
453. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
454. Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
455. JESUS IS COMING - and boy, is He pissed!
456. Jesus is coming! Quick, look busy!
457. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
458. Jesus loves, but he doesn't know you.
459. Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
460. Jesus paid for our sins... now let's get our money's worth.
461. Jesus Saves -- passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!
462. Jesus Saves! Moses Invests!
463. Jesus Saves. Get a broker too!
464. Join D.A.M.M. - Drunks Against MADD Mothers
465. Join F.A.R.T.s - Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
466. Join M.A.D. - Mothers Against Dyslexia
467. Just because I live in a house doesn't mean I'll clean it!
468. Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
469. Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp.
470. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
471. Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers.
472. Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand?
473. Justice: A decision in your favour.
474. Keep America free; support the trade embargo against Cuba.
475. Keep Honking... I'm reloading as fast as I can!
476. Keep our privates straight
477. Kill them all! Let God sort them out.
478. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" (Steven Wright)
479. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
480. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
481. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
482. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed
483. Lead me not into temptaion, I can find it myself
484. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
485. Learn the 3 R's: Reject the Religious Right
486. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
487. Life in a vacuum sucks.
488. Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
489. Life is too short for cheap cigars!
490. Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
491. Life's a buffet... so eat me!
492. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them talk.
493. Little Miss Nitpick
494. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
495. Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
496. Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
497. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
498. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
499. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
500. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
501. MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - see driver for details
502. Make the World a better place, kill yourself.
503. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
504. Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.
505. Master Baiters catch more fish
506. Me You Dinner Motel
507. Mean people rule!
508. Mean people suck. Nice people swallow.
509. Meandering to a different drummer.
510. Meat is yummy!
511. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
512. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
513. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
514. Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
515. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
516. Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
517. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
518. Montana -- At least the cows are sane!
519. My disgust with the current administration cannot be summarized here.
520. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
521. My Karma ran over my Dogma.
522. My kid beat up your honor student.
523. My kid had sex with your honor student.
524. My message above. Your response here ____________.
525. My other car is a piece of crap too!
526. My other car is also a Mercedes.
527. My reality check just bounced.
528. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
529. My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
530. Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
531. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
532. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with your fist!
533. Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn
534. Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind.
535. Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
536. Never try to teach a pig to sing, You waste your time and only annoy the pig.
537. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
538. Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
539. Next time wave all of your fingers.
540. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
541. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
542. No radio - Already stolen.
543. No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
544. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
545. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
546. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
547. Nuke The Gay Whales for Jesus!
548. Nurses call all the SHOTS
549. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
550. Old musicians don't die, they just decompose.
551. Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
552. On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
553. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
554. On the other hand....you have different fingers.
555. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
556. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
557. Orgasm Donor
558. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
559. P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tasty Animals
560. P.E.T.A. - People for the Ethical Termination of Antihunters
561. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
562. People say I have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk I fall down. No problem!
563. Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
564. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
565. Please God, Answer my prayers... Please Steal this car.
566. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
567. Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
568. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
569. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
570. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
571. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. If you have 3 friends who are OK, then you're it.
572. Puritanism: The haunting idea that someone, somewhere may be happy.
573. Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
574. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
575. Reagan -- the great communicator, Clinton -- the great fabricator
576. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
577. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
578. Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
579. Rehab is for Quitters.
580. REMEMBER: 155MPH Saves Lives!!!
581. Ronald Reagan is A Lesbian!
582. Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, And so am I.
583. RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
584. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
585. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
586. Save a mouse... Eat pussy!
587. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
588. Save the whales--- Harpoon a Fat Chick
589. Save the Whales. Collect the whole set!
590. Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
591. Security is a game but the final goal is never reached.
592. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
593. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
594. Sex is like a bridge game. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
595. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
596. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
597. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
598. Shotgun in rack is loaded.
599. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
600. Shut up, Get in and Hang On!
601. Shut up, Get out and Start Pushing!
602. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
603. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
604. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
605. Smith & Wesson - The original point and click interface.
606. Smoke dope, dodge the draft, Cheat on your wife, become President, It's the new American way.
607. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
608. So many idiots, so few comets.
609. So many lawyers, so few bullets.
610. So many pedestrians, so little time.
611. So many recipes, so few cats.
612. So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
613. Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
614. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
615. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me".
616. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
617. Someone found dynamite in the dictionary.
618. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
619. Sorry I got lost in thought. It was unfamilar territory.
620. Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
621. Southern DOS: Y'all Reckon? (Yep/Nope)
622. Speed on! Hell ain't half full...
623. Spotted owls taste just like chicken.
624. Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.
625. Stop illitrissy now!
626. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
627. Stop, in the name of all that doesn't suck! (Butt-Head)
628. Straight is something crooked that was bent. (Marten Toonder)
629. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
630. Stupid people shouldn't breed.
631. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
632. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
633. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
634. Suicide Hotline...please hold.
635. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
636. Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
637. Support mental health or I'll kill you.
638. Support your local Search & Rescue.... GET LOST
639. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
640. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
641. Tardis Express: When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Get There Before You Send It.
642. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
643. Tell me to " STUFF IT " - I'm a taxidermist
644. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
645. Thank you, Lord, for giving me this rewarding job with such charming co-workers.
646. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
647. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
648. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
649. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
650. The best man for the job is a woman.
651. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
652. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
653. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
654. The Ho Chi Minh Trail led to the White House
655. The Lord giveth and Clinton taketh away
656. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
657. The more I know about women, the more I like my truck.
658. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
659. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
660. The name is Baud... James Baud.
661. The older I get, the better I was
662. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
663. The only difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.
664. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
665. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
666. The proctologist called, they found your head.
667. The Religious Right is neither
668. The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
669. The secret of the universe is @*&eerm^^^ NO CARRIER
670. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
671. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
672. The shop called yesterday, your brain is ready
673. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
674. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
675. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
676. The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
677. The way to get things done is not to care who gets the honour.
678. The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
679. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
680. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
681. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
682. There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
683. There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
684. This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
685. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
686. This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.
687. This score just in: OS/2, Windows 95.
688. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
689. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
690. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
691. Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
692. To all you virgins... Thanks for nothing.
693. To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
694. To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
695. To Err is human, to forgive: $5.00
696. To err is human; To moo is bovine.
697. To hell with the Baptists, I'm going to DisneyWorld!
698. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
699. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
700. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
701. Tow-ERs will be violated
702. Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again!
703. Troopers are your yeast infection.
704. Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
705. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
706. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
707. Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass
708. VENI, VIDI, VISA - I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
709. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!
710. Virgin Conversion, Mobile Unit...
711. Virgin exterminator - Please enter.
712. Virus scanner: "Windows" found. Remove? (Y)
713. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
714. Wanted: A Meaningful one night relationship
715. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
716. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
717. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
718. Was today really necessary?
719. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
720. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
721. We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?
722. Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
723. Welcome to WYOMING. Frankly, we don't give a damn how you did it back home.
724. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
725. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
726. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
727. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
728. What Part of http://www.kissmyass.com Don't you understand?
729. What works, is. (Jamie McQuinn)
730. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
731. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
732. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
733. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
734. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
735. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
736. When you're not looking, this is written in Spanish
737. When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
738. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
739. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
740. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
741. Who is "they" anyway?
742. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
743. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
744. Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
745. Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
746. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
747. Wink, I'll do the rest!
748. Winning isn't everything; it's also important to humiliate your opponent
749. Witches are crafty people
750. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
751. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
752. Workaholics Anonymous---- THANK GOD IT'S MONDAY
753. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot
754. You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
755. You can't be first, but you could be next.
756. You can't have everything...where would you put it?
757. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
758. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
759. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
760. You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.
761. You will get what's coming to you, unless they mailed it.
762. You! Off my planet!
763. You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless it's mailed
764. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.
765. You're only young once; you can be immature forever.
766. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
767. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
768. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
769. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
770. Your tits look like they're made of cardboard. Are they real?