"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." -- Bobcat Goldthwait
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." -- Kevin Meaney
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" -- Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " -- Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." -- Jack Mayberry
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." -- Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -- John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." -- Steven Wright
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." -- Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." -- Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." -- Winston Spear
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player." -- Marsha Warfield
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." -- Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -- Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" -- Rita Rudner
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." -- Drew Carey
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." -- Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." -- Bill Maher
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day." -- Jay Mohr
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." -- Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." -- -Ellen DeGeneres
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." -- Jay Leno
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away." -- Billiam Coronell
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." -- Dick Cavett
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." -- Garry Shandling
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." -- Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." -- Lily Tomlin
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." -- Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " -- Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" -- Garry Shandling
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." -- Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'' -- Richard Jeni
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." -- Lynda Montgomery
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -- Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal
Just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" -- Larry Miller
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -- Delta Burke
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -- Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -- Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -- Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -- Jay Leno
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -- Tim Allen
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -- Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -- Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -- Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -- Elayne Boosler
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis. -- Conan O'Brien
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. -- Tim Allen
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfield {sooooooo... wot's the problem there??}
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. -- Tim Allen
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." -- Jay Leno
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. -- Joan Rivers
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! -- Jay Leno
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -- Tim Allen
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in. -- Rita Rudner
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -- George Carlin
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. -- Bill Cosby
When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." -- Gary Shandling
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -- the late, great Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -- Jeff Foxworthy
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