New Words to Use

Date Received: Fri, 1 Aug 1997

You can't be cool if you're using outdated lingo. Here's the latest from the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles:

Batmobiling: putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile, as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling".

Beepilepsy: afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech.

Betamaxed: when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market".

Blowing your buffer: losing your train of thought.

Cobweb: a WWW site that never changes.

Elvis year: the peak year of popularity, as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year".

Generica: fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions, as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was".

Going postal: totally stressed out and losing it, like postal employees who go on shooting rampages.

High dome: egghead, scientist, PhD.

Irritainment: annoying but you can't stop watching i.e; the O.J. trial.

Meatspace: the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community".

Percussive maintenance: the fine art of whacking a device to get it working.

Prairie dogging: in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look.

Siliwood: the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also "hollywired".

Square headed girlfriend/boyfriend: computer.

Treeware: manuals and documentation.

Umfriend: sexual relationship, as in "this is Dale,".

World wide wait: World Wide Web waiting time...

Yuppie food coupons: twenty dollar bills from an ATM.


CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

New Meanings for Old Words

Date Received: Wednesday, February 16, 2000
From: Meg Schell
Subject: FW: Old Words, New Meanings (fwd)

For the scholars out there, The Washington Post recently had a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply possible alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries ...

Abdicate: v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash: n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Bustard: n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Carcinoma: n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Circumvent: n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Coffee: n., a person who is coughed upon.

Esplanade: v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted: adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence: n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Gargoyle: n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Lymph: v., to walk with a lisp.

Marionettes: n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Negligent: adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Oyster: n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Rectitude: n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Semantics: n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Testicle: n., a humorous question on an exam.

Willy-nilly: adj., impotent.


Date Received: Thursday, August 24, 2000

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located."

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm reboot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

Date Received: Monday, February 04, 2002

The Washington Post's Style Invitations also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary and alter it by adding, subtracting or changing ONE letter and supply a new definition. Read these very carefully. Here are some the the recent winners:

Dopeler effect - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

Foreploy - Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex

Giraffiti - Vandalism spray-painted very high

Glibido - All talk and no action

Hipatitis- Terminal coolness.

Ignoranus- A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Inoculatte - To take coffee intravenously

Intaxication - Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with

Karmageddon - It's like, when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Osteopornosis - A degenerate disease

Reintarnation - Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

April 13, 2006: Here are some that I (Harold Reynolds) have invented:

Caffeind: Someone who's a real monster before his/her first coffee.

Economist: Fog on a budget

Oafficial: An idiot in a position of minor power.

Sound Sleeper: A person who snores.

Squandary: The position a spendthrift finds him/herself in when confronted by an unexpected cash bonanza and competing ways to spend it.

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