|How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
He has a big D on his pajamas.
|How do vampires get around on Halloween night? |
By blood vessels.
|How does the silly witch know what time it is?
She looks at her witch-watch.
|What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
|What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween? |
Frankenfurters with Ketchup.
|What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Don't spook until your spooken to.
|What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? |
|What do witches use on their hair?
|What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? |
A cereal killer.
|What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference? Pumpkin Pi.||What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? |
|What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A Boo-logna sandwich.
|What does a vampire fear most? |
|What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
|What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? |
|What is as sharp as a vampire's fang?
His other fang.
|What is Transylvania? |
|What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A blood vessel.
|What kind of cereal do monsters eat? |
|What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
|What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? |
|What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
|What's a monster's favorite play? |
Romeo and Ghouliet.
|What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
|What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? |
They boo-kle their seatbelts.
|Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank.
|Where do baby ghosts go during the day? |
|Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the Dead Sea.
|Where does Dracula water ski? |
On Lake Erie.
|Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
|Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? |
Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms.
|Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
|Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? |
Because of his coffin.
|Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack.
|Why did the mummy call the doctor? |
Because he was coffin.
|Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away.
|Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? |
He didn't have the guts.
|Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
|Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? |
It's good for the bones.
|A Halloween flower arrangement is a boo-quet.||A Russian prison for the undead would be called a ghoulag.|
|A zombie hunter has to have a strong immune system and be full of anti-bodies.||An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.|
|Are ghosts alcoholics because they like boos?||Do Greek ghosts like to drink Bouzo?|
|Does an emotional zombie wear his heart on his sleeve?||For Halloween, I will get a brain gelatine mold, fill it with grape Jello, and dedicate it to Prince. It'll be a Purple Brain.|
|For Halloween, I will put on a military uniform and march around the yard swapping pumpkins. I call it the Changing of the Gourd.||Ghosts like to do their shopping in bootiques.|
|How did the Great Pumpkin fix the hole in his pants? With a pumpkin patch!||If a ghost wants to make a comeback, does it use a boo-merang?|
|If a railway engineer were to become a vampire, would he be called Count Trackula?||If Dr. Van Helsing were to incorporate Vampire Hunters Inc, who would be the stakeholders?|
|If Marvel Comics gets desperate for a new character, they can create a zombie superhero who plays hand bells. They could call him Dead Ringer.||If we all dressed up as angels on October 31, we could call it Haloween.|
|Is the favourite vintage TV show of ghosts Hee-Haunt?||Is the ghosts' favourite brand of car a Haunta?|
|Mummies are bound to be uptight.||Rewatching the movie Halloween gives me a feeling of déjà boo.|
|Should you be worried if a zombie starts singing "Footloose"?||Skeletons clean the ice with Zambonys.|
|The Ghost Choir sings haunting melodies.||The Undead Hockey League cleans its ice rinks with Zombonis.|
|The Westin hotel chain has opened a new hotel for zombies just in time for Halloween: the Westin Peace.||Undead hockey and soccer teams have ghoulies to guard the net.|
|What do birds say on Halloween? "Trick or tweet!"||What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice scream.|
|What do NRA supporters say for Halloween? "Trigger Treat!"||What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.|
|What do zombies put on their Halloween roasts? Grave-y. (And we shouldn't ask what the roast is…)||What is a skeleton's favourite fruit? A bone-ana.|
|What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A wash and wear wolf.||What scary things do ghosts wear on their feet? Boots.|
|What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.||What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist|
|When Dracula had a bad cold, why couldn't his wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.||When the zombie armies finish fighting and declare a cease-fire, do any of them ask "Who's armistice?"|
|When zombies want to fight, do they throw hands?||Where did the vampire open his savings account? At the blood bank.|
|Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day-Scare Centres.||Which day of the week is a ghost's favourite? Moanday.|
|Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.||Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.|
|Why did the monster eat a light bulb? Because he needed a light snack.||Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps.|
|Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle.||Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin!|
|To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking. [Note: bread in French is "pain".]||Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie who only eats Brians?|
|For a zombie, every surprise is jaw-dropping.||When a zombie gets really angry, does it lose its head?|
|When a zombie wakes up, do its eyes pop open?||Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.|
|Why didn't the skeleton go out trick-or-treating? He had no body to go with.||Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them.|
|Why did the skeleton go to the museum? It wanted to see the skulptures.|
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