Halloween Jokes

I got a lot of these on Tue, 27 Oct 1998. Many more are from my own collection, as I've thought them up, and are in my pun dictionary. Most are stupid, some are even direct rip-offs of elephant jokes, but since they're Halloween-related, they're here in the collection. Enjoy!
Here is the page in PDF format in the off chance you'd like to share copies at work, school, home, etc.

Jokes that are too lame for my Pun Dictionary

How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
He has a big D on his pajamas.
How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.
How does the silly witch know what time it is?
She looks at her witch-watch.
 
What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.
What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
Frankenfurters with Ketchup.
What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Don't spook until your spooken to.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
White pillowcases.
What do witches use on their hair?
Scare spray.
What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer.
What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference? Pumpkin Pi. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash.
What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A Boo-logna sandwich.
What does a vampire fear most?
Tooth decay.
What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula.
What is as sharp as a vampire's fang?
His other fang.
What is Transylvania?
Dracula's terror-tory.
What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A blood vessel.
What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos.
What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!
What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein.
What's a monster's favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet.
What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
Grandma monster.
What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
They boo-kle their seatbelts.
Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the Dead Sea.
Where does Dracula water ski?
On Lake Erie.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms.
Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack.
Why did the mummy call the doctor?
Because he was coffin.
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
It's good for the bones.

Jokes that are in my Pun Dictionary

A Halloween flower arrangement is a boo-quet. A Russian prison for the undead would be called a ghoulag.
A zombie hunter has to have a strong immune system and be full of anti-bodies. An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.
Are ghosts alcoholics because they like boos? Do Greek ghosts like to drink Bouzo?
Does an emotional zombie wear his heart on his sleeve? For Halloween, I will get a brain gelatine mold, fill it with grape Jello, and dedicate it to Prince. It'll be a Purple Brain.
For Halloween, I will put on a military uniform and march around the yard swapping pumpkins. I call it the Changing of the Gourd. Ghosts like to do their shopping in bootiques.
How did the Great Pumpkin fix the hole in his pants? With a pumpkin patch! If a ghost wants to make a comeback, does it use a boo-merang?
If a railway engineer were to become a vampire, would he be called Count Trackula? If Dr. Van Helsing were to incorporate Vampire Hunters Inc, who would be the stakeholders?
If Marvel Comics gets desperate for a new character, they can create a zombie superhero who plays hand bells. They could call him Dead Ringer. If we all dressed up as angels on October 31, we could call it Haloween.
Is the favourite vintage TV show of ghosts Hee-Haunt? Is the ghosts' favourite brand of car a Haunta?
Mummies are bound to be uptight. Rewatching the movie Halloween gives me a feeling of déjà boo.
Should you be worried if a zombie starts singing "Footloose"? Skeletons clean the ice with Zambonys.
The Ghost Choir sings haunting melodies. The Undead Hockey League cleans its ice rinks with Zombonis.
The Westin hotel chain has opened a new hotel for zombies just in time for Halloween: the Westin Peace. Undead hockey and soccer teams have ghoulies to guard the net.
What do birds say on Halloween? "Trick or tweet!" What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice scream.
What do NRA supporters say for Halloween? "Trigger Treat!" What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
What do zombies put on their Halloween roasts? Grave-y. (And we shouldn't ask what the roast is…) What is a skeleton's favourite fruit? A bone-ana.
What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A wash and wear wolf. What scary things do ghosts wear on their feet? Boots.
What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling. What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist
When Dracula had a bad cold, why couldn't his wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin. When the zombie armies finish fighting and declare a cease-fire, do any of them ask "Who's armistice?"
When zombies want to fight, do they throw hands? Where did the vampire open his savings account? At the blood bank.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day-Scare Centres. Which day of the week is a ghost's favourite? Moanday.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body. Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb? Because he needed a light snack. Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin!
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking. [Note: bread in French is "pain".] Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie who only eats Brians?
For a zombie, every surprise is jaw-dropping. When a zombie gets really angry, does it lose its head?
When a zombie wakes up, do its eyes pop open? Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Why didn't the skeleton go out trick-or-treating? He had no body to go with. Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them.
Why did the skeleton go to the museum? It wanted to see the skulptures.  
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