Halloween Jokes

I got a lot of these on Tue, 27 Oct 1998. Many more are from my own collection, as I've thought them up, and are in my pun dictionary. Most are stupid, some are even direct rip-offs of elephant jokes, but since they're Halloween-related, they're here in the collection. Enjoy!
Here is the page in PDF format in the off chance you'd like to share copies at work, school, home, etc.

Jokes that are too lame for my Pun Dictionary

How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
He has a big D on his pajamas.
How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.
How does the silly witch know what time it is?
She looks at her witch-watch.
What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.
What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
Frankenfurters with Ketchup.
What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Don't spook until you're spooken to.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
White pillowcases.
What do witches use on their hair?
Scare spray.
What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer.
What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference? Pumpkin Pi.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash.
What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A Boo-logna sandwich.
What does a vampire fear most?
Tooth decay.
What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula.
What is as sharp as a vampire's fang?
His other fang.
What is Transylvania?
Dracula's terror-tory.
What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A blood vessel.
What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos.
What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!
What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein.
What's a monster's favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet.
What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
Grandma monster.
What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
They boo-kle their seatbelts.
Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
Where do mummies go for a swim?
The Dead Sea.
Where does Dracula water ski?
On Lake Erie.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Why are monsters huge, hairy, and ugly?
Because if they were small, round, and smooth they'd be M&Ms.
Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack.
Why did the mummy call the doctor?
Because he was coffin.
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
It's good for the bones.
 

Jokes that are in my Pun Dictionary

Ghosts

  1. Bamboo: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
  2. Boomerang: If a ghost throws a pie and it comes back and hits her in the face, that pie must be a boo-meringue.
  3. Boots: What scary things do ghosts wear on their feet? Boots.
  4. Booze: Are ghosts alcoholics because they like boos?
  5. Bouquet: A Halloween flower arrangement is a boo-quet.
  6. Boutique: Ghosts like to do their shopping in bootiques.
  7. Day Care: Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day-Scare Centres.
  8. Hantavirus: Can ghosts get sick with the hauntavirus?
  9. Haunting: The Ghost Choir sings haunting melodies.
  10. Hee-Haw: Is the favourite vintage TV show of ghosts Hee-Haunt?
  11. Honda: Is the ghosts' favourite brand of car a Haunta?
  12. Ice Cream: What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice scream.
  13. Lift the Spirits: An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.
  14. Monday: Which day of the week is a ghost's favourite? Moanday.
  15. Ouzo: Do Greek ghosts like to drink Bouzo?

Jokes and One-Liners

  1. Dying: Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
  2. Gargoyle: Whatís a monsterís favourite lubricant? Gargoil.
  3. Gobbling: Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin!
  4. Halloween: If we all dressed up as angels on October 31, we could call it Haloween.
  5. Halloween: Do donkeys dress up for Hee-Halloween?
  6. Light Snack: Why did the monster eat a light bulb? Because he needed a light snack.
  7. Nobody: Why didn't the skeleton go out trick-or-treating? He had no body to go with.
  8. Patch: How did the Great Pumpkin fix the hole in his pants? With a pumpkin patch!
  9. Poultergeist: What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist.
  10. Purple Rain: For Halloween, I will get a brain gelatine mold, fill it with grape Jello, and dedicate it to Prince. It'll be a Purple Brain.
  11. Sculptures: Why did the skeleton go to the museum? It wanted to see the skulptures.
  12. See Himself: Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
  13. See Through: Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them.
  14. Trick or Treat: What do birds say on Halloween? "Trick or tweet!"
  15. Trick or Treat: What do NRA supporters say for Halloween? "Trigger Treat!"

Mummies

  1. Bound to Be: Mummies are bound to be uptight.
  2. Under wraps: Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Skeletons

  1. Banana: What is a skeleton's favourite fruit? A bone-ana.
  2. Gets Under the Skin: Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  3. Nobody: Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
  4. Spare Ribs: What did the skeleton bring to the Halloween pot-luck? Spare Ribs.
  5. Zamboni: Skeletons clean the ice with Zambonys.

Undead

  1. Antibodies: A zombie hunter has to have a strong immune system and be full of anti-bodies.
  2. Arm Is this: When the zombie armies finish fighting and declare a cease-fire, do any of them ask "Who's armistice?"
  3. Body Spray: If the folks from The Walking Dead tossed a zombie into a wood chipper, they'd get a perfume: body spray.
  4. Brains: Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie who only eats Brians?
  5. Counts: Vampires aren't very good at math, unless you Count Dracula.
  6. Dead Ringer: If Marvel Comics gets desperate for a new character, they can create a zombie superhero who plays hand bells. They could call him Dead Ringer.
  7. Dead Tired: Zombies don't get exhausted, but they do get dead tired.
  8. Foot Loose: Should you be worried if a zombie starts singing "Footloose"?
  9. Goalie: Undead hockey and soccer teams have ghoulies to guard the net.
  10. Gravy: What do zombies put on their Halloween roasts? Grave-y. (And we shouldn't ask what the roast isÖ)
  11. Gulag: A Russian prison for the undead would be called a ghoulag.
  12. Jaw-Dropping: For a zombie, every surprise is jaw-dropping.
  13. Laughing his Head Off: What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
  14. Limbo: Do zombies do the limb-o dance at parties?
  15. Lose Your Head: When a zombie gets really angry, does it lose its head?
  16. Make Every Second Count: I got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us and itís time-sensitive, so I have to make every second count.
  17. Pop Open: When a zombie wakes up, do its eyes pop open?
  18. Reece's Pieces: "Der Riese" is a game map in Call of Duty Black Ops Zombies. Would it be reasonable to call the shot-up zombies "Der Riese's Pieces?"
  19. Rest in Peace: The Westin hotel chain has opened a new hotel for zombies just in time for Halloween: the Westin Peace.
  20. Rise: Bread dough put in the oven should be called "Zombie", since the dead will rise.
  21. Stakeout: Vampires are not suited to be detectives because they don't like stakeouts.
  22. Throw Hands: When zombies want to fight, do they throw hands?
  23. Heart on your Sleeve: Does an emotional zombie wear his heart on his sleeve?
  24. Zamboni: The Undead Hockey League cleans its ice rinks with Zombonis.

Vampires

  1. Blood Bank: Where did the vampire open his savings account? At the blood bank.
  2. Coughing: When Dracula had a bad cold, why couldn't his wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.
  3. Nectarines: What's a vampire's favourite fruit? Necktarines.
  4. Pain (bread) Staking: To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
  5. See Himself: Vampires will not get jobs cleaning mirrors. They just can't see themselves doing it.
  6. Stake Holders: If Dr. Van Helsing were to incorporate Vampire Hunters Inc, who would be the stakeholders?

Werewolves

  1. A Werewolf: When the Big Bad Wolf became a Buddhist and started meditating, he became even scarier. He was aware wolf.
  2. Moon: Never moon a werewolf.
  3. Werewolf: What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A wash and wear wolf.

Witches

  1. Bats: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
  2. Fly off the Handle: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle.
  3. Spell Check: When a witch is proof-reading, is she doing a spell check?
  4. Spelling: What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.
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