Some of these are pretty bad... 8-)
Various Jokes
- How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.
- How did Colonel Sanders die? He choked on his fingers.
- How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
- How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? When his drill slipped.
- How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.
- How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
- How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.
- If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
- Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer.
- What are half-sized quartz watches? Pintz watches.
- What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.
- What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
- What colour is a belch? Burple.
- What cruises down the riverbed at 60 mph? A motorpike with two side carps.
- What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun? "Gosh, I could have had a V-8!"
- What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!"
- What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? "Take me to your weeder!"
- What did the guitar say to the musician? "Pick on someone your own size!"
- What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? "How can you be so gruel?"
- What did the kids say when they saw Dr. Jekyll the Truant Officer coming? "Hyde! It's Dr. Jekyll!"
- What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
- What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
- What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse? The wine-stoned cowboy.
- What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
- What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
- What do you call it when a walrus eats 1000 clams? A calamity.
- What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.
- What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
- What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
- What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.
- What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
- What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
- What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
- What grows up while growing down? A goose.
- What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
- What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
- What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
- What is Batman's religion? Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha.
- What is a centrifuge? A place where 100 people hide.
- What is a newly hatched beetle? A baby buggy.
- What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.
- What is green and red and goes around in a blender at 90 mph? A frog in a blender.
What do you get from all of this? Frognog.
- What is the electrician's favourite Christmas carol? "The Twelve Days of Christmas" because of the partridge in ampere tree.
- What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.
- What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds? Tarzipan.
- What part of a cemetery is best for burying guns? The muzzleum.
- What's Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture.
- What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
- What's a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
- What's a three-season bed? One without a spring.
- What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.
- What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.
- What's the similarity between a blacksmith and a counterfeiter? They're into forgery.
- Where are whales weighed? At a whale weigh station.
- Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
- Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.
- Where does McDonald's get its burgers from? Macau.
- Where is Venice located? In Venice-zuela.
- Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
- Why are there no floods in Paris? Because the water is always l'eau.
- Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
- Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
- Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed? Their down is in the dumps.
- Why don't sharks eat divorce lawyers? Professional courtesy.
- Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.
Assorted Puns
- "Doctor, doctor! Birds keep building nests in my horses' manes! What should I do?" "Sprinkle yeast on them and call me in the morning." "But why?" "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet!"
- "Doctor, doctor! Some days I think I'm a teepee, others I think I'm a wigwam! What do I do?" "Relax, you're two tents."
- "Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald." (Laugh-In)
- A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse".
- A man hit another on the head with a pop bottle, killing him. In court, he claimed he was influenced by the song "Let's Get Fizzy-Kill".
- A story about a pony on the pampas could be called "Little Horse on the Prairie".
- Addition in a dark Chinese restaurant is "dim sum".
- An expert farmer is outstanding in her field.
- An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
- Camels live in Camelfornia.
- Cannibals like to meat people.
- Did you hear about the optician? Two glasses and he made a spectacle of himself.
- Economist: A discount fog.
- Hands are like bells, especially when they're wrung.
- How about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
- How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
- If life is like a bowl of cherries, what's the raisin for living?
- In some places fog will never be mist.
- Never give your uncle an anteater.
- Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.
- One can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves.
- One day the wind stopped blowing in Chicago and everyone fell down.
- One who does magic tricks with bandages is a wizard of gauze.
- Plug a pizza in the socket and get a pizza delight.
- Read the history of electronics of Biblical proportions: Solomon and Toshiba!
- Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.
- Some people say my puns are sleep-inducing, but I keep laudanum anyways.
- Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
- Spanish bullfighters use Oil of Olé face cream to beat wrinkles.
- The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work."
- The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
- The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
- The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
- We ought to rename summer "pride" because pride cometh before the fall.
- When the Lord said, "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply!" He didn't necessarily have Math teachers in mind.
- When the little boy was caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he said "I needed help with my homework." The reason: "God helps those who help themselves."
- You can have too much of a good thing, but since most people think puns are not good things, they can't have too many of them!
Date Received: Mon, 12 Feb 1996
- How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
- If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella.
- What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
- What did the razor blade say to the razor? Schick 'em up!
- What do you call a frightened skindiver? Chicken of the sea.
- What four letters could end a game of hide and seek. O I C U.
- What goes up into the air white and comes down yellow and white? An egg.
- What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
- What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma has a pause at the end of its clause.
- What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.
- What turns without moving? Milk. It can turn sour.
- What's the longest piece of furniture in the world? The multiplication table.
- When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.
- When you lose something, why do you always find it in the last place you look? Because you stop looking as soon as you find it.
- Where does a jellyfish get its jelly? From ocean currents.
- Why are rivers always rich? Because they have two banks.
- Why did the little fella sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.
- Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work.
- Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
- Why is your hand similar to a hardware store? Because it has nails.