Some Long Jokes and Some "Walked into a Bar" Jokes

Date Received: December 14, 2011

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. 'You have no arms!'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!' And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but... HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!'

It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat when he came across two men; one was sitting under a tree reading a book while the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him proving even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Walks into a Bar Jokes

Received: December 28, 2011
  1. A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in — just don't start anything."
  2. This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her. "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."
  3. This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face.
  4. These two strings walk upto a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar!" The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "Aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
  5. This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
  6. This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club.
  7. This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."
  8. A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."
  9. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
  10. Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.
  11. A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  12. A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
  13. A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
  14. A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
  15. Baby seal walks into a club. What a tragedy.
  16. A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said.
  17. Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
  18. Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite."
  19. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
  20. Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
  21. A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over.
    "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us."
    "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
    "Say what?"
    "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts - they're complimentary."
Received: March 13, 2011

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!' After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The Banker looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex?'

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