Some Miscellaneous Puns

Date Received: February 25, 2003. Some updates January 7, 2012.


  1. A backward poet writes inverse.
  2. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  3. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  4. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  5. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  8. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
  9. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  10. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  11. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  12. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  13. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  14. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  15. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  16. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  17. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  18. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  19. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  20. Every calendar's days are numbered.
  21. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  22. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  23. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  24. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  25. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
  26. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  27. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
  28. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
  29. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  30. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  31. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  32. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  33. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  34. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
  35. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  36. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  37. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  38. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  39. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  40. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  41. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  42. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  43. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  44. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
  45. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  46. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
  47. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  48. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  49. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  50. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  51. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

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