Date Received: Mon, 10 May 1999
This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers...
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.
- Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
moth.
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java.
- Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
- Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.
- In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature.
- Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation
of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
with a 100 foot clipper.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote onkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
- Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died
and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
this.
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for
taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two
cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.".
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
- Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted t secure
domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.
- Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
- Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up
in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian
and half English. He was very large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when every on was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
- The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but
since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West.
- Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63
years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
hundred men.
- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
- The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an
anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
- Strategy is when you don't let the enemy know that you are out of
ammunition, but keep on firing.
- A virgin forest is a forest in which the hand of man has never set
foot.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then
forcing it through an aviator.
- The seaport of Athens is Pyorrhea.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on top and
you sit on the bottom.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.
- One by-product of cattle raising is calves.
- New Zealand is a democratic country. They passed a law there
preventing women from sweating in the factories.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large, red nose, but under it were deeply
religious feelings.
- Manhattan Island was bought from the Indians for $24 and I do not
suppose you could buy it now for $500.
- The French Revolution was caused by overcharging taxies.
- The Civil War was caused by Lincoln signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.
- In the Spring the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- By self-pollination, a farmer may get a flock of long-haired
sheep.
- The difference between a president and a king is that a king has no
vice.
Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.