Miscellaneous Child-Related Humour

Date Received: Mon, 31 Mar 1997

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.

She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.

Things we learn from children

Date Received: Mon, 31 Mar 1997

  1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  3. A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
  5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
  6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
  7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
  8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
  9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
  12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
  15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
  16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
  17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
  18. Duplos will not.
  19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
  20. Super glue is forever.
  21. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
  22. Ditto Tarzan.
  23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  28. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
  29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
  31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
  32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
  33. It will however make cats dizzy.
  34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  35. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
  36. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.

This page last updated .