Womanspeak and Manspeak

Date Received: Tue, 7 Oct 1997

What Women Say And What They Mean

"Can't we just be friends?" There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of his body touch any part of mine again.
"I just need some space." without you in it.
"Do I look fat in this dress?" We haven't had a fight in a while.
"No, pizza's fine." Cheap bastard!
"I just do not want a boyfriend now." I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.
"I don't know; what do you want to do?" I can't believe that you have nothing planned.
"Come here." My puppy does this too
"I like you, but ..." I don't like you.
"You never listen." You never listen.
"We're moving too quickly." I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
"I'll be ready in a minute." I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
"Oh, no, I will pay for myself." I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.
"Oh YES!!! Right there!" Well, near there; I just want to get this over with
"I'm just going out with the girls." We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
"There's no one else." I am doing your brother.
"Size doesn't matter." unless I want an orgasm.

What Men Say And What They Mean

"I'm hungry." I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." I'm tired.
"I've gotta pee." Get out of the way.
"I've gotta GO!" Get out of the way and stay away until it clears
"Can I call you sometime?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I get your coat?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Let me get your door." I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" Nice Tits!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." Let's have sex now.
"I love you too." Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Good morning." That was great sex......let's have more!
"See you later." That was great sex......let's have more!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!
"Let's talk." I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
"Will you marry me?" I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"
"I'm going fishing" I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing" "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"Can I help with dinner?" "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey", or "Yes, dear" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain" "I have no idea how it works."
"Take a break honey, you're working too hard." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." "Are you still talking?"
"You know how bad my memory is." "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you." "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
While shopping:
"Yes, that one's nice." Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
"That one looks great on you." Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I like that one better." Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"Uh huh." Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." I am gay.
"It makes you look fat." I'm really stupid!

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