Jokes about Men

Date Received: Mon, 21 Jun 1999

Men are like fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door.

If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on his face on Monday morning?
Tell him a joke on Friday night.

Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

He keeps a record of everything he eats. It's called a tie.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex?
"Honey! I'm home!"

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?
God says: "So she would love you."

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.

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