When Age Happens

Date Received: Wed, 1 Apr 1998

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

  1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it
  2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran
  3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart
  4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..
  5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair
  6. If all is not lost, where is it
  7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser
  8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant
  9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few..
  10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents
  11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids
  12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere
  13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom
  14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees
  15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess
  16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere
  17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
  18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after
  19. I am unable to remember if i have mailed this to you before or not
A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out... "Watch out for the wall!"

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