Date Received: Thu, 19 Mar 1998
Oh, Canada, what an.... interesting national quilt we are...
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
- Weed
- Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
- The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
- The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
- Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
- A university with a nude beach
- You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
- If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
- There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
- Cannabis
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
- Big Rock
- Preston Manning
- Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
- The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
- Flames vs. Oilers
- Stamps vs. Eskies
- You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
- Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's (Video Lottery Terminals)
- The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
- You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
- You never run out of wheat
- Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
- Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
- Your province is really easy to draw
- You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
- It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
- YOUR Roughriders survived
- You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
- People will assume you live on a farm
- Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
- You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
- Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
- All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
- The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
- Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
- Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
- You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
- You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
- Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off
- Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
- You live in the center of the universe
- Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
- You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
- There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist
- Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
- Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city
- The only province with hard-core American-style crime
- MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
- Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
- Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
- Everybody assumes you're an asshole
- Racism is socially acceptable
- The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
- You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
- Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
- The FLQ
- Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
- The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
- NON-smokers are the outcasts
- You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
- You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken celtic fiddlers
- One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
- You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
- When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
- The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
- No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
- You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
- Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
- Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
- You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
- The only place in North America to get bombed in WW1 ... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
- Your province is shaped like male genitalia
- Everyone is a fiddle player
- If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
- The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
- The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal
- You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
- You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
- The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
- Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
- Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge
- You can walk across the province in half an hour
- You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
- This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
- The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
- Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave
- You can drive across the the province in two minutes
- It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
- You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
- You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
- The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
- If Quebec Seperates, you will float off to sea
- In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
- The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
- If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
- You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
- The work day is about two hours long
- You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
- If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
- It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day