How to Ditch a Telepest

Date Received: Mon, 8 Feb 1999

This is from an article in the Arizona Republic.

Question: What's the best excuse you've ever given a telephone solicitor to end the conversation?

"I like to tell them, 'I used to work for that same company and they never paid me. Have you got paid yet?' They hang right up."

"Several years ago, I had a call from someone selling funeral plots, and I told him he had the wrong number because everyone in our home was immortal."

"I tell them I'm very interested in what you have to say, but I have to decline any offers because we are Amish and do not believe in using telephones."

"I like to ask solicitors if their product comes with a free pony. when they say no, I tell them I'm not interested if there's no free pony. They always hang up after that."

"I don't need excuses. I start up conversations with the solicitor and then before I'm done talking, they are the ones who are giving the excuses to get off the phone with me."

"I got so tired of them calling one week that I finally said I was on welfare. I couldn't believe how fast they said goodbye."

"When the solicitor asked if "Mr. So & So is there?" "No, he's not," I replied. "Is Mrs. So & So there?" "What!!!" I yelled. "That SOB told me he's not married! He's going to get it when he gets home!" Boy, did he get off the phone fast.

"Hello, Yes. I'm familiar with your candidate. Will I vote for him? What's it worth to you? I mean, what's it WORTH to you? I'm from Chicago and my vote has always been worth sonmething. Hello. Hello."

"As they're prattling on and on without taking a breath, I just set the phone down and walk away. Eventually they figure out no one's on the other end and hang up. After a few minutes I hang my phone up. They don't usually call back."

"I always ask them if they accept food stamps."

"I told a dance studio I have no legs. I told a local newspaper that I am illiterate and get all the information I need from the TV and talk shows. I told a long-distance carrier that I had no friends and all my relatives are dead, so I don't make long distance calls."

"I stop a solicitor by telling them that my boyfriend is in a bubble bath waiting for me and I really need to go, and they stop in their tracks."

"I tell them I'm an insurance agent and I ask them how much insurance they're carrying and how much they pay on a monthly basis. They usually hang up on me at that time."

"I ask them how they got my number because I'm in the Witness Protection Plan and I need to talk to their supervisor immediately. They usually say right away they'll take my number of their calling list."

And, my personal favorite:

"I say, 'Thank you very much, but the people from my home planet take care of that for me.'"

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