Martha Stewart Jokes

Date Received: Mon, 19 May 1997

The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

:-) Aus language note: Boot - as in "boots and all" to do something whole heartedly, and as in "to get the boot" to be fired from a job or dropped by your SO.

Petra Hinds
http://www.tassie.net.au/~phinds/
Launceston Tasmania Australia

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Excerpt from Martha Stewart's Diary

Date Received: Mon, 19 May 1997

Jan 1: Catch up on gardening -- sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997.

Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.

Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

Jan 5: Lay Faberge egg.

Jan 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you don't know.

Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.

Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.

Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.

Jan 15: MLK Birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan 16: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.

Jan 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

Jan 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

Jan 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.