Received: January 28, 2011.
This was in the top of the message: "A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in
which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a
way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first
part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy!"
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. My desk is a work station.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
- I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an
emergency, notify:" I put "A DOCTOR."
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good
ideas!
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they
go.
- There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon...
and a shot of tequila.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
hit the target.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear OK until
you hear them speak.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
- I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and
harder for me to find one now.