You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

Date Received: Tue, 25 Nov 1997

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

Cocaine is a downer.

Instant coffee takes too long.

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

People can recharge their batteries in your ears.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You answer the door before people knock.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You haven't slept since the Carter administration...

You help your dog chase its tail.

You ski uphill.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."