(A chain letter I received Nov 21. The questions are humourous, but I deleted all the mail headers for brevity. HR)
  1. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  2. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  3. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  4. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  5. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  6. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
  7. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  8. Who is supposed to read the "Seeing eye dogs only" sign at the post office - the blind person or the dog?
  9. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
  10. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  11. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  12. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
  13. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
  14. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  15. You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
  16. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
  17. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  18. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  20. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  21. Why do you have to work like a slave to get a Master's degree?
(Answers below!)

Did you know who in 1923 was:

These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?

Conclusion: stop worrying about business and start playing golf
Date Received: Thu, 02 Jan 1997

I'm sorry, eh. I didn't think (full stop) this would go on but it did. If you have any more questions, just stick 'em somewhere and I'll run across them I guess and hhelp out if I can. See below (as if you could miss it) ... Oh, yeah, HAPPY NEW YEAR !!

I've never seen so many foolish questions in one place but at least we'll get them out of the way before 1997 goes, too.

Here's Why

  1. You need a driver's license to buy liquor because you can't have liquor in a public place, your car is private.
  2. Phonetic is spelled the way it sounds; most people pronounce it incorrectly.
  3. Hawaii has interstates because Hawaiians like to travel (mostly July skiing trips to the Canadian Rockies).
  4. If the flotation devices were under the parachutes, no one would ever find them.
  5. Gas station owners like to retire on insurance money, too.
  6. A silencer is not required. Mimes are invariably deaf. ( Did you ever notice..they don't speak?)
  7. Huh?
  8. Blind persons and their dogs can safely ignore this sign. Unemployed dogs are required to read and obey it.
  9. The snowplow guy takes a taxi.
  10. 7-11 has locks on its doors to keep employees in.
  11. No, cows drink Coke. (This question has been covered in depth elsewhere.)
  12. Nothing sticks to Teflon, the pans contain no Teflon. (It won't stick to metals, either)
  13. The cat licks the butter off the toast and lands on its face.
  14. Headlights are aimed slightly to the side, allowing the light to fall behind without slowing you appreciably.
  15. Open the package from the inside where there is no visible labelling.
  16. Braille dots, hmm, good question, the bills never come out properly folded.
  17. Wrong question, should be "Why do we park and drive in lanes and should we do both in the same place?"
  18. Shipment-Cargo - another hmmm...I'm not sure but I remember it has to do with the Scandinavian origin of English words and the Norman invasion.
  19. The black box material causes metal fatigue. Too much of it inside an aircraft would make it unairworthy.
  20. You turn down the radio volume so as not to be embarrassed. Your wife would have to yell that should have stopped for directions and others might hear.
  21. Work like a slave to get a Master's degree? That's a joke, right?

Date Received: Monday, October 27, 2003

  1. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  2. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
  3. Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?"
  4. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  5. Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
  6. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
  7. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
  8. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
  9. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?
  10. And who opened that first oyster and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"

Date Received: January 28, 2011. Added January 7, 2012


  1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
  2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  3. So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
  4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
  5. There are three religious truths:
    a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
    c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
  6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
  9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
  10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
  14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
  16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
  17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
  18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
  21. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
  22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  23. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

Thoughts to Get Us Through the Winter

Date Received: February 6, 2011. Added January 7, 2012

  1. Can you cry under water?
  2. How important does a person have to be before s/he is considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  3. If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
  4. Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only "a penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going?
  5. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
  6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  7. What disease did cured ham actually have?
  8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby," when babies wake up every two hours?
  10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  11. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
  12. Why do people pay to go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  13. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
  14. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
  15. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  16. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
  17. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  18. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  19. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  20. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  21. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
  22. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  23. Do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  24. (Why did you just try singing the two songs above?)
  25. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
  26. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  27. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

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