Mini Table of Contents
3) Non-QA Jokes (40)
4) QA Jokes (Squeaky Clean, Semi-Offensive, Offensive)
This list has been generated from my own collection, as well as the lists of "The Shadow" and "bobk". (Additions are from the collections of Owen Carter and Harold Reynolds)
WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated" (or at the lest, in very poor taste). Please take this into consideration when distributing this list.
See also, in Wikipedia: Elephant Jokes
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too
many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get
people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade
for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading
somewhere that elephants don't laugh.
He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so
happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to
retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant.
Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make
the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the
jar was almost full.
Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give
any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."
"Yeah, he's out back"
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard
coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was
going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not
believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who
had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeings as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant. In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry. "Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
- similar joke below -
An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. It was far out of reach. A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak. "Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow. "Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask." The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant." "Be my guest!", said the elephant. So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head. "OUCH!", said the elephant. Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"
(*): from Hugh Young, Feb 8, 1995
Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."
While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting out bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design and build the largest rack here-to-fore made. The rack was then fitted with wheels and required 40 horses to pull it. When all was ready, George the Turk set out to do battle. Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils of his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the Turk's army. George the Turk knew that his army must attack quickly before Bad King John could prepare a defense. But, alas, the 40 horse team pulling the large rack could not keep up with the troops. George the Turk ordered more horses to be teamed, but, still they lagged. George the Turk remembered that Hannibal was not too far away in the mountains with a herd of elephants. Elephants would be better than horses for pulling the rack. So, George the Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibal to rent enough elephants for the job. Hannibal agreed and also sent along his best elephant handler.
This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that he be given the title of "elephant engineer" and a huge pay raise. George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay raise.
The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the "elephant engineer" , kept pace with the rapidly moving army. Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river. George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on his command. He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the highest hill overlooking bad King John's camp. This site was the perfect spot to publically display bad King John - to show the world what happens to anyone who dares to try to conquer the world.
With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the hill beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to attack: when his sword drops ---ATTACK!!!!!
All is quiet. The enemy camp is asleep. Every man is waiting for the signal. The first ray of sunlight strikes the helmet of George the Turk. He draws his sword slowly and holds it over his head. The sunlight gleams off the blade --- and scares the elephants that are hitched to the rack. They start trumpeting and rearing and the elephant engineer can't control then. He drops the reins and clings onto the rack for dear life. The rack breaks loose from the team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight for the enemy camp. All this noise wakes bad King John. He orders an aide to go outside the tent to see what is the cause. The aide takes a hard look, comes back into the tent, and reports:
"As near as I can tell -- It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer"!!!
How do you get an elephant into a VW?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
2 in the front and 2 in the back
How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
Can't get the fridge door closed.
How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW bug parked outside it.
How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.
How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
Depends on the number of elephants.
What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
The sun roof.
The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
They were stuck in the VW bug.
How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
None, the elephants are in there!
What game do four elephants in a VW play?
How can you tell if there's an elephant in the back seat of your car?
If the front wheels don't touch the ground and someone keeps stealing your peanuts, it's probably an elephant.
What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door. 2. Insert elephant. 3. Close door.
How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Insert giraffe. 4. Close door.
How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.
How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.
Why don't elephants shut the refrigerator door?
They are afraid with the light out.
Why don't elephants wear shoes?
They can't tie the laces on their back feet when they have shoes on their front feet.
Why did the elephant wear ripple-soled shoes?
To give the ants a 50-50 chance.
Why don't elephants wear high heels?
They think they already have pretty ankles.
Why do elephants wear sandals?
To keep from sinking into the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their heads in the sand?
To look for elephants that weren't wearing sandals.
What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
No, of course not.
Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
Why do elephants wear sneakers?
To sneak up on mice.
Why do elephants wear sneakers?
Coaches won't let them on the gym floor without them.
Why do elephants wear green sneakers?
So they can hide in cabbage patches. (From mark koeberl)
Why do elephants wear ice skates?
They can't play hockey very well on skis.
Why don't elephants wear purple coats?
They don't want to be mistaken for grapes.
Do you think an elephant looks silly wearing pearls?
Not if she's wearing a black dress.
Why did the elephant wear silver earrings?
Gold was too expensive.
Why don't elephants wear knickers?
Nobody wears knickers anymore.
Why do elephants wear red earmuffs?
White gets dirty too quickly.
Why did the elephant wear horn-rimmed glasses?
He didn't like contact lenses.
Why don't elephants wear stockings?
Pantyhose are more comfortable.
Why don't you ever see an elephant in a gold lamé‚ dress?
Most of them have better taste.
Why did the elephant wear green eye shadow?
To match her green dress.
Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
If you had as many dumb jokes told about you, you'd want to wear sunglasses too.
Why did the elephant wear red suspenders?
The blue ones were in the wash.
Why do elephants wear green felt hats?
So they can walk across pool tables without being seen.
Why don't elephants wear blue pin-striped suits?
They look best in grey. (From mark koeberl)
What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Anything you want, it can't hear you.
What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
They're all on the same team.
Why do elephants need trunks?
Most beaches won't let them in without them.
Why don't elephants wear bikinis?
They already have trunks.
Why don't elephants play basketball?
You can't find five elephants willing to have purple trunks.
Why don't elephants use automatic clothes dryers?
Their trunks get all tangled up.
Why did the elephant drive to New York?
They wouldn't take a trunk on the plane.
Why do elephants make good switchboard operators?
They're good with trunk calls.
Why do elephants stay home on weekends?
They feel silly going anywhere with a trunk for two days.
Why do elephants have trunks?
They can't afford glove compartments.
Why did the elephant eat some mothballs?
To keep moths out of his trunk.
How can you keep an elephant from smelling?
Tie a knot in its trunk.
Why can't two elephants go into the water at the same time?
They only have one pair of trunks.
You're in a phone booth and you see a herd of elephants charging towards you. What do you do?
Make a trunk call and reverse the charge.
What do you get when an elephant squirts water from its trunk?
A jumbo jet.
Why do elephants have short tails?
Somebody pulled their trunks.
What's big and green and has a trunk?
An unripe elephant.
Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
How do you prevent an elephant from going through the eye of a needle?
Tie a knot in its trunk. (From Vijay Jayachandran)
What's gray all over and has a trunk?
A mouse going on vacation. (From Vijay Jayachandran)
Why shouldn't you play cards with an elephant?
If you lead an ace, he'll want to trumpet.
What do you call 500 elephants at a concert?
Why don't elephants like turnips?
For the same reasons that people don't like turnips.
Why don't elephants fly?
Because airline tickets are too expensive.
Why don't elephants cross their eyes?
Because i's are dotted, t's are crossed.
When does an elephant charge?
When he doesn't have the cash.
Can elephants see at night?
Not with their eyes shut.
Why don't elephants sing?
Maybe they don't want to be mistaken for birds.
What do you do when an elephant has hay fever?
Stay about a mile away.
How do you keep an elephant from getting angry?
You had better find out.
Why do so many elephants live in zoos?
It's cheaper than an apartment.
What happened when the elephant took a bus?
The police made him give it back.
How can you tell an elephant from a bottle of potato salad?
If you can't, don't come to my picnic.
What does an elephant do for a cold?
He probably doesn't want one, so don't ask.
Why don't elephants live in grass houses?
The beams are hard to chew.
Why aren't elephants square?
Some of the old fuddy-duddies are.
Why don't elephants lay eggs?
They can't get into birdhouses.
Why don't elephants have feathers?
It would confuse duck hunters.
What would happen if elephants had feathers?
Pillows would be a lot cheaper.
Where are elephants found?
Where they were lost, usually.
How do you fill an elephant's tooth?
Why are elephants vegetarians?
Who can afford to eat 125 pounds of hamburgers a day?
Why did the elephant buy a blonde wig?
She was tired of her red wig.
Why don't elephants go to costume parties?
They're not usually asked.
Why don't drunks see blue elephants?
Blue elephants aren't allowed in bars.
Why did the elephant take geometry?
The algebra class was full.
Where does a ten-ton elephant sleep?
Wherever he wants to.
Why don't elephants buy ten-speed bikes?
They can't use hand brakes.
Why don't elephants have long toenails?
Because they are cheap-looking.
Why don't elephants use typewriters efficiently?
Some do, but don't like to capitalize on it.
Why don't elephants smoke?
They do if they're lit.
Why do elephants have good memories?
I forget. I'm not an elephant.
Why did the elephant take up the saxophone?
She was tired of trumpeting.
What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant?
Why don't elephants waterski?
Very few own boats.
Why do elephants spray themselves with water?
They can't get into shower stalls.
Why don't elephants like beer?
Who said they don't?
Why don't you see elephants in elevators?
Because they hide in the back corners.
How can you tell an elephant from a giraffe?
Say "Hi giraffe" and if it doesn't answer, it's probably an elephant.
Why don't elephants do the minuet?
Orchestras don't play the minuet anymore.
Why don't elephants take subway trains?
They're too hard to carry up the stairs.
What's a good elephant's name?
Henry. Why? Ask Henry; he's a good elephant.
Why don't elephants like mice?
They don't want people to think they're cats.
Why do elephants live on the savannah?
They're too big to fit in igloos.
Should you laugh when an elephant makes a people joke?
Unless you enjoy being thrown 50 feet in the air, you should.
How can you tell if an elephant has stolen your bicycle?
There are ruts three feet deep in your yard.
How can you tell if an elephant has used your toothbrush?
It smells of peanuts.
Why do elephants travel in herds?
If they travelled in flocks, they might be mistaken for sheep.
What did Jane say when she saw an elephant in formal attire?
"It must be after six."
What did Tarzan say? "Maybe he's our waiter."
What did the elephant say? "I hope they don't think I'm a penguin."
Why did the elephant call in sick?
Nobody ever calls in well.
How can you tell if an elephant has slept in your bed?
Look for peanut shells under the pillow.
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your bedroom?
By the wrinkled sheets and the strong smell of peanuts.
How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?
If you need a ladder to get down and you're not in a bunk bed, there's probably an elephant down there somewhere.
Where do blue elephants come from? Unhappy families.
Where do white elephants come from? Church bazaars.
Where do yellow elephants come from? Chickens.
How do you kill a yellow elephant? Say "Boo!" He'll die of fright.
Why don't elephants chew gum?
Maybe they do, but not in public.
Why don't elephants make good bartenders?
People stop drinking when they see them.
How can you tell if an elephant has been in a bar?
a) Peanut shells on the floor. (From mark.koeberl)
b) The place is empty. Everyone saw him and went home.
Why do elephants give themselves showers?
Who else is going to?
Why don't a lot of elephants have Master's degrees?
There aren't a lot of elephants anymore.
Why do elephants sleep with their legs in the air?
To trip hummingbirds.
What is an elephant after she is five years old?
Six years old.
Why do the natives run through the jungle? Elephant stampede.
What's that stuff between the elephant's toes? Slow natives.
Why are elephants grey?
To distinguish them from blueberries.
Why are elephants terrible dancers?
They have two left feet.
Why did the elephant paint her toes many different colours?
To hide in a box of Smarties.
Which came first, the elephant or the mouse?
The elephant. It was running away from the mouse.
Why did the elephant go over the mountain?
She couldn't go under it.
How do you scold an elephant?
Say, "Tusk, tusk!"
How can you tell an elephant from a professor?
The elephant remembers.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?
Time to get a new car.
When twelve elephants fall into a lake, what is the first thing they do?
What did the elephant do when he broke his toe?
He called a tow truck.
Why did the elephant leave the zoo?
She was tired of working for peanuts.
How do you get a napkin from under an elephant?
Wait for it to get up.
How long should an elephant's legs be?
Long enough to reach the ground.
Why do elephants have ivory tusks?
Iron ones would rust.
Why don't elephants ride tricycles?
They don't have a thumb to ring the bell.
Why don't elephants play basketball?
They can't buy round sneakers.
What can a canary do that an elephant can't?
Take a bath in a dish.
What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish; clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?
An elephant with one wet shoe.
Why do elephants have wrinkled legs?
From tying their tennis shoes too tight.
Why do elephants have pointed tails?
From standing too close to pencil sharpeners.
How do you make an elephant light?
Stick its tail in the socket.
Why do elephants trumpet?
Because they can't learn to play the violin.
What's grey and yellow and grey and yellow and grey and yellow?
An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth.
How do you make a statue of an elephant?
Take a piece of rock and carve away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
How do you run over an elephant?
Climb up his tail, dash to his head and slide down his trunk.
How can you tell if there's an elephant on your back during a hurricane?
You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
What do elephants have that no other animals have?
Why do elephants hide behind trees?
To trip ants.
Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
From playing marbles.
How do we know elephants are always unhappy?
Because of their great size.
Why are elephants wrinkled all over?
They are very hard to iron.
What's the difference between an elephant and a doughnut?
You can't dunk an elephant in your coffee.
How many elephants can you put into an empty sack?
Only one. Then the sack is no longer empty.
What's the difference between an elephant and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in an elephant.
What's big, grey and mutters?
A mumbo jumbo.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?
An elephant with a nosebleed.
What did the psychiatrist charge the elephant?
$60 for the session and $200 for the couch.
What's a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
What do you do if an elephant has a cold?
Run like mad before she sneezes.
What did the elephant say over the microphone?
"Tusking, tusking, one, two, three."
What did the grape say when the elephant trod on it?
Nothing, but it did let out a little wine.
What's big, grey and dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun.
"Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing elephants with big yellow spots!" "Have you seen a psychiatrist?" "No, just elephants with big yellow spots!"
How does an elephant dive into a pool?
What do you call a baby elephant in the water?
A little squirt.
What's the first thing an elephant does in the morning?
Why did the elephant paint himself black?
He wanted to fool his shadow.
How do you get an elephant from a bowl of cake mix?
Follow the instructions on the back of the box.
How do you treat an elephant?
Take it out for a night on the town.
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
An inside out elephant.
What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
What is grey and not there.
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Ever seen a yellow elephant?
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck.
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
How many legs does an elephant have?
Four, two in the front, two in the back.
What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
About 5 mph (8 kph in the rest of the world)
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Sole use of the elevator.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!
How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
Its bike is outside.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
There is a dent in the cross-bar.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?
They're both blue, except for the elephant.
What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
What did Jane say?
"Here come the blueberries!" (Jane was color blind)
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance."
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks.
Why are elephants' feet round?
To fit on lily pads.
Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Why are frogs so short?
They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
Parachute him from an airplane.
Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are skydiving.
-OR- That's when the elephants jump from their nests in the trees.
Why are pygmies so short?
They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
What is a furry alligator?
A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to Pink Panther movie theme).
What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.
Why do elephants lie on their backs?
To trip low flying canaries.
Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
He wasn't lying on his back.
Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
(In the Noddy series of children's books (probably UK based), the elephants were bad characters and Noddy had a friend called "Big Ears".)
How do you make an elephant fly?
Start with a 3 foot zipper.
What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
An elephant with spare parts.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Chicken's day off.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.
What's grey and puts out forest fires?
Smokey the Elephant.
What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
You miss most of the picture!
What do elephants use for slippers?
What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)
How do you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
How do you get an elephant out of the water?
How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.
How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
What did the elephant say when he met Tarzan?
How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.
- similar joke -
Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A native eating cherries.
How did Tarzan die?
What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin.
Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
How do you know if you pass an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down.
What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way.
How do you make a dead elephant float?
Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas...
What did the female elephant say during sex?
"Can I be on top this time?"
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A two-ton pickup.
What did the elephant say to the nude man?
Cute, but can you breathe through it?
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off!
How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in your yard?
The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
What's grey and comes in quarts?
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
Swim for your life!!
What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes?
Swim for your life!
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but you need a real big bulb.
What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A blow job.
What do elephants use for condoms?
Garbage bags (or snakes).
Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!
What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?
Look what I just stepped in!
How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
Stuff a bale of hay in it.
How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
One straw at a time.
Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
So they can jump up in trees and beat up monkeys.
What sound do monkeys hate most?
Why do elephants have four feet?
Because lady elephants have big twats.
What do elephants use for tampons?
Why do elephants have long trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.
What do elephants use for vibrators?
How do you know when an elephant has its period?
There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
What is the height of ambition?
An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole.
What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant. (From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes")
What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?
One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.
What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.
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