A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me That is why we give you 21 days.
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy...I'd have nothing to play with!
Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii...No days..just nights.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy...what a present he gave me!
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
For two hours...some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm OK now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said...No, one drag is enough.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said...Why should I... you never put out for me.
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude...but I didn't see the mouse trap.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem...I don't know who to thank!
I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with her they had to ask for directions.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint Bernard!
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark...
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now.
I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said...surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms
My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.
My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits.
My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My only thrill is self inflicted... hickies.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... All right...you're ugly too!
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog's bed... Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her...The best woman a man ever had.... The waiter joined me.
Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.
One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early.
One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
They say...Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and said.. Look...twins!
When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a picture of me.
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